Spill Baby Spill

OK, OK, so the oily boid gets the law firm. Fine, you win, it’s officially a Bummer. And this is how BP repays us for overthrowing Iran for them in ’53? It’s un-American.

But imagine, if you will, a wind spill. Oy, if not horrors! If the turbines sank, and kept on turning because no one knew how to cap them, they would churn up tides to rival Katrina. This is what the terrorists want; this is why they planted people inside BP and/or Halliburton and/or Transocean to blow up the Deepwater Horizon.  To get us to turn to wind - they want us to steal God’s power, like the trees in Arizona are stealing the people’s water. They want to Katrinize our coastal metro areas, driving metrosexuals and other liberals inland where they’ll take land from actual Americans.

The root of the problem is that we’re dominated by powerful industry giants: Big Wind, Big Sun, Big Tide. We’ve got to take our country back. Yes, war for oil! But this time, domestic oil. Like cooking oil. By the way, the so-called disaster in the alleged gulf is technically called a “blowout,” which in lay terms means Big Sale. On cooking oil.

Arizona
Obama, as an immigrant, hates Arizona because it’s in the United States and full of English-speakers. So he’s been trying to fill it up with Mexicans. From New Mexico and other foreign places. You know, New Mexicans are just thinly-disguised Old Mexicans.

So now you can be stopped in Arizona for walking while Hispanic. Which is a problem, and actually Mrs. Justice Sotomayor was down there visiting and she got stopped and asked for her papers. Sadly for her, she didn’t have anything on her, except the constitution.

It turns out most of the cops are against the new “Papers Please” law – it’s too much work. So I think the state is going to find some harder-working cops. Maybe immigrants. They always take the dirty jobs no one else wants.

One word for you: beisbol. A game without a Mexican? Improbable. But there’s talk of a base-boycott. And then the team had the balls to come out as “Los Suns.”  What next, Spanglize the name of the state?

One caution: Arizona Iced Tea is not from there. It’s from Long Island. So don’t boycott it. Boycott Long Island Iced Tea.

Afghanistan certainly needs an overhaul.
It’s not true that Afghanistan is Pashtun for Vietnam. It is true that Pakistan is Urdu for Cambodia.

Many nations, not to say empires, have sent armies to Afghanistan and all have succeeded in failing. Obama, however, brings hope. And surgical strikes – that’s really health care for all. So we'll see. It’s clear he already has buyer’s remorse. Or at least sticker shock. He wanted to trade Afghanistan in for Pakistan as part of the cash for clunkers deal. Too slow. I have a bumper sticker on my car: I’m already for the next war. But this one’s been good to us – it's a jobs program, mostly. There's been a great heartening of the armories. And it's been good for the planners in our think tanks. Where we mostly think about tanks. Also, they say that our activities are the biggest recruiter for al Qaeda, so we’re kind of taking their job away from them, but if they go belly up, I’m sure we’ll bail them out.

Health care certainly needs an overhaul - and we're going to make sure it gets one: a partial, moderate, eventual overhaul, with many different payers. After all, we already have a single payer - you. About government's role in health care, I'm of two minds, which may be why I speak with a forked tongue. On the one hand, government-run health care would insure everybody at a low cost. On the other, the health insurance denial industry gave me $4 million. So, it’s too bad we had to destroy health care reform in order to save it, but so it goes. As long as I'm in charge.

There's a reason we don't go to "Medicare for All": we don’t want to re-invent one sixth of the economy. That would be like bailing out banks or something. Besides, we have traditions in this country. We have a tradition of employer-based indentured servitude to health care denial corporations. Throwing it out would be like throwing out fascism or female genital mutilation just because you’re dissatisfied. So no, we’re not going to nationalize health care, just nationalize citizens’ responsibility to buy health care from big health care denial companies. I want government out of my life – I don’t mean Social Security, the police, medicare, the military. I’m talking about government meddling. You know, “social services” for people who can’t even bother to be me.

The house of cards comes home to roost.
Now that the country is bankrupt, we’ve given it to the black guy. Remember Detroit? Good luck with that.

Regulation, Phil Gramm has recently explained, is now unnecessary. We have finally outgrown the Depression-era fad, clearing the decks to get on with history, that is to say, the next Depression. True, corporate executives (Commanders in Thief, some would say) have been giving themselves $39 billion in bonuses while losing $74 billion. But you can afford to bail them out, now that you’ve got no house payments.

Our leading Financial Citizens are working hard to rescue their economy while some near-Americans are whining about their 401Ks and other mental recessionary issues. But the bailout is misunderstood. Some say it’s socialism, but it’s not: it’s partial, temporary, side-door nationalizing, not socialism. Sort of a temporary national socialism kind of thing. Anyway, it’s proper redistribution of wealth – from those who lost it back up to them again. It’s not Obamistic class warfare-spread-the-wealth-around socialism, just normal temporary side-door un-distribution, spread-the-wealth-up-national-non-socialism.

Republicans do re-distribute: they gave $150,000 of clothing to a hockey mom, to be re-redistributed later. And both parties have redistributed jobs – spread the jobs all around the world, in fact.

Obama will fix it. Or at least Larry Summers will. He’ll give us change we can buy a candy bar with. On the other hand, if Big O wants to do big change instead of spare, he could convert us all to hybrid (socialist) cars. But why stop there? After all, the economy always grows into the ecology; if you want to save the earth, why not invest in carbon? Did you ever hear of a hydrogen footprint? Of course not.

It looks like the Spendo-Dems will bail out the auto industry if they’ll agree to make “clean” cars, once again holding America (General Motors) hostage to the fuel-efficient hybrid mafia. This has Al Gore and his plug-in thugs written all over it. Next up: wind-powered cars – powered by the wind created by the car in front of you. A horizontal pyramid scheme.

If the Big Three collapse, a big three million jobs could be lost. But that includes the hot dog vendors and bartenders near the shuttered auto plants. I suggest a cut in taxes on hot dogs and beer. That would encourage growth in middle America, or at least its mid-section.