Author: Dave Lippman

Address to the Fortunate 500 April 19, 1984

It has been reported that U.S. troops are now involved in actual bombing missions in Slaveador, rather than just training flights. You must understand that the Slaveadorans tend to consider every mission as a combat mission, whereas in American eyes some of these are training missions. As is normal, we are using American eyes, and there the matter rests. Along these same lies, some church officials monitoring alleged civilian casualties have stated that the increased bombing sorties have increased said alleged casualties, but in American eyes the surgical strikes have reduced the casualties. When American eyes are smiling, why look any further?

Jeane Killpatriot has observed that the portrayal of Nicaragua as a victim in the current situation is a “complete Orwellian Inversion” of what is actually happening. What Jeane means is that in fact Nicaragua was a victim, during the Somoza administration, of repeated attacks upon their approved government by the Nicaraguan Communists, who, properly speaking, are not actually Nicaraguans but rather Sandinoids. Now that Nicaraguan society has become inverted, the victim in Central America is obviously the United States, which is in danger of itself becoming inverted.

In defending the U.S. decision to exempt our peace-seeking activities in Central America from World Court jurisdiction, Jeane stopped short of saying that the United States should disregard international law, choosing instead only to think it. Nicaragua wishes to make a propaganda show in the Court, while the United States has the prudence to make its points in more appropriate venues, such as the harbors of Nicaragua.

All these developments come against the unspoken but disturbing background of changes in the character of the United Nations since its formation. It was originally a body focused on uniting the world against war and aggression; but with the addition of many newly-independent nations it has become a forum for attacks on the United States instead. This particular Orwellian Inversion can be traced to the tender age of the dissenting nations; I’m sure they’ll understand things better when they’re older.

The United States is embarking on a get-tough campaign against terrorists. Pre-emptive strikes such as the mining of Sandinoid ports and the mopping up of terrorist strongholds such as Slaveadoran villages will be supplemented by rewards of $500,000 for information on Potential Terrorist Activities (PTA’s). White House Press Secretary Larry spoke of this as “more co-operation and more sharing of intelligence,” the intelligence taking the form of $500,000 bills. So if you’ve been short of cash lately, and you know someone who may be active in the local PTA, please don’t hesitate to give us a call. If your suspicions prove partially un-founded, we will be happy to provide you with a new identity and transportation reimbursement as well.

President Ron has explained that a far-away totalitarian power is attempting to change the strategic balance of the world by taking Central America away from local totalitarian powers. This sort of destabilization will not be tolerated. If Central America is lost, we will be forced to take out ads in the lost and found, or even to go to the expense of buying new countries to replace the old ones. We cannot stand by and watch guerrillas force Communist Dictatorships down the throats of innocent peasants, even though there is not much else going down their throats under present arrangements.

Due to the continued incidents of unauthorized violence and criminals shooting their way around, we will be stepping up (though not escalating) our Neighborhood Watch in Central America, which is after all just over our Property Line. Debate on this issue has clearly strayed too far from realty.

Address to the Americanized Public April 13, 1984 

I would like to personally apologize on be­half of the State Department for our behavior in regards to Central America. We should never have tried to get $93 million in aid for the government of El Slaveador and $21 million in aid against the current government of Nicaragua on 24 hours notice. From now on we will allow two weeks for delivery.

Normally such requests are submitted to the Senate Intelligence Committee, but in this case Intelligence was completely bypassed.

We realize the seriousness of our error. It dampened the ardor of Congress to take part in our new Linkage policy. By linking the aid to a home energy assistance bill for the elderly and other Somewhat Needy citizens, we offered the Congress an opportunity to choose between icing people in Central America or freezing people in Middle America.

Our new post-apology policy of linking the aid to emergency food assistance for Africa has been criticized as forcing those who would feed the hungry to also take sides in a civil war across the globe. But it’s not really taking sides, just supporting a government in power, in one case anyway. We see our approach to human rights policy in a wholistic way, to be pursued through quiet, diplomatic bludgeoning.

We will continue our endeavors to build a bi-partisan consensus in support of our pogrom for democracy in Central America. Rest assured, we will buy partisans with the utmost dis­cretionary funds. And as you know we are now giving the World Court the opportunity to participate in these matters on an equal footing with the Congress.

President Reagan has appealed for swift approval of emergency civilian-military aid for El Slaveador, saying that without supplies and training the government there cannot defend the country from its people. It is not true that 30% of U.S. aid ends up in guerrilla hands. The proper figure is 50%. The guerrillas procure the materiel on the black market and through illegal paramilitary means such as assaults on government outposts. Under considera­tion at the State Department is a plan to arm the guerrillas directly, which has the added benefit of cutting out the middleman and saving the American taxpayer some much-needed dollars.

U.S. army companies have been sent to the Honduro-Slaveador border on what are called “no notice exercises.” This means that no notice will be given in advance of the exercises, and no notice should be taken of them. The soldiers will encourage Nicaragua to disintervene in El Slaveador’s civil conflict. We have been exclaiming for three years that the Sandi­nites have been arming the Slaveadoran guerrillas, and we will be presenting the proof of this as soon as we replenish our supply of white paper. The renegade Nicaraguans—that is, their government—must stop the export of revolution to their neighbors. It interferes unfairly with our export of counter-revolution

The guerrillas, for their part, have issued a bellicose “warning” to the U.S. of A. not to launch attacks on their persons from Honduras, which we would never do anyway under nor­mal circumstances. The statement from Red Bandit Radio said that if they were forced to retaliate they would force the U.S. to “pay a quota of blood.” Of course we oppose quotas of any kind; when we are forced to retaliate we do not discriminate in any way. We in­tend to continue military exercises to keep us in shape for the war which we will not seek, but will not run from. The exercises, known as Grenadero I, will be followed by Son of Grenadero I, and then by Revenge of the Grenadines. The exercises will not tend to involve us in the civil war in Slaveador, provided the guerrillas don’t shoot down any of our air­craft involved in peaceful war games in Honduras. They may only shoot down our helicopters which have been sold on the free market or given as Christmas gifts to the Slaveador government. And these it may shoot down only with the understanding that it will make us angry and encourage us to never say never.

Incidentally, the helicopters in question have been incorrectly classified by some as military aircraft. They cannot support machine guns unless the owner cuts a hole in the bottom and puts in gun points. Night vision cannot be hooked up except as a special infrared attachment which must be purchased separately. Anyone who would go to all this trouble would have to be in pretty desperate straits.

Furthermore, we are not building up a military blockade of Nicaragua as has been insin­uated. We are engaged in routine mining operations there, constituting a collective self-defense to pre-empt possible Cuban mining in the Miami area. In fact, we are sub­contracting this work out to local contra actors and making use of the latest in smart mines, which home in on the root of the problem in the region: Soviet oil tankers. It’s  well known that people do sometimes get hurt in mining, and that’s why there are unions. The Russians have the Union of Soviet So-Called Republics, which can keep them out of the mines if it so desires.

We will continue to fly missions overhead in Slaveador, and to deploy around, next to, near and beside the country. I will not comment on deployments under the country as they are, by definition, covert. But we are not deploying within the country. Not in uniform. Not in our uniforms. Not that I know of. But that’s really a matter for the Pentagon to not comment on, rather than the Committee.

In other foreign affairs, the citizens of Berkeley, North America were shocked to learn, according to four major newspapers that requested anonymity, that they no longer have a sis­ter city. It appears that the town of San Antonio Los Ranchos, in a part of El Slaveador which has gotten Out of Hand, has been brought back under control through the discreet and prudent use of saturation bombing. This has an uncomfortable side-effect in that the town no longer exists.

Berkeley City Councilman Leo Bach, a noted moderate politician who has been moderately critical of moderate land reforms in El Slaveador and Berkeley, called for suspension of the sister city relationship—a perfectly reasonable proposal since the sister is now defunct. Some clearly biased observers insist that the people still exist and have just been scattered into neighboring villages, needing more aid than ever. But to say that the people are the city is an affront to the entire notion of prop­erty rights. As for the contention that the money being sent there by Berkeley is to help the peasants grow food, I’m sure that if the people there would withdraw their support from the guerrillas and switch their accounts to the legitimate government, the locals would be pro­vided with jobs in the private sector, that is, the army.

PERSONALITY FOCUS: 

Richard Stone has resigned as U.S. Special Envoy to Central America. President Ron thanked him, speaking through Larry, for his help in executing U.S. policy and its opponents. Stone’s replacement is Harry Schlaudeman, who has a great deal of exec­utive experience, having directed the White House National Bipartisan Rubber Stamp Commis­sion on Central America and having served as Ambassador to Argentina when there was an abundance of work there in the executing field.

Speech before the Bipartisan Commission for Trilateral Annexation April 12, 1984    

International relations have taken a major step forward with the construction of an 1800-mile barbed wire fence on the India-Bangladesh border. If the barrier succeeds in keeping unwanted Bangladeshi’s out of India, we hope to erect a fence at the Mexican border to keep the Land of the Free free of cheap people; another barrier at our northern border would keep potential draft­ees within the home of the brave; and electrified versions stretching the length of our various coastlines with gates at 200-mile intervals would be installed, allowing refugees from behind the Iron Curtain and other legitimate commerce to pass through our shield of invulnerability. It is, unfortunately, difficult to install a fence at the Nicaragua/El Slaveador border since there isn’t one. And we can’t put it up at the Nica­ragua/Honduras frontier because that would un­duly restrict the free movement of Nicaraguan exile frontiersmen engaged in a Rescue Operation to save Nicaragua from its better judgement. We’re working on it.

The U.S. Agency for International Development will give $15 million to complete the for­merly Communist-Inspired airport in Grenada. The administration now concedes that it invaded because it was felt we could build a better airport. The Senate will consider legislation requiring all Western nations to submit blueprints of their construction projects in advance to President Ron for his approval, and to prepare for a quiz on Fri­day.

America is on the move again, moving on countries far and wide, small and smaller. We are once again standing tall, on a wide variety of backs. However, the U.S. role in monitoring South Africa’s withdrawal from Angola will be minimal and there will be no American involvement in combat in Southwest Africa, even though it lies within South Africa’s smear of influence and hence within our own. A Western diplomat, who wished to remain anonymous in case things change later, said that monitors are not advisers, advisors are not trainers, and trainers are not troops. However, he conceded that they are peace-keeping forces and that if fired upon they would be obliged to stand tall so that they could see who was firing on them and report it to the teacher.

In other war news, Miami police were recently able to prevent extensive rioting by mak­ing swift arrests. According to Raymond Lang, an empowered spoke for the Miami Police Cluster, “We got the troublemakers off the street. Those who were released didn’t see any fun in being arrested a second time.” The reason for all the merrymaking was the acquittal, by an all-white jury, of an all-white policeman on charges of killing an all-black person. Now that the troublemakers are off the streets, there’ll be more room for policemen and their juries.

President Ron’s re-election slogan is “Let’s Finish the Job.” And the planet if possible. The other emerging campaign watchword is “America is Back.” Just how far back will be revealed at a date to be revealed at another point in time. Mr. Fritz Mondale, a former­ly unacceptable candidate because of his failure to take a side on the Grenada Rescue, has been certified as acceptable due to his description of Honduras as a democracy in need of American technical advice, and his recommendation to provide the advice via 200 “nonmilitary soldiers.” Welcome to the club, Fritz.

Governor Deukmejian of California has vetoed the self-styled gay rights bill, saying that a person’s sexual orientation should not be the basis for the establishment of a special protected class of individuals—only the establishment of a special discriminated class. Meanwhile, women’s rights leader Ronald Reagan, speaking through his girl Friday, said that we’ve made a lot of progress in his lifetime. He said women got the right to vote, and since then they’ve come a long way, baby. President Ron has appointed more women to high levels of government service than any of his predecessors. In fact, former President Nixon has allowed the press to quote him as saying that the Republicans will elect a woman Vice President before the Democrats will be able to nominate one be­cause “the Republicans need it more.” Once again, evidence from an unimpeachable source that the Republicans are the Truly Needy.

https://youtube.com/watch?v=xwiYqOAl7VM%3Ffeature%3Doembed%26rel%3D0

The U.S. State Department report on human rights reveals that serious problems in Iran, the Soviet Union, Afghanistan and other states stem from the fact that these nations op­pose our policies, and hence our values. Therefore they feel compelled to be Wrong on the Human question. According to this report, the peace activists in the Soviet Union are suppressed, instead of just being ignored as in the West. The report notes ad­vances in Latin America, especially elections or intent to hold elections in El Slaveador, Guatemala and Honduras. Certain sectors of the population will however be ineligible to vote, including victims of death squads, since they would be prejudiced against some of the candidates and therefore not objective voters.

Report to the Neighborhood Watch Committees of Our World’s Neighborhoods March 14, 1984

Flora Lewis has been doing a wonderful job in her “Thank you America for liberating Grenada” series on the op-ed pages of America. A number of ordi­nary Grenadians, she reports, are fed up with local politicians and want to try American ones. It does­n’t say which number of people are fed up. Well, the Grenadians must learn that the price of indepen­dence is the responsibility to democratically make the correct choices. So we’ll give them another chance real soon and see if they get it right this time.

In line with the Administration’s policy of domesticating foreign affairs, George Schultz has said the Nicaragoids are putting themselves in jeopardy and blaming the U.S., imagining foreign troops ringing their borders and lurking in surrounding waters. George said the Sandinites have a lot to apologize for. He offered to apologize for U.S. interceptions in Nicaragua in 1854, 1896, 1912 and 1926, but only if the Sandinites apologize for harassing innocent, unarmed Popes and suppressing that sector of the press which represents our views there, exercising their free democratic right of publishing with finances from classified sources. But, said George, we have no First Apology policy.

Uniformed sources report that Cuba may “use Salvadoran guerrillas” (which they purchased in a 1980 black market transaction) to retaliate against the United States. The guerrillas, left to themselves, have nothing but warm feelings for U.S. military forces. This is because most of our aid takes civilian forms, both mater­iel and life. As General Abrams has commented, “I don’t believe trucks and jeeps are military aid. Chevrolets can be used to kill people too.” He meant Ford Pintos I’m sure, but it’s the thought that counts.

On the legislative front, the Senate has approved further aid to the freedom-fighting contras who, in a gesture of their democratic intentions, are no longer following Mr. Somoza. The House has rejected the aid. Administration attorneys are looking into whether the House can, by law, be abolished.

Mr. Kissinger, in a dissent to his own Commission’s report, says that there are very few options open to us in securing freedom in the hemisphere, and that one of the only options left open to us is to invade ourselves. That certainly would get to the root of the problem. He also asserted, upon presentation of the report to President Ron, that the worst human rights violation they saw during their in-depth hands-on 24-hour inves­tigation in El Slaveador was “the lunch they served us.” One can see that the country des­perately needs agricultural assistance, if not land reform.

Speaking of Henry, the approved government of Chile has declined to turn over to Israel the Nazi, or rather former Nazi SS officer, Walter Rauff, for trial on charges of gassing thousands of eastern European Jews in mobile death vans during World War II. The Chilean foreign minister told reporters it would be inappropriate to expel a citizen who has lived 20 years in peace. He has obviously changed his ways, as he is no longer gassing Jews, is no longer mobile, and in fact no longer even owns a van. Besides, said the foreign minister, he has taught us so much!

Until next time, don’t do anything I would do; better still, don’t do anything at all!

February 21, 1984

The business of America is none of your business.

The mood of the country is up. Joyful Americans are thumb­ing their noses at despair, shouting “up yours!” and other patriotic and bullish slogans. If neither the economy nor the President collapses this year, we can expect to see more bull in the market, or at least in the press. But for the moment, even though the Business of America is none of your business, let us discuss the President’s proposals for the Fiscal Year 1985 Deficit.

Ron proposes cuts of over 300 million workhours or 150,000 work years from the Federal Fat. Just think about what good use value you could get from all that time saved. You could see the rise of new civilizations, replacing the ones ren­dered extinct by modern technology. And with a fresh start, you could hold down all that paper work to a moderately op­pressive level. But the Administration will not wait idly: Ron will be introducing a constitutional amendment to freeze paperwork at the current levels and reduce it to zero by the Year Zero. I urge all concerned Americans to support the Freeze.

Some honest people have questioned, independent of and coincidental with Soviet manipulation, why defense spending is so high. Quite simply, it’s because domestic spending is so low. As a result of spending sprees by previous administrations, spending on social services had ballooned all out of proportion, as if the Congress thought that people mattered. But when we cut the fat out of these programs, those who merely think they are poor will get truly unruly, and then we’re going to need those increases in conventional arms and other peacekeepers. At that juncture we will take a bold hu­manitarian initiative and Bring the Boys Home from Lebanon, Guatemala or wherever.

The Department of Energy will not be abolished, but to make up for this shortfall, Prez R has given over one half of its budget, $7.8 billion, to a truly progressive energy program: nuclear weapons. Following the lead of the Texaco-Getty merger, the Energy Department will eventually be entirely merged with the Defense Department.

The President has reserved only $1.2 billion for solar energy research since the sun has been doing fine without our interference for some 300 million workyears.

Now a lot of you are probably wondering what exactly is a billion? Wellfolks, a billion dollars is what it costs to buy one province in El Slaveador (we will be bringing this cost down by encouraging private sector support to that country’s military program for civilian pest control). A billion dollars is also the amount spent world-wide on arma­ments every three days, which is why we have so much peace.

You haven’t heard too much lately about the Misery Index, because it was created by former president Mr. Carter as an attack on Former Prez. Jerry (not Brown). How­ever, the Misery Index now looks good for Ron. The Index is a computation of the public’s expectation of trends in inflation and unemployment. The Index now stands at 13.7%, as against 20.7% four years ago. This means that fewer people now think that things will get more worse than they did before, or than people thought they would before.

The public’s views are said to be colored by their political allegiance and by articles about public polls that they read in the newspapers. More Republicans believe more things will get better sooner than less Democrats. Unless of course the Democrats should win the election, in which case they would then be free to draw up their own Misery In­dex to create a new Current Public View. (Independents and members of other parties, who constitute .0004% of the population, generally believe things will get worse before they get even worse. So much for so little.)

We will continue to doctor the nation’s economy back to health, just as Doc Stockman doctored the economic indicators back to health. The bottom line is that the virile recovery continues pumping the economy. We will continue to bring down unemployment, but in the meantime will redeploy it to Oklahoma and the District of Columbia. Infla­tion is being relocated to Israel and the surplus to Chile. The data are not adjusted for seasonal factors, but unemployment is generally in season. Season’s greetings!

As you are unfortunately aware, there have been some minor snags in our Lebanese Peace Campaign recently, such as the resignation of the government and the persistent refusal of renegade un-Christian militias to deal with our peace­keepers on a humanitarian level. But we refuse to adapt to the unreasonable conditions set by these maladapted mili­tias. We entered the Peace Process to defend the pro-Western government that we have installed there. Now we can’t just march in, set up a government, and march out, can we?

Charges that we are intervening in a civil war are an exag­geration. We have come to the aid of a legitimately consti­tuted government that shows signs of gaining the popular support needed to remain in office for five more minutes. Although some Lebanese army units refuse to fight, Secre­tary of War Weinburglar assures us that the army is improv­ing overall. Over all of whom is not yet clear.

I believe it’s time to get syrians in the meddle east. There’s no question about which way those Syrioid missiles are aimed. They are aimed up.

Just because Moslems are a majority in Lebanon doesn’t mean they can go shooting their way around, especially with Russo-Syrianista aid. True, the Maronite Christians are traditionally allied with Israel, which has had some minor political involvements with Lebanon in the past and is rumored to be supportive of the Gemayel government. But to compare this with the designs of the sinister Syrioid empire would be to suggest that the United States is out of bounds, which is logically impossible.

The Syrioids have justified their unjustifiable interventionism in the name of re­gional security, stating that they were “asked in” in 1976. They claim that certain great powers from across the sea have intervened in the region and they must defend their neighbors. This line of argument is unconvenient and to all events illegitimate, since it was stolen from our team. When PrezRon expresses these sediments they have the ring of truth to them; therefore, if someone who presumes to be our enemy uses them, they become false.

The Syrianistas should not try to humiliate the United States by shooting at us. We will humiliate them, and ourselves if necessary. And we are not pulling back our peace­keepers. We are re-organizing them and redeploying them. We will not rule out re­deploying them to the United States, but we will not withdraw as long as we have a mission to compete. Whining by democrats that our mission is poorly defined is not substantive whining. As White House Press Spokesman Larry spoke, Those who call for pulling troops out of Lebanon are not unpatriotic, but they would be more patriotic if they would mind their own business.

No, we cannot change horses in the middle of the east. If we were to withdraw the keepers of the American Piece, democrats and socialists would say that 241 Marines died in vain. You see, Prez believes that people shouldn’t say that sort of thing, because the more a thing is said, the more it becomes true. As in the case of many of his statements. For example, it is now more true than ever that there will be no military draft. Unless of course we are attacked. We have not been attacked in Lebanon or at the Honduro-Nicaragoid border. There we have merely been provoked.

Besides, if you turn and run when threatened, it sends a bad signal to your antagon­ists. It could cost you more than 200 lives—It could cost you an election. If you’ll recall (but not the President), Ron ran for the White House on a platform of standing tall against Shiite Moslems. No more burning of embassies to the ground. No more terrorist bombing attacks. No more kidnappings and disappearances. Not against the United States, no.

So we will continue to stand by our commitment to Israel, which remains our most twisted alloy in the region. Recently the Israelis have shown great flexibility, modifying their long-standing position that there is no such thing as a Palestinian to “There is no such thing as a Lebanon.”

Address to the American Medical Assassins February 12, 1984

LINDA CHAVEZ is the new staff director for the Silver Rights Commission (which approved the Martin Luther King holiday as “the maximum we can do for the great man”). The Jeane Killpatriot of the nation’s foreign and domesticated Hispanics, she is the typical Hispanic-American woman: she is in full agreement with the traditionalist view that America is not a racist society, and feels the progress in civil rights in the last 20 years has been remarkable—perhaps too much so.

The new director ridicules comparisons of herself to James Watt, saying “Watt was not always careful when he spoke, and I try to be.” She understands that we must go to the source of Hispanic problems—the Soviets.

As a teaching assistant, Ms. Chavez found that open admissions resulted in large classes, which tend to become unruly, and concluded it would be better to leave the unruliness outside school. She believes there is no such thing as a free school lunch or even school, advising youngsters that if you work hard enough you’ll make it to the top of everybody else.

Chavez says that the notion of equal pay for work of comparable value may emerge as the most important civil rights issue in the 1980’s, and that the principle underlying comparable worth is a fundamental, radical one that would alter our exist­ing marketplace economy. In other words, promoting comparable worth is a federal offense. In the tradition of civil rights activists calling upon the Injustice Department to re-dress society’s ills, Chavez will ask for prosecution of equal pay proponents as federal race and sex offenders, and will recommend jail sentences or fines of compar­able worth.

PrezRon has told the nation that “no challenge is more important to the character of America than outlawing abortion” (with the possible exception of increasing nuclear weapons proliferation). We are, after all, pro-lifers. And it will be after all, if we have anything to say about it.

Those who as­sert that hungry people are poor because greedy people are richhave got it backwards.

Under the abortionites, said RR, 15 million children will never laugh, never sing, never know the joy of human love, never strive to heal the sick, feed the poor, be the poor, or make peace among nations by joining the Marines and res­cuing Americans from Russians in Grenada, El Slaveador or wherever.

Turning to God, Ron stated that if we could get the Lord and discipline back in the schools we could get drugs and violence out, and back into the streets where they belong. Drawing upon his authoritarian command of rock and roll lyrics he said “perhaps we shouldn’t say God is on our side, but couldn’t we at least ask Him if we’re on His side?” He intoned, with a strong back-beat, that we will continue our efforts to Give Peace a Chance. Addressing himself in thinly-veiled quarter tones to the Slave-adoran guerrillas, he queried, You say you want a revolution? Well, you know, we’d all love to see the plan.” And referring to demonstrators who parade outside his appearances with horrifying photographs of so-called victims of death squads, he sang a chorus of “I Shall Not Be Moved,” closing with a rousing rendition of “We Shall Overkill.”

THE TRULY HUNGRY have been discovered to be victims of silent undernutrition, which at last explains the phe­nomenon of the Silent Majority (a phrase from Homer meaning “the dead”). No one in America actually starves—they can always eat dirt, which is rich in minerals. Besides, there is no more room at the top. Those who as­sert that hungry people are poor because greedy people are rich have got it backwards. Anyway, it is merely a val­ue judgment in any case.

TURNING TO THE ELECTION CAMPAIGN: Tip O’Neill has endorsed Walter Mondale because “we need a tough negotiator at the peace table.” PrezRon is now running on a platform of concern for the hungry, all five, for the landless peasant (in Afghanistan) and for the burned-out artist. Which just goes to show you how much pluralism we have here in this country. We not only have two parties, but each party takes both sides on the issues.

Mr. Mondale, however, would not be an acceptable President. He never has taken a stand on the Grenada Rescue, one way or even the other. I like to know where a man stands, and I do try to keep up on where all of you stand, sit, eat, sleep, sleep with, and pay taxes.

They say Mondale dares to be cautious. Gary Hart says that if Thomas Jefferson had dared to be cautious the people of this country would all be speaking Iroquois today. That wouldn’t do, because then Iroquois would be the lingua franca of the Free World, and there are some things that just don’t translate into Iroquois. Like Manifest Destiny.

AT&T, a fun-loving communications company, had a bit much at its last office party and mailed out 40,000 credit cards to the wrong people. They appealed to consumers to be honest and not use them fraudulently. Just as you would not steal from someone you love, you would not defraud your communications company.

There are some things that just don’t translate into Iroquois.
Like “Manifest Destiny.”

AND IN SPORTS, a date has not yet been set for the planned Nuclear Winter Olympics, at which Carl Sagan will referee. Major contenders China, the Soviet Union and the United States are expected to be joined at the meet by Israel, South Africa, Pakistan, Brazil and many many more. Since the elimination of the missile race-track event, the American team has been hard at work retraining for the 6-minute cross country sprint. In a novel bit of nostalgia, 1950’s rock and roll will provide a background for the Cruise Competition. I’ll be seeing you all there, if not after.

Remarks to the meeting of Citizens Reacting Against Anti-Nuclear Propaganda December 21, 1983

I speak to you tonight regarding the recent television program about alleged nuclear war. The question about The Morning After is, of course, will we still respect each other in the morning? This obviously was not a show suitable for children. In fact, the war itself has been rated PG, based on the previews.

Perhaps you noticed that there were no women on the panel following the show: You weren’t supposed to notice that. Or anything. But since you did, be advised that this was a panel of experts, and women know very little about blowing up the planet. We know what we’re doing.

The goal of the film was admirable. It attempted to scare us to death so that we won’t need to use those nasty nukes. This is also the President’s goal. In line with this, President Ron has made a proposal to reduce the missiles and their targets to zero. This is called the Ground Zero Model. What we would shoot for is to build down our missiles. Of course, when we cut in half the number of missiles, we replace them with new ones which are more than twice as effective. What we are aiming for ultimately is one single weapon that will be ultimately effective. Arms reduction will continue to be a matter of great importance to us until there are no matters of great importance.

Our deployments of nuclear peace-keepers in Europe, it should be clear, are in response to a request from our allies in NATO, just as our deployment of the rescue mission in Grenada was in response to a request from our subsidiaries, that is, allies, there in the Eastern Carob Bean.

ALLEGED SPECIES

As Mr. Buckley explained, if the Soviets know that a war will cause the extinction of the species, including Russians, then they won’t strike first. (Except of course by accident. We don’t have accidents, and if the Soviets do, well that’s their problem, isn’t it?)

Mr. McNamara said we must have stability, such as he personally tried to establish in Vietnam. Mr. McNamara unfortunately overlooks the fact that the tension in the world which is causing nuclear risk comes from an imbalance in the warhead distribution, weighted heavily towards the North. Now that Argentina has done its part to redress this inequity, we’re not arranging, through Israel which is not our proxy, for the South Africans to be able to contribute to peace as well. The Soviet Union, however, is doing nothing to rectify the imbalance, since all their territory lies in the North while many of ours are in the Southern Hemisphere.

Mr. McNamara also says we have consistently overstated our underpreparation for nuclear confrontationism—that is, the fact that we don’t have nearly enough missiles. In other words, we lie. Now I ask you, what would Mr. McNamara know about that?

CLEAN STABLES

We must have a stable detergent to clean out the Russians before they clean us out first. We must also be able to clean them out after they’ve cleaned us out first. The alleged scientist Mr. Sagan talked about a nuclear winter, which would plunge us all into sub-freezing temperatures for nine months. Now aside from his clearly faulty arithmetic, everyone knows there can be no winter in a nuclear war. That’s why we’re building down our tactical weapons, replacing them with strategic ones. It’s important to be strategic about this problem.

Another problem with cutting our own arms is that we will be seen as wimps. Armless wimps at that. Further, the minor nuclear powers will then have almost as many warheads as us, and may begin to think of themselves as our equals, and begin to throw their weight around.

That’s why we have to go to the high frontier: the wild, wild up. We must heighten the danger. Anything that reduces the horror of nuclear war increases its probability, since people will be more willing to engage in it. So we must make it as horrible as possible. That is our moral obligation.

Mr. Kissinger talked about these moral obligations, about which he has done a great deal of reading. He assured us we are not contemplating limited war. No indeed. We are talking about controlled unconventional hostilities.

Mr. Kissinger’s other contribution to the program was that we have got to have confidence in ourselves. That is, it’s a confidence game.

Mr. Bush, for his part, pointed out the day after the show after the day after that, “In Europe, where our detergent efforts have been focused, there has been peace since 1945. In the rest of the world, more than 100 wars have taken place.” So as you can see, if we would have had nuclear weapons in the rest of the world there would have been peace there too. That is why the only real guarantee of true peace in the real world is to put a satelly of battleites, perhaps even a battery of satellites, armed with nuclear detergents, completely surrounding the globe and aimed at all potential disorders, incidents, episodes of confusion and locuses of potential social change.

That concludes the discussion on this issue. Thank you for having me here to share your opinions with you.