Principles of Protest
Here’s the principle: If protests are outrageous, that’s good for Bush. If not, the press won’t cover them, so they’re no good to anybody. The police keep order, the press keeps quiet, the system works. But there have been problems. A man was arrested in a business suit, going home from work. That should never happen. Obviously he should have stayed at work. Koppel explained the lack of coverage: it’s not 1968. By the way, 1968 only happened because it was covered.
People were arrested for intending to have a die-in. You don’t like preemptive arrests? Do you expect us to wait until they’re dead to arrest them?
Such a Trill
As you’ve noticed, we’re raising the debt limit by $800 billion to allow 8.1 trillion in borrowing. It’s legal. You’re allowed to do that, as long as it’s after an election. Of course, 8 trill here, 8 trill there, pretty soon you’re talking about real money. Anyway, if the Dem’s were in power, boy, then you’d see some real fiscal irresponsibility.
Socialism for Seniors
Social security is going to run a deficit in 40 years. We’re running one now, but the present now will later be past, and we need to privatize the future before it gets here. It’ll work. It worked in Chile, where people’s retirement has been secured, after 20% commissions and the government guaranteeing to make up any shortfall from the money gambled. Invested. Which of course is socialism. In America, we don’t do guarantees. We do casinos.
I always said we should privatize war. Military is now called “security.” When it’s not coming from your tax dollars, we won’t need taxes anymore. Or government. Just the military. I mean, security. Whoever wants to invest in war, can. The rest prefer to talk about peace, and we know what they want. They want a piece of our piece.
But people are now suing the security companies that are patriotically taking on our privatized wars. Suing because their relatives died for lack of armor. Fortunately, W has put a cap on awards from frivolous lawsuits. Granted, that was about doctors. But saving life, taking life, it’s all life. If the awards were too high, the security companies would go somewhere where they could do their business. Go work for some other rogue state.
We do have to protect doctors from lawsuits. We have some doctors working in the public sector side of the war—army doctors—and they’re not involved in torture of course, but they’re giving advice about torture. Without them, we’d have to torture without any medical advice.
Indians are Communists
Guatemala is made up of two basic groups: Indians and Generals. There’s a third group, the Communists. They were masquerading as peasants. So there are no more Communists.
I don’t like to use the word diversity, but we have collected people from all the different countries that we, well, that we have. That’s why we’ve been hybridizing, not to say cloning, all these different cultures, and we are going to patent, actually, all these different cultures that we, well, that we have. We have family values here, we invented the family, and we value that. We know that they have families in other places, but they’re experimental. Sort of a beta version of the family. And as you know, gay marriage threatens that patented family.
In Rwanda they had a genocide; I’m not afraid to use the word. I am afraid to have done anything about it, so I didn’t.
Jefferson warned against the Haitian revolution. He said it might seem all right to kick out the French, but that would give ideas to the slaves in the U.S., and there weren’t any French left here, nobody to kick out but, well, him.
I don’t mean to demean the women by calling them ladies. I mean no disrespect—it just comes naturally, I guess.
Nature is the greatest threat to the economy. The ecology actually grows right into the economy. Or vice versa, I forget. Obviously, you can’t have both.
We’ve replaced the tyranny of pensions with the fun of the senior scavenger hunt lifestyle.
We helped form a coalition to fight the Soviets in Afghanistan. This coalition stretches from Pakistan to the Philippines, and still exists, and is still fighting, only now they’re fighting us.
Labor Rites (Last?)
We’ve created almost as many jobs as we’ve eliminated. Lots of jobs for Mexicans, right here in the US. They were coming over, taking our Mexicans jobs. We’ve replaced boring factory jobs with the excitement of Hamburger Engineering. Replaced the tyranny of pensions with the fun of the senior scavenger hunt lifestyle.
GM had to cut health care for their employees because foreign countries are underselling them, due to their unfair advantage of having national health care. Japan, Germany: Communist. As opposed to free enterprise, which is freedom.
This Week’s Enemies
Afghanistan was the Soviet Union’s Vietnam. And Iraq is apparently our Afghanistan. But there’s a big difference: they were the evil empire. We’re the world’s first non-imperialist empire. Also, ours is permanent. But getting back to Afghanistan, which we have: we strongly supported forces fighting against fundamentalism, like Saddam Hussein, and also worked very closely with elements fighting Soviet totalitarianism, like Osama Bin Laden.
Today our current friends in Saudi are helping to defend that country against future threats from, you know, women.
They’ve opened a new pipeline in the Caspian area—Azerbaijan, Georgia, Turkey. You know what that means. That means they’ve banned opposition parties.
The White House removed the climate-related language, as practice for removing the climate.
The Cold war was ended through global warming—that is, SUVs. In a recent EPA report, the White House removed the climate-related language, as practice for removing the climate. We’ll burn that bridge right before we come to it. The US is the world leader in research on climate change. We haven’t been able to properly discredit it, but we keep at it.
People think we should plan ahead on decisions that affect the planet—plan for how it will affect the people seven shareholder meetings from now.
Bush has begun meeting prominent dissidents to highlight human rights abuses. Dissidents from Venezuela, North Korea, Russia, Belarus. Why no such meetings with dissidents from Uzbek, Pakistan, Egypt, Saudi? See, Russia’s our enemy this week, but we need them for our friend next week, in case China dumps their textiles on our market, making them part of the axis of textile-dumping nations. So the abuses that don’t exist in those other countries are being saved for next week.
Of course I study the trends in human rights carefully. I watch them 24/7, or anyway, I watch 24. Yeah, I think outside the box, but I watch the box. I think of myself as a maverick, an outsider—Geneva, feh, that’s so conventional.
Who needs people when you have money?
Bolivia
The Indians are revolting. Formerly known as Bechtelia—They don’t just want to nationalize the oil, they want to nationalize the government!
Malls Over Walls
Noted: a new Supreme Court decision that cities can tear down any dwelling to make way for something that makes more money. The Malls over walls decision. Really, who needs people when you have money?
Iraq
W held a scripted impromptu chat with soldiers. Some are saying the soldiers didn’t say what they felt. Of course they did. We told them what they felt and they said it. Scripting an impromptu chat with soldiers is not a war crime. This is not rocket surgery, people.
I just figured out today where those WMDs are. It’s been staring me in the face the whole time. They are hidden in the Gulf of Tonkin.
You’re either with us or you’re with the Red Cross.
OK, so we kept a high-value prisoner without telling the Red Cross. Rummy has clarified that there’s no rule you have to tell them in 15 minutes. Granted, it might be a lot less than seven months. Probably between 15 minutes and seven months. That’s an unknown known. Friends, we can’t have the Red Cross looking at CIA jails. You’re either with us or you’re with the Red Cross.
Basically we have a choice. We could stop torturing and humiliating people, abusing their religion, and so forth. Or we just stop people from talking about it. This is not rocket surgery, folks.
Katrina
Anyone saying that we didn’t prepare for Katrina is harboring her.
The rules mandating 5% of contracts to minorities have been waived for the rebuilding, and presently it stands at 2%. This is because of W’s approval rating among blacks being down to 2%. Now about this, it’s down from 19%, since Katrina. And about that looting down there, you have to be understanding of the situation. Hey, let Halliburton be Halliburton. Those contracts are big and easy. And as for those violent gangs, it’s understandable. They were paid to do that in Iraq, now they’re home. Well, not the Israelis, they’re not home. Although, like Americans, they make themselves at home wherever they go.
We have a zero tolerance policy on looting. If you’re hungry, taking food is not the way to go. This is a civilized country. You will wait until it’s time to wait some more.
Zaire used to be the Congo, but they turned out to be Communist,
so their President died.
Pakistan
The earthquake in Pakistan, terrible thing. We gave $50 million. We care millions. For their lives. For their arms? Billions.
Zaire
Zaire used to be the Congo, but they turned out to be Communist, so their President died.
Venezuela/Cuba
As you may or may not know, there either was or was not a military coup there.
Venezuela and Cuba are now involved in a mutual program called Oil for Doctors. It’s thoroughly corrupt. They say they’re just trading oil for doctors, but I happen to know there are dentists getting through a loophole, Venezuela is getting dentists at a cut rate—they’re being economical with the tooth. We can see that Venezuela is a Cuban pawn: they have Cuban-style health in the barrios. That’s Spanish for ghetto, which shows how anti-semitic they are. Not to mention medico-imperialist.
Meanwhile, Cuba is now a Venezuelan pawn, a colony of Venezuelan oil imperialism, just as dependent as they were on Soviet Union. In other words Venezuela is the new Soviet Union, the evil oil empire. They’ve tried to escape this criticism by saying they’re merely in the axis of pretty bad. We have satellite photos of Cuban-style health clinics. A surplus of doctors dumped on the market, working cheap, undercutting American doctors.
They’re giving free medical care to the children. That undercuts the prices for medical care throughout the hemisphere, so in essence they are scab doctors. These scabs are festering and will be picked off. Chavez is trying to distribute the oil wealth among the people. That’s class war. Venezuela used to have a free enterprise system. Chavez is destroying that: he wants foreign oil companies to pay money for the oil. It’s like bribery. He calls it taxes. “Pay” “taxes.”
Venezuela is threatening America with eye exams and cheap oil. Cuba is threatening us with free medical care and weapons of mass dentition.
These Nuevo-Coms think the state should control corporations instead of vice versa as God intended.
If the people of Venezuela cannot solve their own problems, and Colombia won’t rescue them, we might have to invade ourselves. That would certainly get to the root of the problem.
You should all boycott Verizon: they pulled their ads from Ann Coulter’s site, just because she called John Edwards a—you know, he’s married, but gays do marry these days, not usually women, but sometimes. But he’s, you know, opposed to cluster bombs. That’s pretty faggistic.
Chiquita and the Terrorists
I know you’re all gloating about Chiquita getting caught cozying up to right-wing terrorists in Colombia—and not just their own board of directors. But what would you do? Let’s say you’re running a banana industry, overthrowing governments and so forth. Granted, when Chiquita was United Fruit, they organized a massacre in Colombia, in 1927, with hundreds killed. They also overthrew the government of Guatemala in 1954. But to be fair, Chiquita had to pay paramilitaries, in the interest of protecting their workers from terrorists. You know, unions.
It’s true the indigenous (a word meaning poor) people don’t benefit from oil wealth. But they do get something from the gas. Well, the tear gas.
Escorts
As for D.C. Madam Debbie Palfrey’s escort list, Defense consultant Harlan Ullman, who coined the phrase shock and awe, was caught up in this—imagine his surprise and dismay. It’s not prostitution of course, its high-end erotic fantasy. Still, I am shocked and find it odd that sex would occur in, you know, Washington. Also implicated was the State Department’s Randy Tobias, a noted anti-prostitution crusader. Less well known is his fervent promotion of the international importance of massage.
Don Imus has again been victimized by the liberal press. He was just trying to give people who don’t have a life a chance to be mean.
Pray, Stay Away Gay
Our next Surgeon General, Dr. James Holsinger, a co-founder of Hope Springs Community Church, has already put forth some miracles, or anyway, cures: Pray away the gay. In a 1991 paper he disclosed that homosexuality is unnatural because pipe fittings are called male and female. Attacks on him are bigoted and anti-Christian. Christianity was invented in the US.
Other administration figures want to ban public licking of ice cream cones, and throw people in prison for masturbation—well, that should solve it.
Burma
Burma has to stop these violations of human rights. They must cease these violent acts in the prisons, the use of dogs and deprivations. We’re willing to be flexible. If they will stop them, then we will.
He oppresses his own people, he’s a brutal dictator, but no, we’re not having regime change in Burma. It’s been done. It’s not Burma anyhow, it’s called Myanmar now, which shows their commitment to change.
Chevron employs the Myanmar military to guard their oil pipeline. In order to influence them toward human rights. They have more plans for that, in the pipeline. Condi was on the board of Chevron, now she’s criticizing their guards. Don’t take it seriously. What’s she going to do, jump on the Condoleezza Rice and ride in there with a mission accomplished banner?
Turks Are Us
In the Rwanda genocide exhibit they made a mistake and referred to Turkish “genocide” of Armenians. They didn’t realize that Turkey is a US ally and therefore doesn’t do genocide Didn’t do it—before, when they were our adversary, they used to did do that. Now they didn’t. So that was corrected to “mass killings.”
The tragedy of the Armenians and the Turks was mutual, as Jimmy Carter said when rejecting reparations for Vietnam: The destruction was mutual. Now we can have a fair debate: Turkey should be able to stop our Congress from talking about the tragedization of the Armenians AND the Turks, vs. oh no they can’t.
Attorney General Gates explained that Turkey is sensitive about the late regrettableness. They have laws there against insulting Turkishness, and we will not rule out rendering unto Turkey that which we don’t want here anyway. Basically, you’re either with us or against Turkey.
You know, people are kvetching about Armenians to draw attention away from Burma, which we’re kvetching about to draw attention away from Blackwater. So the Armenian regretableness has been downclassed to tragic suffering, or at most, regreticide, and the Blackwater randomness to bad aim.
If you think there’s a problem with that, then we’ve got to do something about that thinking problem you’ve got.