You can’t put a price on life. But it’s pretty cheap.
Saddam is a dictator, unlike the Pak-man. He’s repressing his own people, unlike Indonesia. He’s clamped down on dissent, unlike Saudi Arabia. He’s running an outlaw regime in violation of UN security council resolutions, developing weapons of mass destruction, and threatening peace and stability in the region, unlike Israel. He’s building weapons of mass destruction, so we’re going to hit him with 400 missiles a day. He may place civilians directly in the path of our peacemakers. We don’t take that lightly—you can’t put a price on life. But it’s pretty cheap.
Polls show that 41% of Americans believe that weapons of mass destruction have been found already, and 31% believe they were used. 25% believe that people who do not believe they were used are about to use them themselves, and should be locked up.
We want to get Iraq to use their oil wealth for the benefit of their people. They can’t be spending all their money on the military—that’s our job.
The suggestion has been made that if all we want is oil, we could just bomb Texas. We’re not going to bomb Texas. Texas is practically part of our own country. No, we’re going to cut our dependence on foreign oil, by pushing for more drilling and exploration right here in Mexico. Anyway, our Iraq campaign isn’t about getting oil. It’s about keeping it from others. Others are the problem. They are in the way of peace. Real peace is not just the absence of war; real peace can only be achieved when there is just us. And there are still other people out there. Sitting on our piece.
The new tape dropped by bin Laden, on CIA Records and Tapes, confirms the Evil One’s close links with Saddam. Osama declared openly that if the U.S. attempts to rescue Iraq from its dictator, Arabs should defend him, even though he’s a socialist infidel. This proves they are working together and always have been, or at least always will be. As I have imputed, Iraq has trained al Qaeda in document forgery and bomb making. Our job, clearly. Furthermore, we have found the smoking gun that shows Saddam is hiding his weapons of mass anti-Westernism: he has two missiles that will go 17 miles farther than allowed. A clearer case for Shock and Awe I’ve never seen.
The North Koreaks, meanwhile, have nuclear weapons, so we’re going to disarm them, but nicely. They are threatening our friends and neighbors, the South Koreanese, who don’t understand the threat. So we will take time to explain it to them, as we have explained to Turkey and other countries the need for us to defend them against Iraq. These explanations will not come cheap, but we feel that the American people already have enough health care, and way too much education.
We don’t have troops all over the Meddle East. We have only one land-based aircraft carrier over there, that’s Israel. People accuse us of wanting to rule the world. Well, we do own it. Some of the countries we bought fair and square. Others, we’re just borrowing.
A little knowledge is a gangrenous thing.
Oil, as Dr. Kissinger pointed out, is too important to be left to the Arabs. Some would say that human life is too important to be left to the Americans. People actually say this! And I actually have their emails and library records. I’ve collected them for TIA, the Total Information Awareness project, which is run by John Poindexter (who understands that the only way to know where the terrorists are is to go out and fund them). We need total information because a little knowledge is a gangrenous thing, and I’m trying to protect you. And me. From you.
Those who do not understand their history will have the opportunity to repeat it.
So we will gather all the information and keep it safe. After all, those who do not understand their history will have the opportunity to repeat it. This is part of the Home Front of the War on Their Terrorists. It’s called Operation Undoing Freedom. Unfortunately, we had to destroy the Bill of Rights in order to save it. But these things happen in wartime. And you’ve really lost very few freedoms—just the first, fourth, fifth and sixth amendments, I think. You can count them on one hand.
Following the massacre at Haditha (November 05) the army is going to offer ethics courses so that soldiers can learn to distinguish when a massacre is unethical.
We’ve also been accused of using the Iraq Rescue as a weapon of mass distraction from the flailing economy at home, the unkindest tax cuts of all, the spread of social diseases like Enronitis, and other bumps on the road to the dismantling of Bad Government and the enmantling of Good Business. But it’s common practice when one’s popularity is flagging to put out more flags. And when the economy tanks, you have to get with your think tanks, think about tanks, and gas up for conquest.
These complainers are all out there carrying their children around on bicycles! If you leave your SUV in the garage, that means the terrorists have already won. So take it out, run over a bicycle, and pray. Because the Lord is a vengeful God; He’s high-octane. And anyway, who can really know who Jesus would bomb?
Saddam Hussein has a million-man army—OK, it’s only 500,000, counting the 11-year-olds, but you know, the Sandinites had a million-man army too for a couple of weeks, until I remembered there were only 3 million people in the country, but anyway, I enjoy filling you in on these things because you tend to believe them. Some of them. Some of you.
Iraq has long since positioned itself on top of the Rumaila oil fields—that is to say, they are in Iraq. Except for two little fingers of it that stick out into Kuwait, just across the line that is there—that is, the line in the sand. Now a certain corporation has been taking some oil out of those two fingers, a corporation called Kuwait. And Saddam doesn’t understand that this is how pirate enterprise works.
Now about the celebrated Glaspie incident: Just prior to the August 2 invasion of Kuwait by Saddam, our ambassador to Iraq, April Glaspie, did tell Saddam that this border dispute was an Arab-Arab matter that the U.S. had no interest in. And Undersecretary of Defense John Kelly said the same thing to Congress, and Margaret Tutweiler passed it to the press. Saddam misunderstood that signal: we have no interest in it, but there is still the principle. Someone had to mediate that dispute, someone objective, and we have an objective there, so it fell to us. Because we are a kinder, gentler world police.
All these so-called signals followed an international meeting at the White House in April 1990 at which it was decided to go for disarmament in the Meddle East, that is, to disarm the powers there, that is, the other powers, that is, not ours. We felt that it was superfluous for there to be more than one power in a New World Order.
Of course you can only have disarmament after a war, and we couldn’t very well start a war, that would be New World Disorderly, so we passed to the Iraqis the option of starting a war with us. You may recall a poll that was taken sometime before January 16, in which a plurality of the American people expressed the belief that if war did start with Iraq and if the U.S. started it, the government would doctor up a spin on the situation.
So the new Hitler was on his way to take Saudi Arabia. He didn’t know that at the time, but I did. And then, of course, you did. Later it turned out he wasn’t, but it was a bit too much later.
And so we succeeded in getting Saddam into Kuwait, and once he realized that he’d been took, or taken in there, he decided to dig himself an underground shelter and wait us out. Or wait us in.
And why is it so important to put the Sabah family back into the palace in Kuwait City? It’s a question of jobs. And dollars. The emir and his relations do have just a few hundred billion dollars in our Western banks, and they’ve been sort of keeping us afloat in that sense, and I think we ought to return the favor.
Above and beyond all these other reasons for us to be there, the most important is to destroy Iraq’s military-industrial complex, because we are opposed to military-industrial proliferation. This is all going to come out later, so you might as well pay attention now. There is a document called “Iraqi Power and U.S. Security in the Middle East” which says basically that Iraq has become, through its very notable ability to learn from experiences, the foremost mechanized warfare machine in the world today. Now that disturbs the balance of power, especially ours. We need to take them down a peg so somebody else can get a chance to be the best, so we can take them down a peg.
And the Congress knows all this, but they also know that you don’t know it, and therefore they’re just going to let George do it.
Contrary to my instructions, there have been demonstrations around the world in favor of Appeasement and Waiting. Many tens of people have been duped into attending these get-togethers, which consist of a bunch of people locating themselves in public while, we must note, not shopping. They need to stop speculating about civilian collateralization; now is the time to support our troops. Not later, when they invent exotic diseases and come to us whining and gold-digging. There may or may not be such a thing as Gulf War Syndrome, but there is still Vietnam Syndrome, and we are going to whip it. Whip it Good. There comes a time when you have to get behind your troops and your commander. I’ve said it before: You’re either with us, or you’re with the UN.
Some people have a military-industrial complex, and they can kiss my arsenal. Get over it: There’s been a great heartening of the armories, and the size of our missiles is nothing to be ashamed of. We are a proud nation. Some say we’re arrogant, hypocritical, self-absorbed, self-indulgent, and contemptuous of others. Now, who says that? Others.
Of course, I don’t hate others. But I find them superfluous. And inscrutable. When I scrut someone, I expect them to stay scrot. And that’s what’s going to happen to Old Europe if they don’t get New. The unilateral activities of the green and yellow-tinged Franco-German government are nearly as irrelevant as the UN. The French have a lot of Gaul, ganging up with Krauts to defend towel-heads. They’re a bunch of cheese-eating surrender-monkeys, consorting with the waffling Belgians.
We’re leading the world against terrorism. They’re not following, but we’re leading. We are called upon to defend the hope of all mankind. But we’d rather bomb Iraq. The course of this nation does not depend on the decisions of others. The very existence of others is a challenge to us to make their decisions for them. It’ll be a just war, and a faith-based war. Trust me.
We’re going to work with the really important nations, like Slovenia, Slovakia and Bulgaria, and other nations ending in –ia. They will help us find Osama in Iraq. Or if not in Iraq, perhaps in Afghanistan, Sudan, Iran, Pharmaceutistan, Syria, Iria, Illyria, or some other country ending in-a, -an, or –aq.
We have lots of support. Turkey supports us, except for its people. The entire nation of Berlusconi is behind us. And at home, people are buying duct tape in an excited orgy of instruction-following. They are finding out it has many uses besides stopping terrorism. You can fashion gray ribbons to wear in support of our troops. And you can use it on your neighbor’s mouths if they don’t watch what they say.
Let me close with a reiteration of the color-coded alert system we have provided to simplify your daily regimen of fear intake. The lowest level is green; it’s perfectly safe, you’re free to go shopping. Then comes blue, Guarded Condition. Go shopping, but take a guard. Then yellow, elevated alert—you’re strongly advised to go shopping online. Above this is orange, high risk. You should send a shadow shopper, provided by the Shadow Government. Finally, red alert, extreme risk. Your shopping decisions will be made for you by the Consumer Decision Division of the Department of Homeland Security, billed to your credit card, and delivered to your door when the level goes down to yellow.
In some cases the public will not be informed of changes in alert states. So, do nothing till you hear from me. Remember, if we don’t shop, we drop. Let the terrorists know: This is a non-stop nation of non-stop shoppers. These shoppers don’t run. These colors might, though. Just use this mnemonic: buy or die.
Money may be the root of all evil, but hey, a man needs his roots.
So get out there and be patriotic. Christmas is always just around the corner, especially after January. And that’s why they hate us. They hate us for Christmas, and more generally, for our freedom—our freedom to shop. They hate us for our malls, and that’s why they’re going to attack them. Or so I’ve told you. So be very afraid. But shop a lot, too. And don’t worry about America. The system is resilient; the economy will bounce back. Money may be the root of all evil, but hey, a man needs his roots. And until we can re-tool the military with hydrogen-powered Hummers that get two wars to the gallon, you’re going to have to pitch in. So think about what you can do to help. And while you’re thinking, you’ve just spent another million. Thank you.
It’s good to be afraid. If you’re not afraid, you’re not paying attention. To me. I need for you to be afraid so that you’ll support strong leaders, ok? Democrats aren’t strong. Well, Lieberman is. The rest are gay. Or French.