The Singing CIA Agent's Secret Page
He presents the Right point of view, he's the world's only KNOWN singing C.I.A. agent. He's the official toastmaster and anti-folksinger of the Committee to Intervene Anywhere: he's Mr. George Shrub.Herein, for your eyes only, some de-classified remarks from the Man himself. We are informed this information will be shredded and replaced monthly, so bookmark it!
CLASSIFIED -- EYES ONLY
I know it's been hard on you all during the Enemies Gap, what with me not knowing who to tell you to hate. Normally, I can get you used to hating the new Enemy Designate in about six months - eight or ten if you don't have TV. But times are hard, and we've been forced to recycle some old enemies - Saddam, for example.
Meanwhile, we've still got the old domestic standby, Political Correctness. I don't know if you ever noticed that PC is just CP spelled backwards. We've been learning about recycling, you see. We're not wasting any taxpayer letters here.
PC starts in the university, which they try to turn into a DI-versity. They try to make you conform, which is fine, but they want you to conform to nonconformism, which doesn't make any sense to me.
Then it trickles down into the lower grades. I know about this, because I do a little pro bono work at my presentations. I have them bring the children backstage and I share my point of view with them, so they won't need their own. Well, one evening last week I was talking to this little girl - no, can't say that - differently heighted pre-woman, about these problems, and in came this representative from the deconstructionist mafia, made me an offer I couldn't understand, so we fled out the back way, tripped over this homeless - sorry, residentially challenged fellow and - you see? It's getting so you can't say anything anymore without being challenged, which is all right for you, but I've got a job to do!
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Remarks on Our Gulf
1992
First of all, Saddam Hussein has a million-man army. Technically, it's only 500,000, counting the 11-year-olds, but you know, the Sandinites had a million-man army too for a couple of weeks, until I remembered there were only 3 million people in the country. But anyway, I enjoy filling you in on these things because you tend to believe them. Some of them. Some of you.
CLASSIFIED -- EYES ONLY
Now Iraq has long since positioned itself on top of the Ramalia oil fields - that is to say, they are in Iraq. Except for two little fingers of it that stick out into Kuwait, just across the line that is there, that is, the line in the sand. Now a certain corporation has been taking some oil out of those two fingers, a corporation known in business circles as Kuwait. And Saddam doesn't understand that this is how pirate enterprise works.
Why was it so important to put the Sabah family back into the palace in Kuwait City? It was a question of jobs. And dollars. The Emir and his relations do have just a few hundred billion dollars in our Western banks, and they've been sort of keeping us afloat in that sense, and I think we were obliged to return the favor.
Now the new Hitler was on his way to take Saudi Arabia. He didn't know that at the time, but I did. Following which, you did. Later it turned out he wasn't, but it was a bit too much later.
Above and beyond all these other reasons for us to be there, the most important is to destroy Iraq's military-industrial complex, because we are opposed to military-industrial complex proliferation. There is a document called "Iraqi Power and U.S. Security in the Middle East" which says basically that Iraq has become, through its very notable ability to learn from experience, the foremost mechanized warfare machine in the world today. Now that disturbs the balance of power, especially ours. We need to take them down a peg so somebody else can get a chance to be the best, so we can take them down a peg.