Author: Dave Lippman

The liberated ex-Sovietniks are looking forward to the markup of the magicplace.

I just want to share with you all what a thrill it has been to be present for the momentous changes shaking the formerly Evil Empire.  Well, not present in the sense that I have been involved over there in fomenting  anything.  That is deniable but true.  No, I’m just speaking about the lump I got in my throat watching the East Berliners streaming through the Wall at Cashpoint Charlie.  And I know they’re all looking forward to the incentives of free enterprise: the homelessness and unemployment and all the other things you can achieve through the markup of the magicplace.

And yet, strange as it seems, there are people over there who still want to be Communists.  And I never knew this before, but there are actually different kinds of Communists.  There are the ones that are concerned with the environment.  (And believe me, I’m concerned about that too.  It’s definitely out there.)  These nature-loving Communists are known as the Red Greens.  Then there are the vegetarian Communists, the Marxist-Lentilists.

I only hope the changes over there don’t turn out to be a trick.  It would be just like them.  They would cause us to think the Cold War was over, and to cut our defense budget and close down our defense plants.  Then they’d catch us with our plants down and march right in, right through Belgium, across Chad, up through Guatemala and right into downtown L.A.  And take away our MTV.  Think about it.  But not too much.

Disciplinary charges have been lodged against two San Francisco Lutheran congregations for the ordaining of homosexual priests.  The denomination requires celibacy of its homosexual priests but not of its heterosexual ones, but on the other hand, does not permit homosexual priests, and therefore there is no double standard.

An Israeli businessman who helped a retired Israeli military officer who helped train guards who helped defend Colombian drug cartel leaders has been found dead in a car trunk in Miami. The man, who was recently interviewed by U.S. Secret Service agents, was named Arik Afek, which translates roughly as Jack Ruby.

President Bush has unveiledhis plan to cut the federal deficit in half in one year. The plan includes a 20% increase in expenditures for Star Wars, described as urgently needed to protect the United States from Libya and from voodoo lords led by Nicaragua’s first lady, along with cuts in domestic social services. There had been talk of increased social spending due to the “peace dividend” expected from the end of the Cold War, but such talk was criticized by Management and Budget director Richard Darman as a selfish, “How can I get mine?” approach that didn’t suit Americans in this case.  Darman said peace had come because of our military buildup and our commitment to the free market, and it would be ironic if, just as the rest of the world is turning toward market and investment‑oriented principles, we were to do the opposite and give money to people to satisfy their needs. Darman concluded, “Think not of a peace dividend but rather of a growth dividend—to make America even more like it is now.”

The budget includes plans for five more Stealth Bombers.  Darman justified this by denying that they would be deployed in America’s cities to house the homeless, saying they will be busy in other countries, helping the homeless there to increase their numbers.

Another progressive part of the budget is the Bush plan for trees, allocating money to encourage volunteer tree‑planting on private property. The project is intended to offset the volunteer tree‑cutting on public land, and is seen as a way to strike a careful balance between the human rights of logging companies and the survival of the other species on the planet.

The latest polls indicate that Sandinista Communist Leftist President Daniel Ortega has increased his lead over the democratic opposition as a result of the US Rescue of Panama. The opposition, known as UNO, suffers from the perception that it is close to the Contras and would reverse land reform.

The first lady of Nicaragua has called for a conference on witchcraft in Managua. Rosario Murillo, who wears skin‑tight black clothing and tramp jewelry, is a suspected member of the Voodoo Cartel, a shadowy cabal that counts among its members Manuel Noriega, Moammar Khadafi, Fidel Castro, and Sammy Hagar, and has been cited by the U.S. as the reason for recent increases in the Star Wars budget.

Iran‑Contra figure Richard Secord received a stiff sentence for lying to the US Congress about his role in the Iran‑Contra affair. He was sentenced to two years in prison, but the sentence was suspended because the judge felt he had suffered enough. On a sterner note, the judge ordered him to pay a fine of $50 and said he would accept no excuses for late payment. One small detail was left unresolved: the government of Costa Rica declared two months ago that the bombing of a renegade Contra press conference in 1984 was the work of the CIA, who hoped to blame the deaths of journalists on the Sandinistas and launch a retaliatory invasion of Nicaragua. The bombing was a startling development at the time but went virtually uncovered by the major news media because it couldn’t be proved. In other words, it wasn’t censored, just left out.

Televangelists are moving into the former socialist bloc to ply their trade among millions of new viewers.  Word has leaked of plans for a Heritage USSR theme park, complete with hotels, to be financed by advance subscriptions to a Christian TV station. Meanwhile, PTL is moving its ministry to Concord, California. Angry Berkeley residents launched a protest against the move, saying it constitutes an evangelist beachhead on the mainland of the Bay Area and will be followed by the massive distribution of Bibles translated into the many local indigenous languages spoken there.

President Bush told the National Religious Broadcasters Association that “one cannot be America’s President without a belief in God.” Damage Control Officer Marlin Fitzwater clarified the statement, saying it was a general guideline and not yet a federal law.

Continuing his campaign against AIDS, former President Reagan has made a TV spot in which he breaks new ground by actually uttering the name of the affliction, saying “I’ve learned that all kinds of people can get AIDS, even people who matter.”

Vice President Quayle’s upcoming visit to Latin America will not include Mexico or Venezuela because of expected protests of the Panama Rescue by citizens unclear on the concept. Quayle will go to Honduras and Panama to reassure the governments there that the action was justified. The Panamanian government in particular is known to be independent‑minded, if not in fact.

The World Bank is to propose an environmental fund to protect the ozone and promote conservation, prompting vigorous responses from the leading members of the Bank.  Britain expressed misgivings, Japan was less than enthusiastic, and the U.S. non-committal.  A spokesman for the three powers said the Bank should let the planet go about its business and let business go about its planet.

It’s official: a group of American philosophers has affirmed that “Read My Lips: No New Taxes” is, in fact, a philosophy.  At a press conference, a spokesman for the White House Wise Men, a society dedicated to the search for convenience in truth, asked the philosophical question, “If a tax falls on the people and no one notices it, is it really a tax?”  The President, meanwhile, called on all citizens to do their part in combatting the deficit, saying the government had used up its resources in creating it.

TV Marti is up and running.  President Bush says the channel represents the free flow of ideas, at least in one direction, and the right of a free nation to liberate an enslaved nation through free TV.  It is an unbiased station, he said, because it represents America.

Secretary of State James Baker says the U.S. will grant most favored nation trading status to the Soviet Union, but has declined to say whether the U.S. will sell the Soviets nuclear weapons to help them combat our common enemy, who was not identified.

According to a new poll, two out of three Americans no longer consider the Soviet Union a military threat to the U.S., while 60% believe the Soviets are still bent on world domination.  68% said they formed their opinions by reading opinion polls in the newspapers, and 56% said they would not be likely to change their views unless 56% of the other respondents did so first.

President Bush came to the Bay Area today to celebrate the end of the Cold War by visiting the Star Wars lab at Livermore and defending his defense budget at the Commonwealth Club.  Protests were held, as usual, led by the Hate America First Club, who proceeded to burn American flags instead of Libyan babies.

The President said he had reduced the military budget by three billion dollars as well as increasing it by four billion dollars, so everyone should be satisfied. The budget comes to $306 billion, or approximately the price of the Soviet Union. The President said we are the richest nation on Earth and many small drug‑crazed nations that have nuclear weapons hate us, and he would commission a $45 million study to find out why.

Channel 4 News reports that illegal U.S. aid to the Nicaraguan Contras may have been financed through bad loans from Savings and Loan institutions, helping to bankrupt 22 S&L’s in Texas.  The Houston Post reported finding “numerous links among organized crime figures, people with ties to the CIA, and substantial loans from the 22 failed S&L’s.”  One of the S&L directors involved is First Son Neil Bush, so prosecutors are expected to deal firmly with the case.

In East Germany, thousands of citizens continue to pour through the newly cut holes in the Berlin wall in pursuit of the Freedom to Shop.  The Soviet Union has promised not to intervene, and the United States has responded forcefully by warning the Soviets not to intervene.

We are losing enemies at a rate faster than we can make new ones.

I know a lot of you were surprised when we invaded Panama.  Most people thought, logically, that Panama would invade the United States.  Well, they were only off by one.  I think you realize that we had every right to take that fellow out of there.  We put him in there, didn’t we?  And as a matter of fact, as you may not know, we put his whole country there.  Panama, you see, used to be part of Colombia, and they wanted a canal, but as you can guess it would be very expensive to cut a canal through Colombia, so we freed them of that, and gave them that canal that they want us to give them again.  Why, if it weren’t for us, they’d still be speaking Colombian in Panama.

And what did they do, to show their gratitude?  They nullified their elections!  And that’s our job.  So we had to go down there, to protect American lies.  And then, adding insult to injury, they harassed one of our American Serviceladies.  And that’s bad.  That’s that macho thing they do down there.  You don’t do that.  You want to do that, you go find some nuns in El Slaveador.

So we had to go in there.  And then some people said we didn’t really want to catch Noriega.  And that’s true, I’ll say it right here.  But not because he might say something about George Bush.  That’s ridiculous.  There’s nothing to say.  No, quite frankly it’s because we are running out of enemies.  We are losing enemies at a rate faster than we can make new ones.  Why, even this Khadafy fellow, he came out against terrorism.  So naturally we had to come out for it—I mean, publicly—in order to stay on his bad side.

But of course the real reason we went in there had to do with the canal.  We have information that the Panamaniacs were planning to turn that canal over to the Cubans.  I know this—I have photographs.  And what would the Cubans do with it? First thing, they’d convert it to metric.  And we will not have a metric beachhead on the mainland in this hemisphere, thank you.  Thank you.

11/89
The Slaveadoran Marxist Cuban proxy terrorist offensive has proved once again that Nicaraguan shipments of offensive weapons have been getting through.  Obviously the Soviets are not the suppliers, but we prefer to give them the credit rather than take it ourselves.  The possibility that the guerrillas get their weapons by buying them from the Contras or seizing them from the government was discounted by Fitzwater and therefore not reported here.  The Slaveadoran government is stable and shows signs of being able to bring the death squads under control within the next 25 years.

Nicaraguan dictator Daniel Ortega has declared war on his own people in an attempt to subvert the democratic elections planned by the United States for his little peasant people, according to an objective news report.  The reasons for the renewed hostility against the woefully disfunded Freedom Fighters were given by Ortega, but not reported here.

Mr. Ortega, writing in an op-ed piece in the New York Times on Thursday, said “We don’t consider it an acceptable ceasefire when we cease and the Contras fire.”  President Bush responded that Ortega was making light of the situation and should step down.  Mr. Ortega continued his war piece with a litany of well-worn charges that the United States was somehow responsible for the “killing” of alleged civilians and purported “slitting” of their so-called “throats” in recent days, instead of admitting that the incidents constituted the rising of the common people against his Foreign-Supported Regime, and deftly covering up the fact that Soviet-Supplied Cuba keeps the Sandinites in power so that they can sustain the Slaveadoran terrorists in their Campaign against Democracy, that is, us.  Stay tuned for an editorial comment.

The State Department has denied there is any parallel between the alleged CIA plane that crashed in Angola while ferrying arms to anti-Communist rebels there and the Nicaraguan plane that carried arms to the Slaveadoran anti-Capitalist terrorists.  “I would point out to you,” said spokeswoman Margaret Tutwiler, “that there is a regional peace agreement in Central America.”  This explanation was recorded by press agencies and carried without comment in various newspapers, but thus far no one has been arrested in the incident.

Slaveadoran “death” “squads” have struck again.  Six Jesuit priests were killed today by persons wearing army uniforms.  A government spokesman speculated that guerrillas may have dressed up as government soldiers to perpetrate the act and create animosity toward the squads.  A State Department spokesman noted that the guerrillas are backed by Nicaragua’s Communist “government,” which is a notorious persecutor of the Catholic Church, that is, Archbishop Obando y Bravo, that is, us.

Meanwhile the Cuban-backed, Nicaraguan-controlled Slaveadoran Terrorists continue their Final Throes offensive, occupying the homes of the country’s wealthiest citizens, but the government is In Control and shows every sign of remaining stable for at least five more minutes.

Americans being escorted out of the country were not being evacuated, said the U.S. Embassy; they were just going home early for the Tet holiday—sorry, Christmas.  Reporters were also told that there is a Santa Claus.

The Pentagon is considering cuts of up to 100,000 in army personnel and $20 billion in the defense budget, saying that in peacetime, with no enemy on the planet, we should be able to keep the military budget under $300 billion, or approximately the price of the Soviet Union.

12/89
President Bush has summed up the elation of all Americans at the recent surge of pro-democracy forces.  Referring to the most recent uprising, he commented, “We are deeply moved and heartened by the perseverance of the oppressed against a brutal, murderous and corrupt regime, and we welcome back into the family of civilized nations the victorious people of El Salva—excuse me, I’m sorry, of Romania.

The government of El Slaveador has arrested a colonel, three lieutenants and four other soldiers for the killings of six Jesuit priests, their housekeeper and her daughter.  The U.S. State Department praised the arrests, saying they show that the Cristiani government can bring the army under its control within a year after it leaves office.

Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher has denounced the European Community, saying Brussels is setting up a bureaucratic nightmare that will lead to loss of British sovereignty and culture, that is, it will lead to greater rights for workers.

The Philippine government of Cory Aquino has put down a coup attempt by Gregorio Honason.  Asked about the U.S. aerial action the crisis, a State Department source said “We have a basis to defend the government, and a government to defend the bases.”  No word on possible Libyan, Iranian or Syrian involvement in that coup, but staff experts are reported hard at work in the White House Situation Comedy room.

Massive demonstrations continue in Czechoslovakia as the government there says it will permit non-Communists to enter the government.  No word from Washington yet on whether the U.S. will widen the base of the government here to permit the participation of non-Capitalist elements.  Those desiring such a change are being urged by medical personnel to hold their breaths.

In Panama, the Vatican has complained about the U.S. blockade of its complex, and called the U.S. an occupying power.  The Nunciature’s Joaquin Navarro-Vall, which translates roughly as Marlin Fitzwater, also complained about the U.S. Army blockaders blasting loud rock music at the building, including such tunes as Voodoo Chile, Nowhere to Run, and Smuggler’s Blues.  Mr. Fitzwater (ours) replied that this use of music is standard practice in such situations, and lauded the “American sense of whimsy” in the choice of tunes.  Whimsy, incidentally, like Democracy and rescuing small children from wells, was originally an American invention.

The Vatican has also accused President Bush of using the Noriega affair to cover up the high cost in human life of the Panama operation as well as to strengthen his domestic political image.  The spokesman also noted that the U.S. had itself previously given asylum to heads of state such as Ferdinand Marcos and Anastasio Somoza, in order to help end the fighting in their respective countries.  Mr. Fitzwater responded that the Vatican should return to its original project, grant democracy to its people, and discontinue construction of its new airport.  He produced simulated photographs showing Vatican officials receiving Syrian chandeliers from a Libyan soldier disguised as a priest, accompanied by a Cuban interpreter.  Fitzwater added that the Vatican is notorious for its persecution of the Church, having sent unarmed priests and nuns to their deaths in El Slaveador in order to embarrass the U.S. backed military democracy there.

1/90
The White House says the 1991 budget deficit could reach $165 billion.  This is equal to approximately one-half the military budget for defense against the U.S.’s former enemies.  Defense Against Official Enemies Secretary Dick Cheney commented that we must maintain our strength because new enemies are always just around the corner, waiting for us.  Mr. Cheney denied having a military-industrial complex.

The administration fears that budget cuts could hurt the drug war, air safety, and even President Bush’s re-election itself, especially if the government runs out of terrorist drug-running nations with populations under five million to rescue.  President Bush did not say he was considering new taxes, but allowed congressional Republicans to take the fall, that is, to lead, on the issue.

The Democrats said they had no intention of discussing taxes unless Bush brought the matter up first, but the President continues to maintain his No First Mention policy.  His policy does allow for insinuations of flexibility in budget discussions.

President Bush has announced he will nominate John R. Dunne, a New York insurance lawyer, as Assistant Attorney General for civil rights. Mr. Dunne is a member of a country club that bars women, and was vigorously opposed to busing for school desegregation. Mr. Dunne has no experience in civil rights law and is considered the best and the brightest the Republican Party has to offer.

The fourth South African policeman in a month has asserted that police were told by superiors to torture and kill black dissidents.  The U.S. has declined to invade because South Africa is moving towards reform, and has more than 3 million people.

Imprisoned ANC leader Nelson Mandelahas called for negotiations to end what reporters have called “the poisoned relations between whites and blacks due to violence and repression.” Relations were on an even keel, sweet and mellow, before the recent round of antagonisms that began in 19—make that 1852.

Washington Mayor Marion Barry has entered a drug treatment center in Florida, and speculation is growing that the Mayor was pursued by law enforcement agencies more vigorously than if he had been White or if he had been a Jaguar‑driving executive of a failing Savings and Loan company. But in a random survey, only 14% of whites supported the allegation along with only 6% of Savings and Loan executives. 59% of respondents said that if Barry does not resign his post, they would support an invasion.

The Pentagon plans to close numerous military bases in Democratic districts, including several in the San Francisco Bay Area. Asked whether Democratic Congressional districts were being targeted for more than their share of closings in order to victimize Democratic Congressional representatives at the polls, Defense Secretary Dick Cheney responded “That hadn’t occurred to me, but it’s an interesting idea.”

In the wake of changes in Eastern Europe,questions have been raised about the Pentagon’s budget: Do multi‑billion dollar weapons systems such as the Stealth bomber and the Star Wars system any longer make sense? If the nation doesn’t need them to deter Moscow, would simpler and cheaper weapons be just as effective in Third World skirmishes, fighting terrorism and drug smuggling, protecting American economic interests and fighting brush‑fire wars? Would different weapons systems turn out to be appropriate if the United States began to be perceived by its own populace as being on the wrong side of most conflicts? Would different weapons be in order if citizens began to ask too many questions?

First son Neil Bush has refused to accept a settlement in a Savings and Loan case which would have barred him from “certain practices” if he were to become a thrift officer again in the future. The younger Bush, who was a director of Silverado Banking, Savings and Loan and Association, R.I.P., was not barred from working for a federally insured financial institution in the future, as were other Silverado officers, because “he’s suffered enough.” Bush is accused of various conflicts of interest in the case of Silverado Savings and Loan, which was bailed out by the taxpayers at a cost in the low 10 figures.

A new report from Frontline reveals that U.S. narcotics agents had the goods on Manuel Noriega as early as 1971, and that under President Nixon they were moving to indict him but that his file mysteriously disappeared and has never been found. The White House called the report a “non‑starter.” Asked why the Bush administration had not initiated a search for the missing file, the spokesman responded, “Just Cause.” The President has acknowledged having worked with Mr. Noriega in the past in an unnamed three‑lettered quasi‑governmental organization, but said he began to distance himself from the general when he found out about the red underwear and plastic frogs.

It now appears that 100 pounds of non‑cocaine found in Manuel Noriega’s guest house was not some type of Voodoo Bonding Material after all. The confusion came from a typo: The original message said Voodoo binding material, otherwise known as tamales. President Bush said he would not apologize for the original story, even though it had served to legitimize the invasion in the eyes of the public. The President did offer to retract the invasion, but word quickly came that an assailant had shot and killed a US employee of the Panama Canal, and the invasion was reinstated. The president was questioned at a press conference this morning about the loss of Panamanian civilian lives during the Rescue, and he responded, “I tell people, look, we regret any loss of life, but that was a small price for us to pay to have a freely installed government there.

In the wake of the Panama Rescue Mission, code-named Operation Just Cuz, many countries have expressed regret about the move, but many governments do support us privately, according to a White House spokesman.  They just can’t say so because their people would overthrow them.

Report from Dublin, Ireland
May, 1989

President Bush has broken his long foreign policy silence and declared that his goal is to welcome the Soviet Union back into his, that is, the, world order.  Following are excerpts from his speech.

Soviet Expansionism is finished.  
We have only one planet—why have two expansionisms?

“I applaud Perestroika,” said Mr. Bush.  “But why not go further?  Why not let a foreign power tell you how best to restructure?  And who better than someone with experience in running other peoples’ affairs?  And while we’re at it, why not ignore worse conditions in Chile, Mexico, Zaire and South Korea?  Why not, indeed, pretend to be ending the Cold War while in fact giving it a fresh start?

“Mr. Gorbachev, don’t stop now.  Do it the American way.  Because when you get right down to it, is there really any other way?  Open your airwaves to us, to our dollars.  The Chileans did it, and they’re still around, some of them.  They’ve gotten over that socialism thing, and you can too.

“Let openness mean the free exchange of books and ideas between East and West.  Our fine educational system and material wealth, built up not by theft but by hard, honest plunder, ensure that no American lives in need of the outmoded ideas of Marx, while your country, by contrast, could benefit from the Western philosophies that have done so much for the American Indian, the American farmer, the Vietnam veteran—why, for Vietnam itself.

“Mr. Gorbachev, come back into the World Order.  Let your people exercise the freedom to pay for medical care.  And if they can’t afford it, let your people go—to a nation where inability to pay for medical care is a long-cherished tradition.

“The Soviet Union should continue democratization, so that it can eventually become like modern-day Brazil, where two Brazils, rich and poor, live side by side in pluralism, free to disagree, free to keep their respective life styles without fear of change.

“I see a Western Hemisphere that consists of democratic, prosperous nations no longer threatened by a Cuba or Nicaragua armed by Moscow; where each nation, armed by Washington, can freely threaten its own populace.  I see a Soviet Union that pulls away from ties to terrorist nations, like Libya, one that leaves our terrorist nations in peace.

“I see a Soviet Union that returns the northern territories of Japan, that divests itself of the Ukraine, that changes its social system to ours.  I see a Soviet Union that respects China’s integrity, just as we respect the Soviet Union’s.  A Soviet Union that supports self-determination in Eastern Europe, just as we support it in Nicaragua.  More or less.

“Mr. Gorbachev has extended his hand and called for world cooperation.  We welcome this, even though it was his idea, and if he is willing to give up subversion then we will go beyond containment and include the Soviet Union in the community of American-approved nations.  Soviet Expansionism is finished.  After all, we have only one planet—why have two expansionisms?

“In closing, I suggest that those who wish to examine these proposals meet soon to work out the details and approve the proposals, because they are, in the final analysis, our proposals.”

Mr. Bush’s speech was immediately hailed by knowledgeable sources as a clever and entirely legal spin on recent East-West developments.  In a post-address telephone call, Bush and Gorbachev had a frank, indirect exchange of views.  Mr. Gorbachev told the President, “I see a United States responding to the end of stagnation in Poland and Hungary by permitting the end of death squads in Guatemala, El Salvador, South Africa and the Philippines.”  Mr. Bush responded, “I see a Soviet Union that ceases to aid guerrillas in third world countries made poor through their own mismanagement of our investments.”  Gorbachev countered, “I see a Bush burning with desire for a new Soviet Union, but still echoing the old Cold War rhetoric.”  Bush replied, “I see a Gorbachev with an attitude.”

2/89
FONDA: Followers of the “economic justice” fad are in disarray in the wake of the trial separation of Hanoi Jane and her secretly communist husband, Tom.  The couple were noted for rampant corruption, channeling large sums of money from workout videos into political campaigns.  Mainstream commentator Pat Buchanan called the breakup “one more example of leftoid factionalism,” and Hayden’s career is likely to falter without his glamorous wife by his side, according to tomorrow’s column by political wag Liz Smith.  The CIA has denied involvement.

NEW NUKES:  The United States and the Soviet Union have concluded an agreement to hold nuclear weapons tests on each other’s soil.  The deal constitutes phase one of a larger agreement that includes provisions to launch nuclear missiles from each other’s territory, with each nation targeting its own cities.  The pact also calls for the two superpowers to pay for each other’s nuclear buildups in order to spend themselves into submission.

The Sands Casino in Atlantic City has cancelled a planned speech on American Family Life by Oliver North because the speech would “strain the integrity of the casino industry.”

The U.S. Supreme Court, in a long-awaited move against affirmative action, has attacked the policy of reserving jobs for minorities, declaring setaside to be a crime against humanity.

The Federal Government has announced plans to resolve Mexico’s economic woes, curtail emigration of Mexicans to the United States, and stop the drug trade, all with one ditch.

Religious broadcaster Pat Robertson says he plans to parachute thousands of tiny television sets into remote Third World villages, all the sets being tuned to receive his program.  Asked whether the Satellite Video Rescue Mission might not constitute religious imperialism, Robertson replied “If God hadn’t wanted everybody to be a Christian, he wouldn’t have given television to the White man.”

CABAL:  An anonymous source has leaked State Department memos concerning a threat by a terrorist cabal, composed of Cuba, Nicaragua, Syria, Libya and Barbaria, along with four other nations ending with uh, saying that they would not rule out the possibility of bombing an alleged chemical weapons plant in the United states.  A White House spokesman commented, “We have no such plants, and as you can see, their existence is justified.”

The trial is on for Lt. Col. Oliver North, accused of illegally accepting a security fence for his house and covering up the gift on his tax return.  The jury selection process has been slowed by the need to eliminate all those who had watched any part of the Iran-Contra hearings, since they might be prejudiced against North due to his previous admissions of guilt in the case.  This leaves a pool of potential jurors who take no interest in America’s government and would therefore be disinterested jurors.  One woman in the pool said she saw North in uniform on TV but thought it was the Three Stooges.  She was approved for duty.

Let us take a nostalgic look back the past decade: the excitement, the drama of the Reagan years; the spills and chills, the laughs and gaffes; the passion and the glory, the ketchup as a vegetable, the welfare mother’s Cadillac, the drug lords, the Contras—but I repeat myself.

I think we have achieved enough distance that we can look back objectively and rewrite the history of this illustrious period. The purpose, the mission of the Reagan administration was, as we now know, to get Big GovaMint off our backs.  And that means, at bottom, off my back.

We started small, with the transportation industry.  We deregulated the airlines.  Then we removed restraints from the railroads—restraints such as funding.  After that we pushed out to the high frontier, the wild, wild up. We freed space, through free enterprise.  And soon we will have enterprise zones in space.  But this will not bring war to the heavens; our killer satellites will be strictly peaceful.

You know, the Soviets already have a Strategic Weapons program in place, while we have nothing.  Granted, they need it more.  But we will catch up, and we will create jobs, through our Jobs Through Peace Through Strength Through Space Program.

Now I want to be the first to admit that we have problems here at home, what with the high cost of medical care, the unemployment and homelessness.  But at least we know where these problems come from.  These problems are caused directly by Fidel Castro.  Now why did he do this to us?  Very simply, because he is a Soviet Proxy.  Now we have nothing against the Soviets, not anymore.  But their proxies, that’s quite another matter!  We’ve met many of them along the way, and I think you all know who I’m talking about.  I’m talking about the PLO-financed, Irano-narcotized Bulgaroid Pope-killers and their drug-peddling friends, the Sandinites.

In the course of our Odyssey—and what a long, strange Odyssey it’s been—we were confronted with the strangest collection of misfits, looney tunes, and squalid criminals to come down the pike since the advent of Soviet Fomentationism through Surrogate Proxies. We were hampered in our efforts to defend our National Insecurity against this Terrorist Cabal by the necessity of submitting all funding requests to the Senate Intelligence Committee.  But eventually we devised a plan that enabled us to bypass Intelligence completely. Except in the case of the Boland Amendment.  I never understood what that amend meant, but I consulted with my attorney, Fawn Hall, and we decided to go above the written law, the better to overlook it.

Real peace can only be achieved when there is just us.

But now the Cold War is over, and we won.  Of course, that doesn’t mean that we’re at peace.  Because peace, real peace, is not just the absence of Cold War.  Real peace can only be achieved when there is just us.  And there are still other people out there—other kinds of people.  People with other ideas.  No, we’re not at peace.  In fact, as I speak, we’re involved in over 50 conflicts worldwide.   It’s not quite as bad as it sounds:  they’re low-intensity conflicts.  Kind of mellow, California-style disputes.  No people actually die in them—only Communists.

We don’t have class struggle in America.  We have economic policy.

Now that the Soviets are getting out of everywhere, according to our instructions, we must insist that the PLO get out of Nicaragua, Nicaragua get out of Libya, and Libya get out of Liberia, because Communism is dead.  And the Communist nations know this, and that’s why they’re turning to drugs.  And they’re bringing their drugs over here, to destroy the fabric of the American family.  Because they know they can’t do that anymore with class struggle.  Why?  Because we don’t have class struggle in America.  We have economic policy.

You see, freedom isn’t free.  And it’s not something you just buy once and be done with it.  No, freedom must be paid for, at the going rate, until we have all the freedom there is, for ourselves.

In closing I’d like to welcome you into a new era, beyond the Cold War. A kinder and gentler era, with a kinder and gentler homelessness, kinder and gentler farm foreclosure, kinder and gentler coat-hanger abortion, and above all, a kinder and gentler capital gains tax cut.  Because really, isn’t that what it’s all about?

The Savannah River and Rocky Flats nuclear weapons plants have been shut down for routine cleanup, and there is no danger to the public, but the nation is on edge, concerned that the United States might not have enough weapons to frighten the Soviets.  Mikhail Gorbachev, ever the gentleman, has promised not to attack us with our plants down.  George Bush, the energy reform candidate, says the real question of the campaign is “Are you safer now than you were last week?”  He added, “The Soviets should learn from this that a Chernobyl can be avoided by a Free Enterprise System that carefully balances environmental concerns with greed.”

And a poll of Savannah River area residents shows a majority supporting the plant managers who hid evidence of plutonium leaks from their superiors.  53% answered yes when asked “Do you feel that information leaks are more dangerous than plutonium leaks because they make the Soviets overconfident?”  81% said they considered the plant to be a Soviet target, and 65% said that if the plant were attacked they would just as soon go with it.  Residents have never been presented with the possibility that they might be attacked by the plant, and therefore are presumed to have no opinion about it, and thus were not asked about it in the survey.

Child veto: President Reagan has denied that his veto of a bill to curb advertising on children’s television shows was intended to favor business over children.  “It was a pocket veto,” he said.  “I put the bill in my pocket and forgot about it.”

12/88
NICARAGUA: The CIA is alleged to have fomented riots in Nicaragua early last year to provoke a Sandinista crackdown, according to House Speaker Jim Wright.  The CIA has denied the allegation but said they took the action as a pre-emptive retaliation for the Nicaraguan expulsion of the U.S. ambassador later in the year.  The White House accused Mr. Wright of breaching Congressional confidentiality by releasing the information, but denied that what he had released was information.  “There is no systematic policy of provocation in Nicaragua,” said a source.  “As is well known, this administration is opposed to planning.”

Asked about the controversy later at a helicopportunity, the President shouted that the Sandinite cancer consists of a cabal of dope dealers, synagogue bombers and Pope-haters who have constructed a safe-house for Cubans, Libyans, Iranians, East Germans, North Koreans, Red Brigades, PLO and IRA, all united in their efforts to threaten U.S. sea lanes, NATO choke points and the eleven democracies of Latin America.  The cabal has funded and trained guerrillas in Colombia and Brazil, he said.  Denials of the charges came from the Brazilian and Colombian governments, the U.S. Drug Enforcement Agency, various Catholic bishops and a number of Jewish leaders.  “They believe otherwise in private,”  Press Secretary Marlin Fitzwater said, “but they have to say that in public.”  White House intimidations director Patrick Buchanan added, “The Communist bandits in El Slaveador are directed by Bulgarians in Managua, and anyone who doesn’t understand that is funded by Libya.”