I know it’s been hard on you all during the Enemies Gap, what with me not knowing who to tell you to hate. Normally, I can get you used to hating the new Enemy Designate in about six months—eight or ten if you don’t have cable. But times are hard, and we’ve been forced to recycle some old enemies—Saddam, for example.
About the homeless: why dwell on people who don’t even dwell?
Meanwhile, we’ve still got the old domestic standby, PC, which trickles down from the higher education levels—and I do know what they’re high on— into the lower grades. I know about this, because I do a little pro bono work at my presentations. I have them bring the children backstage, and I share my point of view with them, so they won’t need their own. Well, one evening last week I was talking to this little girl—no, can’t say that, differently-heighted pre-woman—about these problems, and in came this representative from the deconstructionist mafia, made me an offer I couldn’t understand. So we fled out the back way, tripped over this homeless—sorry, residentially challenged fellow and—you see? It’s getting so you can’t say anything anymore without being challenged, which is all right for you, but I’ve got a job to do!
And about the homeless: why dwell on people who don’t even dwell?
We’ve got people with lots of experience in civil rights.
Mostly against it.
How could a patriotic American call America the greatest purveyor of violence in the world? OK, that was MLK, but then he was more of a civil rights advocate than an American. Unless they changed the rule while I was dissembling. But in his honor, we have been putting people into the Civil Rights Division of the Justice Department, people with lots of experience in civil rights. Mostly against it. But that’s diversity! We’re determined to prosecute the discrimination against threatened groups like white Christians.
Climate v. Freedom
Climate change is real. And not just a problem only for our planet, which is ours, but for our very nation. The climate never ceases to invent ways to attack our freedom. Rest assured, neither do we.
Global warming is a serious, long-term problem, we’ll see to that.
To stop global warming you have to go off oil. But without oil, how do you have oil wars? If you can find me a way to stop global warming without having to stop global warring, I’m there. I’m on it. White on rice. Global warming is a serious, long-term problem, we’ll see to that.
In the plus column, the Northwest Passage has melted. You can get from Europe to Asia and get those spices. All we need is to find oil there, then we won’t need Suez.
IRAN? IRAQ?
We got it! The oil! Sorry, I mean, we’re helping Iraq re-build its oil industry. We got the contracts because we’d been advising the ministry for free for two years. Iraq helps those who help them. Selves.
W really impressed his father: Look, I took Baghdad, Dad!
The people of Iraq want democracy, and we’re bringin’ it on. Therefore, the people want us there. And those fighting us are fighting Iraqis. When they stop attacking us, we’ll leave. Actually, they’re attacking us and the government, so we are the government, so we can’t leave.
We have an enduring relationship with Iraq. A close familial relationship like a father has with his daughter locked in the basement.
People say we’ve achieved chaos there, but we have an Exit Strategy: Iran. We fixed their wagon in ‘53, but it broke in ‘79. I’m not saying Iran causes global warming, I’m just saying they support Osama—no, he’s a Sunni—they support Obama, that’s it. And Chavez. The Irano-fascite bomb-makers want to drive Israel into the sea in a hybrid.
But there are no plans to attack Iran, and the plans are justified. There is a rumor that Israel might do it, and I have warned them in the strongest terms that that’s ok.
Zarqawi was the link between Osama and Saddam. Well, they didn’t know that, since he didn’t get along with one and was out to destroy the other.
The Democratic Congress has voted no on a blank check to continue the war. They actually filled in the $100 billion. This $100 billion attack on the troops is an act of political theater, an attempt to undermine our war theater. They’re trying to substitute their judgment for that of the commanders on the ground, which is to say the President’s, or more precisely, Cheney’s.
There are so many restrictions on us in this bill it would take an army of lawyers. And we need all the lawyers in the army. Clearly many of these Dems went to the terrorist madrassa in Berkeley. In response, we’ve decided to stop funding the war. From now on, only funds for troops. The Dems of course refuse to fund troops. They hate the troops.
We influence other countries with our military might
—what our military might do to them.
We’re building a wall in Baghdad. Well, not a wall, a barrier. Not to separate people, but to protect them from each other. It worked so well in Palestine. Not that Israel is occupying Palestine. They’re liberating them. Not that there’s anyone there.
We don’t always have to go to war to get what we want. We influence other countries with our military might—what our military might do to them.
In our think tanks, we think a lot about tanks.
Our office of think tank drumbeats, an independent branch of government headed by Dick Cheney, has set the doomsday clock for Irano-fascism at—well, that’s for me to know. Not to worry, the mad mullahs are no match for our wild and crazy but measured and pragmatic think tanks, where we think a lot about tanks.
There’s been a lot of talk about peace. Peace is a problem. Not as bad as talk, though. As for your “anti-” “war” demonstrations: we’re over there fighting for your freedom of speech, so shut up.
We’re over there fighting for your freedom of speech, so shut up.
Sharia law, as it turns out, does not hold companies responsible for the actions of their employees. That could be a medium-sized reason that Blackwater, a noted social service organization, is asking a federal court to apply sharia law to decide a suit against them by three widows of soldiers who died on one of their planes in Afghanistan.
Some would compare the non-treaty—in which we would politely encourage Iraq to sign over their country to us—to Britain’s actual treaty in 1930: bases, impunity, the works. Some have said this would make us sort of permanent custodians of Iraq. Those who say this are in custody.
Health Care
$26 billion is being cut from Medicare. Look, seniors should have the freedom to choose between Medicare and prescription drugs.
Why would we need a health care system? We have a health care industry. Systems are socialist.
War on Terra
On 9-11 they used $3 tools to take us down, so we had to spend $3 trill to fight them. We spent the Russkies into submission and now they’re doing it to us, which is a copyright violation. But we spend more than all others combined, because what if the whole world turns against us? More. All the way. At once. All week.
We gave enriched uranium to the Saudis, but need to bomb Iran for making it. Why? It’s a war on DIY. Home Depot, you’re next on the list of…terrorist stores.
To keep labor costs down, you have to keep labor down.
Labor rates (or doesn’t): China
Labor costs are rising in China, so companies are moving a lot of jobs to Vietnam. That’s not right. They owe us—let’s see, three MIAs. Those MIA flags? Made in China. Where’s the loyalty? China is our BFF, for now. We should stick with them, or stick it to them, whatever it is. Help them combat inflation, by keeping labor costs down. To keep labor costs down, you have to keep labor down. And we’re there to help. (The Walmart security team, by the way, a subsidiary of Blackwater called Walwater, has opened its own chain of stores called Blackmart. They sell, you know, waterboards.)
But the other problem with China is that they’re now legislating worker benefits, almost like they were Communists.
Britain is not what it was. We are.
So we’re moving jobs to the Philippines, and India—we haven’t been there since we were British. You know, Britain is not what it was. We are. And from Vietnam we’re expanding into Cambodia—riot about that, kids.
We get a lot of flak for investing in dictatorships, but they’re stable. It’s risky to invest in a democracy, where there could be a coup, resulting in a dictatorship. I never thought I’d say this, but communism is ideal, because the workers can’t strike—that would be striking yourself. They do, though. They want Communism Plus.
2011
Obama and other Immigrants
Obama is an immigrant, so he hates Arizona, because it’s in the US. So he’s trying to fill it up with Mexicans, from New Mexico and other foreign—you know, New Mexicans are just thinly-disguised Old Mexicans.
We can’t solve all these problems.
We have our hands full creating them.
So now you can be stopped for walking while Hispanic. Which is a problem: Sotomayor was down there visiting and she got stopped and asked for her papers. She didn’t have anything on her except the constitution.
The cops are against it too: too much work. Gonna have to get harder-working cops. Maybe immigrants. They always take the dirty jobs no one else wants.
Honduras
It’s not a coup. OK, it’s a coup, but not a military coup. OK, it’s a military coup, but with pajamas. And in defense of the constitution, which was written democratically by consensus among the dictators. But as Obama said, after all your whining about the US intervening in Latin America, now you want us to intervene in Honduras by not funding the not-coup? You can’t have it both ways.
OK, I lie. But Zelaya has to stop doing reckless things, like entering Honduras. We want a reckful solution. One more reckless act from him and we will convene a commission. It’s so irresponsible of him to return just because he’s President. What if we all did that? By we of course I mean Aristide.
Hillary pointed out that we should no longer be in the position of solving these problems. We have our hands full creating them.
Guatemala
Now in Guatemala, we are still looking for evidence that the somewhat conservative government there still supports death squads. And if we find any evidence that they do support the leader of their army, we’re going to commission a study, because 100,000 people have died down there—mostly victims of the terrorists and the crossfire, with some 246 possibly killed by the death squads also—and if the toll tops 150,000, then we are going to cut the aid—the civilian aid. Because there will be fewer civilians.
Civil Liberties
Sorry about the upcoming 800th anniversary of habeas corpus. So close. The new habeas law makes the Alien and Sedition Act look like the bill of rights. Well, at least it finally properly regulates torture. Torture should be regular.
Environment
Polar bears are denning on land, not ice. Trading land-denning credits for enviro-conscious den mother bears. Adapting, though not as advanced as their cousins in the polar diaspora. Pregnant bears dig dens—beatnik bears. Single mothers. Where’s the deadbeat dad bear?
Granted, greenhouse gases are compounded by hot air from the White House. Glaciers are melting, and we’ll meet that challenge, we’ll match their onslaught, we’ll also move at a glacial pace.