The Supreme Court decision upholding the unimportance of “racial” “prejudice” in death penalty cases has come in for much criticism, especially from Blacks and others who are not objective about the issue.
The statistical evidence suggests that killers of whites are sentenced to death far more frequently than killers of blacks. This occurs because in our system, a man deserves what he goetz. More importantly, scientists have shown that Blacks are more prone to death than Whites—witness the choke hold,* higher infant mortality rates, and so on and on and on.
The decision, written by Justice Powell, states that the defendant must show that the judge or jury in this case acted out of prejudice. It is not enough to show a statistical pattern of discrimination in general. It must be shown that, statistically, this particular Black person will be sentenced to death more often than a White person in a similar case, all other things being equal. Since the court system requires that a single case be the basis for a sweeping decision, it might appear at first glance that overall patterns are considered irrelevant to the courts. Better perhaps not to take that first glance, but rather go directly to the conclusion: the pattern exists, but not in this case.
Furthermore, the Court requires proof that race is an issue in America, and this study is barely out of its second century, hence inconclusive so far. Besides, a decision that there is in fact race prejudice involved in death sentences would open the door to similar discrimination decisions regarding members of a multitude of “Other” groups seeking to redress so-called “statistical” perceived “wrongs” through “class action suits,” and could eventually lead to the redistribution not only of death sentences but of income itself.
Mary Beth Westmoreland, an attorney for the state, argued that Blacks are more often killed in family disputes, while Whites are more often killed in robberies. This means that if Blacks would just stay home and kill each other, instead of Whites, everything would be fine.
The Washington Legal Foundation, a public interest group within the American political spectrum, applauded the decision, saying that “statistics have no place in the courtroom.” The courts cannot take up their time muddling through demographic data for each murder case; America is not a demography.
Deputy Attorney General Michael Wellington had commented before the decision that if the courts approved the logic of the deathophobes, it would indicate a conclusion that “the American people are inevitably incompetent to administer it.” This would mean one of two things: either a race-dominated nation cannot have a death penalty, or a race-dominated nation should not exist. But we must exist, except for some of us. Fortunately the question is moot, since the United States is not a race-dominated nation. We are governed by the free competition of ideas and products—that is, television networks. We are not dominated by race, unless you count Japan.
It might be noted that if one more Justice had sided with the dissent, the decision would have gone the other way. The losing side should take consolation from the existence of two points of view in our society; perhaps someday the pendulum will swing their way. In the meantime, everyone has his day in court, and some even get their own chair.
*Studies conducted by a select group of police sergeants in Los Angeles County.
3-87 Acting CIA Director Robert Gates has withdrawn his name from consideration for the Directorship, thus aborting Gates-gate. In his place the President has nominated FBI head William Webster, who quickly promised that Congress will be kept fully informed of agency activities. Webster is known for his scrupulous honesty and attention to legality as well as a recent series of investigations and infiltrations of groups opposing the President’s Central America policy, carried out during his tenure at the Federal Bureau of Intimidations.
4/87 Our military attaché in Poland was not taking pictures of sensitive military installations. That’s what we were accused of by the Polish State, and therefore we never do that. If we did, we certainly wouldn’t get caught. Shot down, maybe. But we will not say whether we will retaliate, although we will threaten to say that we will. We will not bomb Poland, though we would not discourage those in the private sector who wish to aid such efforts.
5/87 Data obtained from the National Security Council’s computer suggests “quite serious discrepancies” in the Arms Affair testimony of Administration officials, but the discrepancies, said a senior White House official, “do not rise to the level of a cover-up,” but merely reveal deliberate attempts to conceal and distort facts about the affair. This according to a senior official who spoke on condition that it not be mentioned that he spoke on condition that his name be withheld, much less covered up.
Waning interest in the never-ending details of the Arms Affair perked up again with the entrance of a new player, Oliver North’s secretary Fawn Hall, no relation to free-lance mercenary Sam Hall, although both are planning books and films based on their alleged involvements. Fawn Hall’s involvements include a 10-month affair with Arturo Cruz, Jr. Said the literary editor of the New Republic, “even Contras can fall in love.”
Secretary of State Shultz appeared at a press conference this morning to say he planned to investigate allegations of drug smuggling by the Nicaraguan Freedom Fighters, and then issued his report, stating that “whatever the problem there is, is under control.” He said the investigation, which will follow the report, will substantiate the report, showing that Mr. Shultz need not be questioned further. About anything.
Tens of thousands of Palestinians in Lebanese refugee camps are reportedly eating dogs, cats and rats because of a food blockade by Shiite militias, according to CBS News, which devoted a full sentence to the story.
It remains unclear whether any laws were broken, although clearly legal restraints were ignored and statutes were breached.
The Tower Commission has released a flow chart taken from Lt. Col. Oliver North’s safe, listing 23 organizations that have participated in Contra funding. Computer files obtained by the commission indicate that North ran a secret international effort known as Project Democracy, which attempted to foster freedom throughout the world by, among other things, procuring arms for the Nicaraguan Contras from Chile, Guatemala and South Africa. (The operation was kept secret from the CIA, which has therefore denied the report.) The hope was that the leaders of these countries would become more democratic through contact with the Contras.
The Commission reported that Reagan probably did not know of these details because of his laid-back, non-intrusive management style, but said that he was not incompetent. The report also stated that the President did not lie, although he had been less than forthcoming, had not been totally candid and had perhaps occasionally dissembled. It remains unclear whether any laws were broken, although clearly legal restraints were ignored and statutes were breached. The President was criticized for allowing his intense compassion for the hostages to get away with him. Mr. Reagan accepted full responsibility and promised to be less compassionate in the future.
Following the report’s release, the President accelerated into neutral, accepting the resignation of Chief of Staff Donald Regan, who was replaced by Senator Howard Baker, a man who commands respect from members of both parties and is given a good chance to put the administration back together so that no future scandals will disturb the public.
After waiting some months for the sharks to stop circling in the water, Mr. Reagan held a press conference on the Iran thing, telling reporters he had not discussed diverting Iranian arms money to the Contras but rather had gotten into a conversation about it. He added that he would not tell falsehoods to the American people, preferring to leave that to his aides.
Mr. Reagan noted that “the people do not seem to be unhappy about what we’ve been doing here”—an allegation which, while difficult to prove, certainly would place the President legally above the law.
3/85 Recent polls taken by the national news media indicate that the American people are deeply concerned about Syrianite terrorism, and that they credit the national news media with making them more aware of the problem, and further that they would like to read more about terrorism in the national news media. In response to the question, “Would you say that U.S. overthrows of governments and maintenance of massacre-based regimes would constitute state terrorism?,” 43% responded “Don’t Know,” while 57% responded “Don’t Want to Know.”
Lyndon LaRouche says that AIDS has been spread by the KGB, CIA, International Monetary Fund, World Bank and environmentalists. None of them could be reached for comment.
IN SPORTS: Most Ohio Savings and Loan institutions remain closed this week in honor of a marathon event held along the Ohio River, entitled the Run on the Banks. This exciting event has become the best attended run since the 1930’s.
No word yet on a date for the Nuclear Winter Olympics, which are expected to be held throughout the world and refereed by Carl Sagan.
In London, the Airline Pilots Association has decided that its members will no longer fly into nations that support terrorism. Travelers are advised to fly to Tijuana or Toronto and take Greyhound from there.
6/85 The competitive bidding for Saturn—the car—continues, with the fascinating innovation of the Governors offering bids on the sale of their own states. This helps to clarify who’s boss, but only until a state is chosen in which to plant the plant. Then, when the state is sold, free enterprise can come back in to free the economy up so that Big GovaMint can get out of the way of the Private Sector and let the Sector get on with the Markup of the Magicplace.
3/86 HEARTCOOLING QUOTE OF THE WEEK:Michelle Duvalier to Barbara Walters: ” One cannot live in Port-au-Prince without air conditioning.”
Extremist guerrillas launched five rockets at the meeting place of the moderate, responsible summit leaders in Tokyo yesterday. President Reagan commented, “They missed,” and Prime Minister Thatcher added, “We are not worried about it. Just don’t exaggerate it. Get the message?” The Reagan/Speakes administration is reportedly happy that it got everything it wanted at the summit and that no one else got anything, although President Reagan reportedly did concede, in relation to the dollar, that there are other currencies.
4/86 Reformist South African President P.W. Botha has announced that pass laws restricting the movement of Blacks will be abolished. He credited the change to U.S. quiet diplomacy, and said that if militant Blacks claimed credit for the change, he would reverse his decision.
President Reagan has declared that Libya has declared war on the United States. The President responded to the provocation firmly, saying “they clearly cannot be reasoned with, and we will meet on the battlefield if necessary with any terrorist nation of less than four million people.” Recapping the events leading up to the present situation: the Libyite hit squads shot six missiles at three of our planes last month, missing a total of twelve times. It was an act of fantastically, amazingly, incredibly and totally unprovoked aggression right in our allies’ back yard. We retaliated, decommissioning some of their seagoing hardware. The action was described as a preventive, self-defensative terrorectomy on military-related targets, made at the request of Israel, Honduras and Grenada.
The daring, courageous strike against a nation larger than Alaska, and with ten times the population, was wimpishly condemned by China and most of NATO, not to mention the Soviet Bloc. The American flag was burned in Greece and West Germany, and protests were held in India, Austria, Cyprus and Sudan. Israel, Britain, and Canada supported the attacks and will not be bombed.
Now that Libya has been put on notice, are we likely to see similar messages delivered to other purveyors of Leninist totaliterrorism? An unnamed source in the State Department told us, “We are looking into that possibility as a routine course of non-linkaged perusal.” The source added that one possible target could be the Sandinistas, saying that they “have been plotting to perpetrate abortions in Brazil and drug deals in Colombia, and to kill praying schoolchildren in Harlingen, Texas.” The source predicted that the American people would support the government’s actions, in part thanks to the very large number of organs of the press in America, all saying the same thing several times over a period of time and thus giving the message an opportunity to sink in, if not to be thought through.
Colonel Khadafi has decreed that the Soviets will help him against the “forces of imperialism,” a Libyan code word (also used occasionally in Latin America, Asia, Africa and Europe) for Western Democracy.
5/86 The United States has shot down two Libyan fighter planes in what has been described as a routine maneuver. The incident took place over international, that is, U.S. waters, over 70 miles from Libyan territory and within a few miles of U.S. territory, that is, ships.
The F-14’s beat the Soviet-made MiG-23’s in the brief battle due to the greater number of automatic features on the American planes. According to Norman Polmar of the Naval Institute Data Base, “The F-14 pilot does not have to think, he just flies.”
Soviet Secretists continue to maintain that only 12 people died from the Chernobyl disaster. Meanwhile Western Openists have discontinued their charges that 2000 died in the accident. They have not dropped their charges or withdrawn them, but merely discontinued them, as they have served their purpose.
6/86 William Rehnquist has been sworn in as Chief Justice of the United States. He says the Rehnquisition will begin Monday.
White House Press Secretary Larry Spoke today that Presidential press conferences have outgrown their usefulness. ABC correspondent Sam Donaldson countered that news conferences are the only chance the American public has to see Ronald Reagan use his mind. The press secretary agreed.
The President has vetoed sanctions on South Africa, saying “I’m not saying the Congress, the American people, the United Nations, the Commonwealth and the OAU are wrong—I’m just saying I’m more Right.”
U.S. peace battleships remain on alert in the Persian Gulf, protecting the Gulf from the Persians. New polls indicate that 56% of the American people do not believe we are at war with Iran, but a whopping 73% believe that Iran believes that it is at war with the United States. The administration feels that if we should become involved in something a majority can agree is a war, it would be well worth it, since it would boost the President’s popularity, with a trickle-down effect, making all Americans popular.
Israeli peace-keeping troops continue their defense of the West Bank against attacks from its inhabitants, who are Palestinians and therefore do not exist. The soldiers use only Uzi rifles to defend themselves against the terrorists, who are heavily armed with Soviet-bloc rocks. The Defense Ministry reported that Western access to oil was saved.
The Israelis have assured the United Nations that they plan to continue to counter terrorism in the Meddle East by getting to the scene of the crime first and committing the act themselves.
The President has asked Israel not to ask him to ask them for anything. Israel wanted him to ask; it was not required that he ask politely, but it was stipulated that he would later admit that he had asked, if asked. This offer was turned down. At this point the President went before the press and said, “Who’s the president of that airport, anyhow?”
A new scholarly study by the College Republican organization reveals that anti-apartheid protestors are members of the “Cause of the Month Club” and are endangering the right of free speech by using it. The retiring President of Yale, Bartlett Giamatti, added, “We all agree apartheid is an unmitigated evil. We don’t have to prove our abhorrence by divesting.”
Morton Thiokol, Inc., the manufacturer of the booster rocket that sent the Challenger to its doom, will be required to do $409 million of repairs on future rockets at zero profit. In return for this penalty they will not be blamed for the accident.
Philippines Defense Minister Enrile, who replaced former Defense Minister Enrile as Defense Minister, has denounced the old government. He said that Marcos began honestly, but that his regime degenerated into corruption in its last three days.
7/86 STATUE OF LIBERTY EXTRAVAGANZA The President of France has been disinvited, leaving center stage to President Reagan. After all, the statue is ours now. Meanwhile, ugly rumors to the effect that the French gave the U.S. the statue in commemoration of the abolition of slavery have touched off speculation that the event will be taken over and turned into a rally protesting so-called “continuing” “injustices” against alleged “Blacks” in this country. To prevent this, the Chilean ship Esmeralda, known for its sternness in refusing to bow to dissidents, will attend the festivities. Although the government is spending $5.7 million for security and $3.2 million for publicity about the security, authorities say there are no guarantees, and they are urging Americans to celebrate liberty by staying at home and writing checks to the armed service of their choice.
8/86 AFRICA: In a recent meeting, Secretary of State Shultz urged African National Congress President Oliver Tambo to renounce violence in pursuit of change in South Africa. Tambo responded that the right of revolution is enshrined in the Declaration of Independence. Shultz replied that the passage in question refers to people rebelling against foreign domination—or in 20th century terms, Communism. Tambo later sent a note to Nancy Reagan, asking for a sample from Shultz.
A finding is a government directive that allows an agency to take actions that would otherwise be immoral.
9/86 NO MORE VIETNAMS: President Reagan has issued a finding authorizing $10 million over two years for CIA involvement in the Philippine government`s counter-insurgency campaign. Said an intelligence source, “We don’t want to see any more Vietnams—just more Vietnam wars. A finding is a government directive that allows an agency to take actions that would otherwise be immoral.
ADVICE FOR AQUINO: In the wake of Philippines President Corazon Aquino’s visit to Washington, Proconsul Philip Habib has revealed that the Reagan administration had been planning the removal of Philippines leader Ferdinand Marcos for two years. Secretary of State Shultz congratulated President Aquino on her commitment to nonviolence, advising her that the revolution should continue to be non-violent, and also should end next week, so the Filipino people can get on with the task of not joining with the Communist guerrillas of the alleged “New” self-proclaimed “People’s” purported “Army.” If Aquino plays her cards right, said Shultz, the terrorists will lose all the popular support that they already don’t have, according to U.S. law. Shultz also advised against making any rash economic changes, such as the elimination of U.S. bases or hunger.
A new study by Pentagon business analysts concludes that it’s none of your business if money is donated to Freedom Fighters by freedom-loving private organizations such as Saudi Arabia and Brunei. The study notes that if Elliot Abrams of the State Department asked for the donations, he did so on his own time, which would of course be his Business.
Investigative reporters are looking into allegations that all of U.S. foreign policy may be exactly the opposite of what was previously thought. Among the specific allegations are that the Pentagon has been secretly arming Libya, the CIA has been giving nuclear secrets to moderates in North Korea, and that the United states is actually the Soviet Union.
Disturbances continue under the state of emergency in South Africa, but Secretary of State Shultz says sanctions against that country would be “sort of a copout.” Anti-apartheid spokespeople polled by us agreed, saying withdrawing loans and business on the part of the United States would be like taking the cop out of South Africa.
10/86 IBM AND GENERAL MOTORS have pulled out of South Africa, saying “We cannot in good conscience continue to do business in a country where our investment helps to sustain a system under which we are losing money.”
In Nicaragua, a land mine exploded under a civilian transport truck, planted either by the Freedom Fighters or by the Sandinistas in an effort to discredit the Freedom Fighters. No people were killed—only Communists.
Non-CIA pilot Eugene Hasenfus is still being held hostage by the Nicaraguan “government” in direct violation of U.S. law. President Reagan says that Hasenfus is being tried by a Kangaroo Court, but the President continues to deny any knowledge of Hasenfus’ existence. Hasenfus did fly for Southern Air transport, but that is not a CIA airline. It was sold several years ago.
A protest rally was held against President Reagan’s Central America policy across from the White House yesterday. The demonstration, led by Jeane Kirkpatrick, Patrick Buchanan and Elliot Abrams, demanded that the policy be more like it is, immediately. Those attending the rally included many Cuban exiles from New York who now live in New Jersey.
Filipino Defense Minister Enrile, who replaced former Defense Minister Enrile as Defense Minister, is threatening to quit the government. He now feels that the current government is as bad as he now feels the Marcos government was.
ADVICE WARS: President Reagan this week ordered 55 Soviet diplomats out of the U.S. In retaliation, Mikhail Gorbachev ordered 55 American advisers out of El Slaveador. In response, Reagan abolished the 55-mile per hour speed limit. The move was hailed as a revolution, and throngs filled the freeways singing the revolutionary anthem, Life Begins at 55.
Attorney General Edwin Meese said today that Supreme Court interpretations of the Constitution are not the last word or the supreme law of the land. He cited the 1954 School Desegregation decision, saying that if the framers of the Constitution had wanted school desegregation, they wouldn’t have allowed slavery.
11-86 America’s Catholic bishops have approved a pastoral letter urging full employment and an end to alleged poverty in the U.S. Pope John Paul II, in a carefully measured response, asked, “If we make heaven here on earth, what will we need the other one for?”
TONIGHT’S TOP STORY: Rebellion against Soviet occupation continues to flare in Idaho, but Nebraskans reportedly do not feel any connection to it, being more concerned with local issues such as long lines for tomatoes and bad coffee with their soy pancakes. Can’t happen here? Perhaps not, but the miniseries “Amerika” provides a sober, thoughtful view of what life will be like if liberals, feminists and environmentalists continue to weaken the nation’s will.
Under the Soviets, political protests are outlawed, instead of ignored.
Under Soviet domination, says the series, phones will malfunction, dissidents will be unjustly jailed, farms will fail, and the homeless will wander in the cold. But in other ways, our lives under the Soviets would be different than today. For example, doctors would lose their condos in Vail, and political protests would be outlawed instead of ignored. Responding to protestors who claim the series incites hatred and fanaticism, writer-director Donald Wrye explains that the show is not about being invaded or occupied, or about Russia vs. America, and that he was merely exercising the artistic freedom we have here in America to spend $30 million promoting World War III.
In Moscow, Communist Party Boss Gorbachev has denounced the U.S. Government for allegedly misrepresenting the results of the Reykjavik talks. Press Secretary Larry Spoke that the White House is pleased that Secretary Gorbachev enjoyed the meeting. He defended the 100-odd presentations made since the non-summit to put across the White House’s view of the talks, saying the presentations were not intended to undermine or distort the meeting—”We just got lucky.”
Tonight on television President Reagan will break his silence on the arms affair. According to advance dribbles, he will address the nation, but not the questions of secret management of the Contras, coverup of Iran policy, or his own statements. There is a reason for this. According to Nancy Reagan, “We’re doing all we can in 13 minutes.” The President reportedly will reveal that power resides not in the White House, but with the people, and it is therefore the American people who have fucked up.
1/87 HOSTAGE DRAMA: FBI agents have seized eight Palestinian terrorists from their suburban Los Angeles homes, and plan to deport them under the 1952 McCarran-Walter Act, which permits deportation of foreign nationals holding different views than the FBI.
President Reagan has submitted three versions of when he approved the sale of arms to Iran. He rhetorically asked all those present at the photo opportunity if they could remember what they did on April 8, 1985, and none could. The Cabinet, John Poindexter, and Oliver North were not in the room at the time.
A Los Angeles Times poll indicates that only 37% of the public believe Reagan is in charge of the government, but 79% say they like him personally. This is explained by the fact that at least 63% do not like the government, personally.
Sam Hall, who was not a U.S. government mercenary but rather an irregular, and who was caught with maps of Nicaraguan army bases in his socks, was released by the self-styled Nicaraguan government on the grounds that he is mentally unstable. At the Managua airport he told reporters “I’m sorry I tried to ambush the Nicaraguan people.” State Department sources clarified that Hall was not apologizing, merely noting his regret that he had been caught. Hall is in custody of U.S. security agents and will be available for comment after a few adjustments.
2/87 Elsewhere on the adjustment front, a Slaveadoran army colonel released last week by the leftist Marxist guerrilla terrorists told the press that the guerrillas only want peace. Presidential daughter Inez Garcia experienced similar confusion on her release by the terrorists, but has recently appeared much more sedate in public.
The Bureau of Prisons reports that condoms will not be distributed inside jails because sexual activities in jail are illegal.
George Bush has told a Lansing, Michigan audience “these are good times to be a Republican.” Nancy Reagan told reporters afterwards she was not aware of the Vice-President having a drug problem, but would encourage him to “just say nothing.”
A bomb blew apart a jetliner that had departed from Sri Lanka Saturday, with a death toll of 22. Several of the victims were Europeans, and the rest were not.
Acting CIA Director Robert Gates has told his staff he is not satisfied with the statements they’ve made on possibly illegal support to the Nicaraguan Freedom Fighters, and has asked them to revise their stories. Gates noted that in a free country, you get a second chance.
Student rioting in France is over but continues in Spain and Mexico City. The issue in all three countries: government attempts to institute new admission requirements that students claim will create elitist institutions and keep poor people on the bottom. But as one university official queried, “Who else can you put on the bottom?”
Once again, I’m sorry. I’m sorry that George Shrub and his ilk are still with us, foisting the “Right Point of View” on an what’s left of the planet. But Dr. Shrub (Monroe Doctorate) does have one attribute his real-time colleagues lack: Although he does lie, censor and distort, he admits it. Proudly. If you ever wanted to know what they’re really thinking, George is your man. Because he’s his own man, unelected, unbound by the demands of special interest groups like voters, minorities, humans…At last we have a man willing to come right out and say what he’s thinking, and that you shouldn’t. A man who may not agree with what you say, but who will defend your death if you say it. A man who selflessly shares his views with you so that you won’t need your own. A man who will travel to your town and help set up an intelligence-free zone in your neighborhood. A man who knows a lot, some of which is true, the rest of which he’s willing to share.
And not just a man who’s willing to talk: George Shrub is the world’s only known singing CIA agent. Others have plundered, gathered information and dissed it; only George sings the song as he tells the tale.
From his humble beginnings as backstage manipulator for the Reagan for Shah campaign, through his work as senior adviser to the Students United for Apartheid (SUFA) and the Coalition Against Central America (CACA), George Shrub has risen to become the Poet Laureate of the Imperialist Community and the respected anchor, or anyway the anchor, for the fabled “NewsSpeak” program. In this capacity he carries on the never-ending battle to explain world events away for those who, unfortunately, follow such things.
The present volume collects George’s wit, if not wisdom; his “news” reports, his diatribes, and even the history of the United States in a rap tune. The work collected here covers up events from 1985 to 1990. Most of these pieces were originally delivered live and in person to helpless victim audiences around the nation and beyond. You might want to seek out his earlier works, “George Shrub Speaks—Declassified Addresses,” Volumes I and II (combined), to complete your collection. Or a friend’s—remember, Christmas is always just around the corner.
Contents copyright 1990 by Dave Lippman, in spite of himself.
There were Indians there. They had come over from India to throw a surprise party for Columbus on his arrival in the United States. Columbus, however , was engaged. He had been engaged by Spain in furtherance of the free market, which at that time, was in the hands of Big GovaMint, unlike today when we have the opposite. More or less.
At that time, the free market was controlled by the government, instead of the other way around.
Europeans discovered Americans instead of the other way around because they had ships. With these ships they soon controlled the whole world, having discovered, named and claimed it, not necessarily in that order.
A number of temporary settlements were set up and taken down, and finally a permanent one was set down at Jamestown. From this eventually came the 13 colonies.
LIBERATION The North American colonies were conceived in liberty: they liberated the New Continent from the previous tenants, who underutilized it, and liberated the slaves from the Dark Continent, which was overpopulated.
Things went along fine for a century and a half, until the Crown decided to lay some taxes on the colonists and to have some soldiers quarter their homes for them. By this time the colonists had built up the business and had begun to think of themselves almost as junior partners in the firm. Also, they had become proxies of the French, who were exporting revolution and shooting their way around instead of participating in the democratic process. The Monroe Doctrine hadn’t been invented yet, so there wasn’t much the British could say about the French. They said it anyway.
The “Americans,” as they began to call themselves, decided to have a revolution. Actually only a third of the colonists really supported the revolution, and a lot of people who supported Britain got repressed later or fled to Canada. But that was ok because they were standing in the way of democracy—that is, us.
The American revolution was a great inspiration to people all over the hemisphere, who took up its precepts and fought to kick out Spain. That wasn’t really exporting revolution though, since it helped to unite people against an Evil Empire.
LAND REFARM After the revolution some land was taken away from the Tories and given to people who needed it for farming. This has often been cited as a precedent for “land reform” projects by subsequent “revolutions.” However, in our case the displaced Tories were told that they could go out West and get some more land if they wanted, which is not an option in smaller countries that lack a West.
Also, there has been social progress since that time: much of the world, and most of the Western Hemisphere, is now part of the Free World, and landowners have been some of the most steadfast supporters of the Free World against its natural enemies, the Free Landers. So the seizure of land from its Owners has become an act against democracy. And as leaders of the Free World we are required to act against such acts.
In 1787 the people decided to write a Constitution. All the workers and slaves were busy, as well as the women, so some landowners, merchants, lawyers and slaveholders used some of their vacation time and got together on the project. This was only fair, since they were the ones that knew how to write. But the other people were considered. Slaves were protected—or anyway, slavery was.
Tom Jefferson said that no lands should ever be taken from the Indians without their consent. Therefore, when he wanted Louisiana (which was somewhat larger in those days), he bought it from France.
THE WARS TO FREE CANADA AND MEXICO In 1812 the young nation tried to liberate Canada from the Empire so that we could have Canadians as neighbors, or maybe even merge with them so that we would have a North Coast to go with the other coasts we were collecting. But the British retaliated, and the War for Our Canadian Provinces quickly became the War of 1812. When the British burned Washington we wanted to mine their harbors, but we needed help from the French, and they were broke.
The United States at this time was still looking around for a name, and in the process we found some land Out West which seemed to be empty, since it had no houses or downtowns on it, but merely a bunch of conical tents.
Somehow we got into a war with Mexico. We never started or even declared this war; you can read about it in the preamble to a bill that was in Congress to provide some funds to some U.S. soldiers who had gone to Mexico to protect some U.S. citizens who were being threatened by Mexico’s army because they were behind on some debt payments. In the preamble to this bill, President Polk explained to the Congress that Mexico had declared war on the United States. The Congress was indignant to learn this, and approved the military funds. No one opposed this war, except for some of the people. And some unimportant Congressmen like A. Lincoln.
As a result of this war, Mexico gave up several states that didn’t really belong to them, like New Mexico for example, and California, where by coincidence gold was discovered later that year.
SLAVERY BECOMES IMMORAL About this time slavery was becoming a big issue. The North was opposed to slavery, although they were in favor of buying Southern cotton and selling it to Europe for money with which to build up industries. But the dispute really came to a head when the South wanted to expand slavery into the newly-former Mexican states. The North saw that this was clearly immoral; it represented unfair competition with the expansion of free farmers, that is, northerners, that is, not slaves.
In 1863 Lincoln freed the slaves to join the Union army. 200,000 newly former slaves fought in the Union army. They won the war—that is, the Union won the war and they helped, and the government thanked them with early release from the army. They would have also been given some land, but certain radicals in Congress demanded this, so in order keep the country Moderate the demand was declined.
After the war it was necessary to reconstruct the South, but there were two plans for this: the Southern plan, known as the Klan Plan, and the Northern plan, known as Carpetbagging. A compromise was achieved in which Northern troops were pulled out of the South and replaced with Northern business, which trickled jobs down to the former slaves. Or at least, it will.
Blacks thus achieved a new place in society, a new share in the crops, and became indebted to America and its landowners.
The way to the future was the same as the way to the West: the railroads. The Populist Party wanted them nationalized, but this was wrong. It did not become right for 40 more years.
THE DEPRESSIONS OF AMERICANS Every so often, people get depressed. Americans, and their economy, are no exception. Sometimes depression can lead to worse states, as in the Panic of 1837, or the Red Scare of 1919. These things happen because our Free Market System has economic cycles, which means that the market goes round and round, merrily, so people get to rest from being crunched. In fact, if you think about it, they get to be off the ground most of the time. But don’t think about it too much.
Women were given the right to vote. They asked for it in 1865, and we took it to committee, and because the women were respectful and quiet during the feasibility study it was given to them of our free will in 1920.
One reason change was slow was that the Indians were interfering illegally in America’s self-determination. They assassinated a major candidate for the Presidency, General Custer. It seemed unlikely that they could get a fair trial since fair trials are very popular and you have to have a reservation. We gave them one, and they have been happy since then. As far as we know.
LABOR’S PEACE WORKERS Throughout the late 1800’s there was peace between labor and management, with the exception of the general strikes in St. Louis and New Orleans, the silver, copper and gold strikes in the West, and national coal and railroad strikes. But war was never declared, so peace prevailed.
To preserve the peace, management offered labor the eight-hour day. The workers were astounded, never having thought of that workplace innovation, and accepted with glee. (There had been one documented rally for the eight-hour day in Chicago, which was led by a Soviet proxy group of Marxist thugs and caused a Market riot, keeping management busy mopping up and thus delaying the transition to the eight-hour day.
Society was held together by trust—by a number of trusts, in fact.
In the early 20th century, Labor was able to relax because society was now held together by trust—by a number of trusts, in fact. There were, however, a few tense moments at Ludlow, Colorado in 1914, when a striking coal miners’ tent city was set afire and fleeing women and children were machine gunned. But this isolated incident, mistakenly dubbed the “Ludlow Massacre,” has been distorted by unions, who are biased and therefore tend to give unbalanced reports. First of all, the military action by state police and national guardsmen was provoked by the intransigence of the worker-terrorists. Secondly, the action was led by troops who were veterans of the campaign in the Philippines, who were getting antsy waiting to rescue Vietnam and had to keep their skills up.
Citizens of the big Eastern cities dismissed the incident because it occurred so far away, and since, with all that coal on them, the miners hardly even seemed white.
RELATIONS WITH OUR NEIGHBORS After Cuba was freed from the Evil Empire of the day, the U.S. Congress passed the Platt amendment, which gave the U.S. and Cuba the right to intervene in each other’s affairs if necessary. It turned out to be an extravagance to have it running both ways.
At about this time we sent 50,000 advisers to the Philippines to advise the Filipinos on the advantages of allying with us. This was of course an experiment in imperialism, which we soon abandoned (except for Latin America, which is not really imperialism but rather protection from the imperialism of others).
WORLD WAR WON The American people had a great stake in the war between Germany and England— through expected trickle down from the U.S. corporate and bank ties to Britain’s economy. The American people felt very strongly about these ties, or anyway felt strongly opposed to Germany, or in favor of Britain. They didn’t at first, but after reading about it for a while in the newspapers they did. Newspapers were very important, even then, and especially in time of war, or at least just before a time of war. Besides, the Germans were to become bad guys, as we saw later and said earlier.
We needed to be on the scene for another good reason: to rescue Russia from the invading Bolsheviks, who were exporting revolution from the vast tracts of Marx. But the faint and bleeding hearts in Congress prevailed, and we did not.
The World War, or at least our part of it, was opposed by socialists and pacifists. It was necessary therefore for the Post Office to decline second class mailing privileges for the publications of these elements, offering them instead second class citizenship. The Germans took advantage of this situation and called it an act of “repression of the press” and “desertion from the original project of their revolution,” and threatened to overthrow our government to save freedom.
Two groups in the United States felt that class struggle should go on during the Great War: the Industrial Workers of the World (IWW) and the trusts. The trusts won.
FROM PANIC TO SCARE After the War, American business forged ahead, instilling fear among the Communist nation. This was called the Red Scare. During this time many immigrants were suspected of being unAmerican, and a check of their documents tended to confirm this. They were not sent back, however, because although they were Red, they were also White.
Management tried to help the unions during this period by offering to tailor the workers work habits and make them more efficient. This was necessary in order to raise the level of profit, which had fallen because of two noble gestures by the business community:
1 – They had given up a previous source of profits, slavery, when it was shown to have become immoral and unprofitable. 2 – They had given up their other source of income, war, having made their point and made the world safe for democracy, that is, us.
In the 1920’s modern advertising was developed. For the first time, people were able to know what they wanted, and why certain products would make them happy. This was a great relief, and people relaxed and enjoyed themselves instead of thinking about economic cycles and labor strife.
TOO MUCH FOOD Farmers, on the other hand, lived in the country, where there were no billboards. Therefore they spent a great deal of time stewing about their condition. The farmers had increased production to meet wartime needs; after the war, farm prices fell and farmers suffered. The government refused to intervene, being opposed to intervention except in case of war—that is, strikes. The farmers were told to solve their problems in the marketplace, and if they could not, to come back in fifty years when government would be big enough to help them.
But the farmers were not to remain the only unhappy ones. In 1929, city dwellers became depressed by the lack of jobs. They organized into unemployed councils, resisted evictions, marched for jobs and unemployment compensation, and demanded union recognition. FDR was thus brought in to stop communism. He did this by remaining neutral on labor strife, so that no one could say the government favored management, which would have been interpreted by some as a course of human events justifying altering or abolishing that government and instituting among men, if not women, a new government favoring labor.
RESHUFFLING THE CARDS The New Deal pulled the country out of its depression, by providing full employment in 1940 (after a series of feasibility studies and experimental programs in 1932-39). Also at this time there was another war, which made everyone happy.
After the war the newly-enlarged military stood guard against depression, as they do today. A popular psychiatrist of the time named Eisenhower said that people who were against the continued largess of the military and related industries had a military-industrial complex.
The U.S. Marshalls rebuilt Europe so the Europeans could help fight the Soviets, who were bound to be mad us for not rebuilding them. Therefore it was necessary to scare the Reds again, starting at home. The Soviets immediately surrounded themselves with a buffer zone of satellite states, in preparation for surrounding us. In retaliation, we surrounded them, using our old connections from the previous Russian Rescue Mission.
THE FALL OF CHINA In 1949 China fell down, due to the Communist policy of banning advertising and, in fact, Pepsi Cola itself. This latter ban was later rescinded, heralding the return of Western values to the Yellow continent.
The French good-naturedly gave Vietnam as a present to Ho Chi Minh, but we considered this hasty and ill-considered so we held it in trust for a while and then returned it, after remodeling its kitchen and fixing its airport.
AMERICA’S BACK Europe’s declining fortunes caused them to relinquish interests in Latin America, which was of some interest to us since this area had broken copyright laws by using our name without permission, and since they are located directly under us. We have been the main ones responsible for trying to educate them about democracy ever since, and by lending them a lot of money we have finally managed to stir up some interest, which they are forever late in paying off.
We also saved South Korea, thinking we might need it later, and indeed we have since saved many dollars due to the happiness of the people there to work for reasonable wages. (The wages of American workers are not a tenth as reasonable, but that is a close approximation.) Our friendly relations with the South Korean people have also been a boon to anthropologists, who are able to conduct hands-on experiments in a living culture which maintains, in the modern era, the quaint labor practices of 19th century America.
The Korean war was provoked by the North, which invaded the South. They encountered no resistance; the South Koreans simply waited, not wanting to fight fellow Koreans. They preferred to leave that to Americans. Later, when we went to the North in a pre-emptive, defensive rescue mission, the Red Chinese brutally invaded and attacked our boys. Today the Chinese have learned better than to attack our boys, or our values, but the North Koreans continue their aggressions. They obviously want what we’ve got: South Korea.
Countries like South Korea are grateful to America for our protection, and in turn they help us by providing our population with an incentive to work more efficiently in order to compete in the free market place, that is, South Korea.
HELP FOR SMALL BUSINESS In the 50s, the mood of the country was high. America was back, along with the dollar. Every Washington’s birthday there would be a big sale. The new prosperity enabled consumers to buy many products to replace the ones they had bought the year before, which had gone out of style, thanks to advertising, or which had simply broken, due to being last year’s products.
The large corporations helped independent business people by buying their products and their businesses, and then giving them jobs in the now larger corporations. In this way they made them middle class, whereas before they had been petty and bourgeois.
This era saw the spread of the suburbs, which, along with the freeways on which to get to them, were built at great public expense. This necessitated benign neglect of the old inner cities. But the cities became ever more colorful and so did not require much funding. Eventually Big GovaMint brought in Urban Renewal programs in order to give black neighborhoods a new coat of whitewash.
The 60’s brought the civil rights movement, which won its goals in 1964 with the Civil Rights Act, which was quite an act. After that the Blacks rioted, so we took their riots away. Today blacks have achieved equality, except where they are oppressed by traditional cultural values, self-appointed leaders, and affirmative action.
WOMEN ASK FOR TOO MUCH The “women’s” movement grew bold and attempted to charge industry 41 cents more for women’s self-styled “labor.” Companies were at first inclined to pay, but it was then revealed that the money would be spent on day care, counseling, and karate classes, all of which are of dubious Constitutionality. So the companies’ patriotism and respect for the law won out over their good nature.
THE LESSONS OF VIETNAM The Vietnam war happened to us in the 60’s. It was opposed by those who did not have access to classified information and thus could not formulate the right point of view. As Former President Dick points out in his book, Vietnam won this war primarily because we did not. Therefore we must adopt a policy of “No More Vietnams,” undertaking to win the next one. It is to this end that I have declassified the classified history of Uncle Sam, so that you can know him for what he really is, and help out in his crusade for democracy, that is, for respect for one’s elders, that is, teaching his nephews throughout Our Hemisphere (and World) to say Uncle.
So remember, nephews, this is the greatest country in the world, since it consists of all the others put together. Everything you have in this country was given to you freely, by the free market. You might have had to work to get it, but usually all you had to do was ask politely and it would be granted. You certainly never had to fight for it; we took care of that a long time ago.
So if you need anything, anything at all, just ask. In the meantime, relax. Be secure in the knowledge that somewhere in the world, at any moment, an American soldier or satellite is keeping track of who’s making mischief and endangering democracy. That is, us.
Address to the national meeting of Imperial Surveillance, Inc.
Today I would like to misdirect your attention to a problem we have been creating in the well-known problem area of MIA’s—Misplaced in Air. To begin with, we had a little problem—or should I say an opportunity—last season when a Korean Air Lies photographer—excuse me, pilot—strayed a few hundred miles off course over the Kamchatka Peninsula, which the Soviets claim is part of their territory. (They don’t mention that they seized it from Japan in 1945.) So the Soviets met, and talked it over, and then the rulers of their regime’s clique decided that logically, cold-blooded murder would be the best way to implement their lofty goals.
The Korean Air Line, which is really the correct line, also had lofty goals. You see, they were not aware, at the time, of a Soviet missile test scheduled on Kamchatka for the day of the fated flight, although U.S. reconnaissance planes cover the area 24 hours a day. The KAL was also blissfully unaware of the existence of strategic command bases on Kamchatka, since KAL agents—I beg your pardon, pilots—are not allowed to know anything they’re not allowed to know. The pilot simply wished to offer his passengers something a little more than the competing airlines. A view of an exotic area. But of course the Soviets don’t believe in competition, at least not on a commercial level, so they shot the innocent 007 down. Afterwards, they tried to justify this act by saying that the plane’s radar pattern resembles that of an F105 “spy” plane, that the pilot ignored warnings and communications attempts—in other words, they generally tried to use logic to subvert our lofty goals.
More recently, we had the case of a drowned American helicopter. (American means of or pertaining to the United States. We do lend our name to other parts of Our Hemisphere, at the prime rate of course. For example, Latin America: Latin is their first name, just as every little child has a first name. And then America is the family name. So we’re like one big happy family, with the United States of America acting as the father figure for the youngsters: Latin, South and Central.)
So one of our boys was in his helicopper, you know, boys will be boys, and he was flying a routine, preplanned, pre-ordained legitimated non-military defensive mission as part of peaceful war exercises planned jointly with the Honduran-American peace constabulary. And the Nicaraguoid puppet army shot him down. Just like that. And then they said he was flying in a sensitive border area. Seriously, if they’re so sensitive about it why don’t they move it to some place with more callouses?
Then in February, four U.S. soldiers were killed and six injured when their helicopper crashed in Honduras. This was not the result of hostile action, but we are looking into the possibility that the Nicaraguites are happy about it and would like to have been responsible.
Now going backwards in history—which is my favorite past time—we find that in 1964 the North Veetcong were also kind of sensitive, in this case about what we might see in their sea, specifically the Gulf of Tonkin. Now we had a vessel out there engaged in routine, defensive exploratory work such as every nation with a world fleet and interests in other people’s countries conducts. And we were shipnapped. They claimed we were staring at their private parts. But of course their scheme backfired, as it provided President Lyndon with the opportunity to impress upon Congress some of the finer points of the subtle workings of the Southeast Asian Mind.
And so, being rather sensitive themselves, the Congress passed a resolution on the Gulf of Tonkin, annexing it. Now when the North Veetnamese didn’t fully understand that resolution and give it their support, of course we had to explain it to them, gently but firmly, which turned out to take a while. I don’t think they understand that situation to this day, but as long as you don’t, that’s all I really care about.
Earlier on there had been the case of Mr. Gary Powers, Esq., who got off course in 1952 and suddenly found himself and his plane over the Soviet Union, where he was viciously shot down by Chinese-trained Soviet anti-aircraft gunners who pointed the finger at Eisenhower, shouting “You too, you too!” They cynically claimed our man was involved in espionage or, worse yet, that he was spying. That’s ridiculous. Why would we want to look at a bunch of obsolete military installations? (Of course in 1952 they weren’t obsolete yet. But we knew, through our excellent surveillance networks, that they would become so.)
So, as we’ve already explained many times in a sensational fashion, MIA’s are the major foreign policy issue we face. If the Irano-Lybioid-Sandinite subversive delinquents can’t get their little countries out from under our democratic civilian-military aircraft (and those of our twisted alloys), and persist in shooting them down, we will be forced, with a heavy heart, to shoot down at them. Then, if they relent, we will see to it that their country is relent to the highest bidder.
Much has been made of the purported “reforms” being instituted by the totaliterroristic regime in Nicaragua. To examine the true nature of that self-proclaimed society, let us look at selections from their own newspaper, Barricada, which as you may not know is Spanish for the Sandinite national fish, the Barracuda.
Item. Nicaragua’s fourth annual anti-polio campaign reached an estimated 500,000 children. Sounds good, but look a little deeper. Buried in the third paragraph of the article we read: “the USSR donated 1.5 million vaccines.” So much for those children; they now have the Red Poison right in their veins. At least in their left veins.
Item. A singer of children’s songs, Mario Montenegro, says, “Many people have told me that I’m doing something ridiculous, since only mothers sing lullabies; if that’s so, then I also know how to be a mother.” You can see where the American family will end up if we let the Nicaraguites export their revolution here. And anyway, their export of revolution competes unfairly with our export of counter-revolution, since the latter must rely on capital-intensive technologies while the former is merely labor intensive. Or as they say in the Revolution Business, “popular.”
Item. Food prices are topsy-turvy: milk costs 30¢, grain 58¢, sugar 34¢, yet wine costs $50. You can see they’ve made up their minds, and made up the people’s minds for them. And speaking of choice, I’m pro-choice. But in Nicaragua there are only two brands, sometimes only one brand of milk, rice, beans and sugar. Where’s the choice? And while we’re at it, where’s the beef? You can see that the people are allowed one choice only: eat it or beat it. In other countries the food may be priced out of reach, but you can be sure there are many brands to look forward to purchasing someday when you stand tall enough to reach the prices.
Item. Censorship of television shows depicting drug use and “sex as merchandise or denigrating images of women.” This repression of nakedness constitutes naked repression of the media. Even worse than this repression of free opinion is the repression of dissidents, as in the case of Starsky and Hutch. And perhaps worst of all is the control exercised over commercials. Advertisements for liquor and cigarettes have been banned, along with those “using” women as sales “devices.” This brutal act flies in the face of tradition. Even the Sandinoid press admits it: “using women as sales devices has been the traditional method of ad agencies.” If these outrages are allowed to continue, what will happen to traditional values?
And the motive? In their own words, they do not want to “incite consumption.” As if consumption was a natural instinct that needed no prompting! I can tell you where it’s all headed: they want to reduce advertising to the simple, banal transmission of information on what products are available, just in case you should get the capitalistic urge to consume something (or somebody—if they don’t ban that too). Imagine the unemployment when the whole advertising industry goes belly up! Or perhaps they’ll reprogram the ad people, forcing them to paint People’s Billboards, which will no doubt use children to sell ideology.
Item: A cultural festival brought together youngsters from all over the country under the watchful eyes of armed guards, i.e., their parents. The festival included an anti-imperialist political cartoon contest, perverting the real function of political cartoons, which is to make fun of helpless minorities in order to steel them against the hard life that is their lot while we steal from them their labor.
Item. The junta comes out foursquare for arms proliferation, announcing plans to distribute “all arms to the people in every corner of the country.” But will the people rise up against their oppressors, who cleverly arm them as a cheap propaganda stunt? No, they have been cynically instructed not to, to fire instead upon their neighbors’ private property: U.S. bombers and their ex-Somocyst freedom pilots. Their cynicism pits brother against brother, peasant against Former National Guard. The world desperately needs arms control!
Item. Last year the government cancelled the debts of small farmers to the National Financial System. The farmers may be small, but the debts added up to $350 million. Granted, the debts go back to Somoza’s time. But should the debts of our own poor (there are known to be seven of them) be forgiven just because they go back to Carter’s time? A truly pluralist society pays the debts owed to its former proprietors!
To sum up, you can see that Sandinoid mind control, market meddling, moral manipulation and intravenous activity add up to one thing: abnormality. How can we normalize relations with a society that is the focus of abnormality in the modern world? A society that boasts a one-brand market is well on the way to a one-party state, and you can be sure I won’t be invited. A government that attacks TV commercials for alleged “use” of women for “promotion” of “consumption” will soon attack all commerce on the same grounds. A clearer threat to our national insecurity has never been posed. No, we will not normalize relations with the Nicaraguoids. But we will normalize their country. Even if we have to destroy it to do so, it will be a small price for us to pay.
