ELECTIONS, 1992
You know, all over the world, people want what we’ve got here in America. Which kind of makes sense, I guess. It’s theirs, after all.
President Bush is a good man, a kind man—well, he’s kind of a good man. Well, a good man of his kind. He’s the education president: he’s a big supporter of the electoral college.
We have a kinder and gentler empire now, or KG for short. But there’s two kinds, you see: KGA and KGB. So, we’ll see.
As for the Veep, I know a little bit about Dan Quayle—that’s pretty much what there is to know, I suppose, but anyway, Dan briefed me on this controversy—he has a brief knowledge of this—he explained to me that Roe v Wade is really just two different ways to get across the river.
The Democrats as yet have no platform. They’re still shopping.
Ross Perot won’t allow adulterers in his cabinet. Clinton says he’s gonna get the best people, regardless of whether they’ve slept with him or not. You’ve got to admit, he does have sax appeal.
I agree that Ross should make some commitments. Nobody said anything about fulfilling them. I don’t think he’ll win, but it’s a great opportunity to show how the democratic process works. He’ll spend $100 million, or more, and somebody who spends only $50 million will win. So that’s a vindication, you see, of 8 figures over 9.
Hearing Voices
The middle class has a voice, but not the lower class, so we’ve been moving some folks over. Which way, I won’t say. We have a very diverse society: various ethnic groups, constituencies ‑ even people of different income levels! There isn’t any one answer to our problems, so it’s clear that what we need is a charismatic leader. Someone who can identify the different socioeconomic groups and their needs, and pick one for a scapegoat.
Unfortunately, we had to destroy the Bill of Rights in order to save it.
There’s a proposal to register voters at the DMV ‑ the motor voter thing. And also register to vote when you sign up for welfare. But as the President has explained, that’ll lead to fraud. Everybody knows about welfare cheats.
I want you to buy American. Maybe you can’t buy an American VCR, all right, so don’t buy so many VCR’s. Buy more MX missiles.
Look, unemployment’s not so bad. It makes it easier for you to get replacement workers. I mean you in the sense of an employer. It’s true that people will lose their jobs at McDonnell‑Douglas, but there’s always McDonalds. The rich and the poor have equal rights to remain rich and poor. Yes, we cut $59 billion in aid for poor. If you give them that, they’re not poor. You’re trying to get us to wipe out the poor.
A lot of people feel the Japanese are taking jobs away from people here ‑ they know they feel this because they read the polls. Blacks did a lot of that, the job‑taking thing, especially before, oh, 1865, but now of course they only take people’s welfare away. Some say all this job‑taking is part of how things are arranged, but consider the alternative. 8 out of 10 spin doctors agree: when people are guaranteed jobs, they won’t work.
And very few people are colorblind. People are concerned about the yellow peril, the red menace, black plague, brown lung. Not white lightning so much anymore. People naturally fear that which is different. They’re naturally attracted to it too, but hopefully it doesn’t get out of hand. Any two people of different races walking down the street in a poor environment will naturally be suspicious of each other, protect themselves from each other, assertively, aggressively, that is, especially if they’re teenage males without jobs. People are just like that.
Women
Some of you women keep telling some of us men that women are 53% of the population. And we hear you, sisters, we hear you. We don’t know what you’re talking about, but we do hear you.
I didn’t come here to slight the women—I will do that, of course—but you know they have a lady president over in Ireland now. It’s largely ceremonial of course. The real power lies elsewhere than the presidency. Well, kinda like here, I suppose.
Now I know a bit about this women thing because, well, the other day I was talking with this little girl— sorry, differently-heighted pre-woman—when all of a sudden this thug from the deconstructionist mafia rushed in and made me an offer I couldn’t understand. Well, I grabbed up the gal/woman and started running, but I tripped over this homeless, ah, residentially challenged fellow that was relaxing horizontally there..
But oh, the subsidies! WIC costs more in a year than the Pentagon can spend in four or even five hours. And the AIDS funding they want would cost as much as three, four, even five B1 bombers.
You know, a group of gays and thespians were coming to the capital to put a condom on the Washington Monument—that’s supposed to stop pentagonorrhea, which they say you get from, as I understand it, fucking too many countries.
Rodney King
I disagree with the Vice President. Murphy Brown didn’t cause the riots. It’s got the Simpsons written all over it. But once again, they’re burning down their own prisons—ah, neighborhoods. Not their own in the sense of them owning them, or anything in them, of course. But still, these people who say they’re rioting because there’s inequality: Get a life. Do folksingers riot because they don’t have everything Madonna has? Do brunettes riot? No. They get out there and make something of themselves: blondes!
These people are going around looting, taking things that aren’t theirs. Who do they think they are, Charles Keating? Look what they do to their own community ‑ they should leave that to us.
Government alone can’t solve these problems. We’re too busy creating them.
And the people rioting ‑ blacks, Hispanics, whites, all jumbled up ‑they don’t even know how to have a proper race riot. So we’ve got to put more money into our schools. Well, our private schools. I mean, you have a choice. You can go to a public school, or you can go to a good school.
People say this shows we’re still a racist society. But Rodney King was not just black. He was big. Black people should know their size. And their place ‑ on the ground. And their speed ‑ if he would’ve driven slower, they would’ve hit him slower. What do you expect? The police were afraid, ever since they outlawed the choke hold because it turned out blacks are more susceptible to it, because they have a tendency to have it used on them more often.
But really, Black people pulling whites out of their cars and beating them—is that America? No. Whites pulling blacks out of their cars, that’s America.
Anyway, you have to remember the police motto: to serve and protect. And they did protect the community. They protected Beverly Hills from South Central.
I agree that there is racism, and I think we have to show progress, provide better role models, have a black vice president: put Colin Powell on the ticket. President Bush has expressed his compassion, but some people have questioned his commitment: will he act, or willie horton.
Still, there has been a lot of progress. In the 60’s, King was assassinated, and in 1992, he was only beaten. We must have patience, like Rodney King—now there’s a model patient.
But seriously, of course they used force—it’s called the police force, not the please force! And in any case, the jury always knows best. Granted it was not quite a jury of their peers, there being no cops on it. Anyhow, the folks up there in Seamy Valley are well versed in justice; that’s where the Ronald Reagan Presidential Library is.
We’ve had two decades of affirmative action and it hasn’t worked. So obviously someone’s at fault. Now I hate to blame the victim, but sometimes you have to do things you don’t like.
The Chicago flood was completely unavoidable. I mean, unless you want to go around fixing your infrastructure. That would take planning, which is Socialism.
Red Canada
The Northwest Territory is being divided in two, creating a new Eskimo territory called Nunavut, which is an Inuit term meaning “Our Land.” In the spirit of the anniversary of the Rescue of the Red Hemisphere, we’re going to make a similar deal and give our Indians none of it, an American term meaning “Our Land.” But despite the late unpleasantness, we’ve got the Indians on our side now. That’s how we got Apache and Kiowa helicopters and Tomahawk missiles. And now Japan has a car called the Mazda Navajo. They come in here, they take our Indians, I tell you.
Red Cuba
In Cuba you get to be leader by being the President’s brother. So wrong. Supposed to be his son.
Lavender America
Clinton is a Rhodes scholar, so he’s building a bridge to the Congress. They’ve developed a good chemistry, but I understand he didn’t inhale. He’s a coalition builder. He doesn’t want any yes-men—sorry, yespersons around. He wants them to tell him the truth, even if it costs them their jobs.
Now there will be gays in the army: gay privates showing their privates, gay S&M corporals doing their corporal punishment, gay majors, gay drum majors… But I do sympathize with their predicament. It’s easier to be black, for example, than to be gay. Think about it: if you’re black, you don’t have to tell your mother.
To solve these problems, Jesse Helms has introduced a new constitutional amendment to change the name of our species to Heterosapiens.
Why are we so dead set on changing the regime in Cuba? What threat are they to the U.S.? None, not to the united ones, but to the state of Florida. They are out to dominate the good Cubo-Floridian citizenry. But Florida will resist, and defend their tradition of free—of elections. Cuba is jailing dissidents who happened to have had several chance encounters with some guy around the United States embassy who was just exercising his freedom to speech by saying hey, so what if there is money around here for destabilizing the Cuban government. Studies show that all Cubans would rather live in the U.S., because it’s permissive and secure. No coup.