Extreme Interrogation
Prez Dub has explained that everything we do is within the law, by definition. It’s not torture. It’s cruel, inhumane and degrading, true. War is a degrading place. But America is about values. And torture. Anyway, the White House counsel advised Dub that in a new kind of war, Geneva Convention limits on prisoner abuse are “quaint.” Anyway, it works. The use of dogs in interrogation works: people will talk to a dog.
Guantanamo is just the Cuban name for that base. It’s long for the proper name, Gitmo. And we’re doing just that. There’s a lot of support for our camp there—not among the indigenous Guantanamese people so much, maybe, but they’re brainwashed. And not by us!
Bush would like to close Guantanamo. Which he’ll do by rejecting all the calls for closing it until it turns out to be his idea.
You can’t have the Red Cross looking at CIA jails. You’re either with the CIA or the CIA knows your library card number.
The guy who provided the info that wasn’t, you know, info, on links between Saddam and Al Qaeda, was a Qaeda dude in custody, Ibn al Shaikh a-Libi. He probably gave that info under extreme interrogation, resulting in us getting into this war, so you see: torture works! Although the info wasn’t exactly info, it was certainly actionable disinfo. It’s true that it’s not true that al Qaeda is there. Fortunately, we got there before them, so they didn’t come. They’re hiding out in, well, whatever we’re invading next.
The suicides in Guantanamo are clearly acts of war. They’re killing themselves, and that’s our job. They’re pulling all that fancy psychology lingo on us and saying sometimes a suicide is just a suicide. Trying to cover their acts of war with big words. Just like the suicides of South Korean farmers—acts of terrorism against freedom. Or anyway free trade. The suicides are a public relations stunt. They’re stunt men. It’s a circus. It’s a show biz. And by the way, non-union. Undercutting our good union stuntmen. We call on AFTRA to condemn this scab stunting. Just because they’ve been there five years with no trial they think all my trials Lord soon be over?
Basically we have a choice. We could stop torturing, humiliating, abusing their religion, and so forth. Or we could just stop people from talking about it. This is not rocket surgery, folks.
This Washington Post report about secret prisons, that is a scandal. That’s a very dangerous road. We’ve got to do something about the Post. And about secret prisons—first of all we’re using the ones that were already there, so we’re recycling. Anyway, you have to respect local tradition. Imported tradition. We’ve got get to the bottom of this, so we can get on top of it, get out in front of it, and get it behind us.
Empire
The American empire started informally in 1898, and was formally declared in 2002. PR is very important in democratic societies because it’s wrong to control the people by force, unless they’re black or something. So you have to control them through their minds, so they’ll do what you want with only PR guns pointed at them.
We don’t overlook massacres by our allies.
We oversee them.
Back during the Cold War, when we were trying to get people on our side against an adversary, we were willing to overlook deficiencies in the systems of the Our-Siders. Genocide, massacres, fascism—as long as it was authoritarian fascism and not totalitarian. We don’t do that anymore. So governments in Saudi Arabia, Egypt, Uzbekistan, etc., they still have shortcomings, but we don’t overlook them. We oversee them.
The United States has had a “quiet indifference” to repressive regimes in the past, including Egypt, Pakistan, Turkey, Colombia, Saddam Hussein, and maybe a couple others—well, a couple hundred others—you know, if you define quiet indifference as sponsorship and the past as the present. But we had to do this to win the Cold War, to prevent the Soviets from taking over. If they had, they might have killed 100,000 Guatemalans, and that was our job.
It’s actually not so much an empire we have as “benevolent global hegemony.” I prefer to think of us as a benevolent dominatrix. We help out. Some nations are non-aligned, but we can straighten them out.
And even if it is an empire, it’s the world’s first ever non-imperialist empire. It’s not imperialism when we re-draw the map of the Middle East and effect regime change. Imperialism was Britain. This is the United States and Britain. We recognize now that the Monroe Doctrine is wrong. Our sphere of influence is not the Americas, it’s the world. And it’s administered by—well, The CIA’s budget is secret. I could tell you that it’s $44 billion. But I won’t. Then I’d have to extraordinarily rend you.
We don’t really need a foreign policy—there’s only the one country now. And just the one flag. Hey, these colors don’t run. Well, they run the world, of course.
People say we’re isolated in the UN. It’s not true that we’ve only got Israel there. We’re in a strong alliance with every kind of Marshall Island, and also the entire Palau.
We don’t have any hostile intent toward anyone who wants to be our friend. As long as they’re weaker than us. If they try to be as strong as us, that’s hostile.
Arnold
The Austro-Hungarian empire is back. We’re not going to have a girly-man state anymore—Hasta la vista, baby! He’ll be a hands on governor. I mean, on his Hummer. The Hummer—now, as tanks go, it’s rather small and pitiful. But it’ll suffice for city driving.
Arnold is not going to govern. Karl Rove is. His grandfather was much higher up in the organization than Arnold’s dad. Arnold’s dad was an officer, but Karl’s grandpa was state party chairman. And we’re not talking about the Republican Party here. Well, the republican party of its day, maybe, in Europe.
“Ninety-five percent of the people in the world need to be told what to do and how to behave.”
The business of America is none of your business.
He’s going to pump up Sacramento. And sculpt the schools. Put power juice in the energy system. He hasn’t got all his policies in place, he’s still kind of groping for some of them. He’s a good man. Handles himself well. And others. He’s met thousands, and only handled six, that we know of.
Look at his ballot measures: harder for teachers to get tenure, hold down the number of nurses in hospitals, require unions to hold votes before using dues for political purposes. It’s a lucky thing we have corporations and wealthy people, because democracy is not cheap. Today, elected office is more expensive than ever. Corporations outspend unions 12:1 or maybe 24:1, so it stands to reason we must make the unions get permission to spend money in politics. Unions are always meddling in politics—e.g., they spent money to defeat these bills. Anyway, the business of America is none of their business.
Social Security
I’m not saying all seniors are terrorists. But they’re being manipulated by their leaders. It’s just like Big Labor, only it’s Big Old.
Dubya now states that the intelligence is faulty: there were no weapons of mass destruction. That’s not true. We know they’re there. We still have the receipts. Always thought he was kind of a leftie. Girlie man conservative. Not gay, but a little light in the Humvee.
2006
We’re gonna fix these fix these high gas prices, not to worry. We could go after price gouging, or we could open up the Arctic wildlife park. No-brainer.
Children of NAFTA
12 million illegals want amnesty, just because we destroyed their economies. Their economies can’t compete over there, so they come over here and compete. That’s unfair competition. If they’re not careful, we’ll give back the other half of Mexico, and see if their McDonalds can compete with ours.
This is a nation of immigrants. Right. But you see, the Italians and Irish learned English. The rest of the world is learning English. If we have more than one language here, that’s like saying we’re like just another country. We know that’s not the case, because God blessed America first, and then ran out of time. South America is not blessed. We felt sorry for them, so we lent them our name. At the prime rate, of course.
Tony Snow from Fox is the new press sec. If you’re wondering why we would put in a press sec named Snow, well, it wasn’t my idea. To put across the White House line he’ll have to drop the fair and balancing act. Did I say act? Well, all the world’s a stage.
Nicaragua
Now, we’ve explained to the Nicaraguan people that they are not to vote for their former dictator again; this is not El Salvador, after all. If they want a former dictator, we can provide one off the shelf.
Sudan
In Sudan, Christian blacks are fighting against Moslem Arabs. You know, I’ve always liked black folks.
We’re pushing for democracy, the respect of elected leaders—offer not valid in Palestine or Venezuela.
The US, Saudi, and Pakistan, that’s the Axis of Us. We’re going to find Osama by not looking for him. That’s when he least expects it.
Iran
We’re now using free money—Saudi, for instance—to work against extremists in Iran. I guess you might call it a sort of a contra Iran strategy.
I don’t see why Iran feels like they have to have nuclear weapons, just because they have them in Russia, Pakistan, India, Israel and the US.
The offer is open to sit down and negotiate with Iran, as soon as they capitulate.
If the UN won’t do our job—its job—we’ll just send some peaceful battleships over to Iran. And if they pretend to feel provoked and attack us, we’ll have to self-defensatively preact.
You’re either with the decider or you’re a suicider. The Islamo-fascism-doers are the real reason we went into Iraq. We didn’t say it then because we couldn’t pronounce it.
The invisible hand does extraordinary renditions of reporters’ questions.
We told Iran that they could have nuclear energy. But that’s when they had a Shah. When he left, he took the permission slip with him. People are already criticizing our war over there and it hasn’t even started. Give a war a fair shake. It’ll be better than Iraq—that was practice. We’ve got it now. Or will have.
In Iran they ban reporters from questioning the system. If a reporter questions the system here at home, we just don’t hear about it. Because we don’t have a system here. We just have the invisible hand of the market. The invisible hand does extraordinary renditions of reporters’ questions.
OK, so it turns out to be not quite true that Iran is developing nuclear weapons. But is has become true that they are helping to not help us in Iraq. Therefore since we are good, they are bad—Axis-ly bad.
Syria of course is in the Axis of Evil, and one of our most intractable enemies, except for the things we have in common, like torture. The Syrians are being notably unhelpful, and we will not tolerate an axis of unhelpfulness.