Author: Dave Lippman

2001

The Squeaker
You know it wasn’t easy stopping that bloody recount. The right to have your vote counted, no matter how mysteriously hanging or dimpled it is, isn’t something you can take away as easily as a common 401K.

And because W won by such a, well, small loss, we needed to unite the country, one United State. Say, Texas. EG, Make the appeals court look like that of Texas. People will tell you that he’s packing the courts with right-wing ideologues. That’s not true. That’s Rove’s job.

We will not enforce the same bureaucratic labor standards put forth by Very Big Labor when we devolve federalized programs back to the people—who we trust. No, we will not force a Hare Krishna soup kitchen to hire Jews. But they must not talk about planning their parenthood at soup kitchens. We know the Chinese are big on planning parenthood. They put abortion advice in fortune cookies. But we will not abort relations with China.  No. We will abort abortionists and community centers that belong to international organizations that know the names of committees that can locate abortionists.

If through our moral action women lose access to contraception or family planning advice, they should have been Americans. With money. Then they could have gotten, well, a tax cut. But believe me, we understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child. And we don’t want bureaucracy to come between that bondage. That  would be kinky. The American family is important, even out there in non-America.  Families is where wings take dream.

But we are going to give services back to the communities, to their churches, where you get two for one: Bible study free with every  fill-up.  And that is efficient, and bureaucracy can never be that efficient. And anyway, God created governments to create problems, not to solve them.  That’s asking too much. And violating God’s will. And mine.

The TIA 
The Total Information Awareness program, is being threatened with cancellation it if it doesn’t conform to the extreme demands of the, well, the constitution. You know how TIA works? No. There you see? It works. Actually, it’s just TIVO in reverse.  Instead of you telling us what to watch, we tell you to watch it. We shouldn’t have said “watch what you say”—We’re going to watch what you say.

It’s headed up by John Poindexter, who knows from experience that the only way to find terrorists is to go right out there and fund them. The purpose of the program is to gather all the information in one place. You see, a little knowledge is a gangrenous thing, and I’m trying to protect you. And me. From you.

But we now have the knowledge of who brought the twin towers down. International affairs scholar Jerry Fallwell has concluded that the pagans and the abortionists and the feminists and the gays and the lesbians made September 11 possible. Of course, science is just a theory.

What about turning social services over to non-faith based groups? O ye of little faith, you better look to some higher power, and there is a higher power, and it is not the federal government. Not even the state of Texas. No, it’s John Ashcroft. John hates intolerance. But he tolerates Unitarians, even those who intolerate him, and he will be fair to gay Unitarian Jews.

And we’re going to do education.  That is my first priority, right after faith-based tax cuts and the war on Chad. Colombia. For Colombia. For drugs, for a drug-free Colombia. Is our children learning this? They will be. We’re going to have the best educated American people in the world.  And they’re going to grow up and have basic American rights, like the right to invest their Social Security. Some people want the federal government controlling it like it’s some kind of federal program, some federal cufflink. Seniors not only don’t want to get into the market and gamble with their own little futures, they don’t want to take the chance to win big for their grandchildren. What’s more girlie senior than failure to gamble on your grandchildren’s future?

I want to thank you for accepting my invitation to have me speak here.  It’s truly great to be here, and of course, everywhere.

You like my tie?  It’s a Kathie Lee.  Only cost 59 cents—to make. Well, as Marge Simpson says, who can afford to shop at a store that has a philosophy? I can.

And I want to welcome you to the topsy-turvy, fun-filled, greenbacked world of electoral politics. Your frustration with the two-party system is understandable, given your lack of understanding.  People have been getting more educated about this system, which has naturally prompted us to introduce further cuts in the education budget.  But the main thing that you need to grasp is that each of the two parties holds both views on the issues, so you really can’t lose.  Can’t win either, of course, but that’s not the point, is it—I mean, for you?

If there are 500 companies in the Fortune 500, and 535 representatives in the US Congress,
who do the extra 35 people represent? 

I suppose you’re all big “Justice for Janitors” fans here.  Well, I’m sympathetic, what with the immigrants taking their jobs from them.  I mean, I wanted that job too, you know.  Seven dollars an hour, that’s way above McDonalds, which is a foreign name, by the way.  The Scots. They send their surplus kilt-wearing bagpipe-screeching tired and poor over here—they don’t even speak English, really.

We have here a very complex economic trade issue, and as you can see, the most equitable and logical solution to this is a wall.

About this time you’re probably wondering, how does he know…so much? Well, I know a great many things. Some of them are true, and it’s such a pleasure to be sharing some of the others with you as we go along. But there are things I still don’t know: How did OUR oil get under Kuwait? How did our great Southwest get under Mexico’s great northeast? If there are 500 companies in the Fortune 500, and 535 representatives in the US Congress, who do the extra 35 people represent?

But we do have a pluralistic system here, in this diverse nation.  We have, for example, different genders.  Different age groups; even, you might say, different, ah, income levels.  And it’s very important that we protect our multicultural society from foreigners.

But it’s a great country and we have free speech. I may not agree with what you say, but I will defend your death if you say it.  And even though many of you suffer from an apathy deficiency and have been seen in public Not Shopping, you are certainly welcome in our political system.  I mean, in what other country could a rock and roll noise band called Rage Against the Machine, led by a goddamn son of a….Mau Mau, I kid you not—appear on Saturday Night Live with guest host Steve Forbes?  It’s true they were censored—for hanging the flag upside down, implying, I assumed, that SNL is in distress!  But no, it turns out actually they were saying that they inverted the flag, and I quote, because “American democracy is inverted when what passes for democracy is an electoral choice between two representatives of the privileged class.”  And in this great country they were free to say that!  Off air, of course.

But let’s get back to the viable part of the spectrum and talk a bit about the mainstream candidates.  Bob Dole has been doing a good job of explaining that crime is caused by welfare—though he was contradicted in public by a family violence center worker, at a forum at a west side Chicago school named after Antonin Dvorak—a foreigner!  Can you imagine the ribbing those kids take:  “What school do you go to?” Dvorak.  They couldn’t call it something American, like Beethoven, no!

Under Clinton, there’ll be no praying in the schools except by the lesbian priests.

Clinton has come out with a bold new plan to solve crime in the streets by requiring all teenagers to be at home by 8pm.  He was going to propose lights out, IN BED by 8, but he was blocked by some of the Leftistovers he keeps around, those Eleanor Roosevelt types, the PC squad, the feminazis—and let me tell you, that’s not the kind of nazis we want running things in Washington!  Anyway, this curfew may seem extreme, but sometimes you have to martial the law.  I mean, I’m all for the bill of rights, but I’m not a bigot about it.

So the Ultra-Left is in power now. Condoms advertised on TV, affairs with adopted daughters. And from now on, when we adopt, we’ll have to give equal opportunity to gay babies. And then have gay affairs with them. Coddling Haitians, forced abortions. No praying in the schools except by the lesbian priests.

Now, there are those who will say that curfews are an intrusion by Big Government.  I don’t buy it. It’s not a social service, after all.  And it won’t require new taxes.  I’ll tell you what big government is:  Roosevelt.  Government always gets big at the expense of the people.  And not just any people, but people who try to do things without being regulated to death.  Enterprising people.  People freely enterprising.  Business people.  People who invest their money, and yours, to build a future free from big government’s intrusions on their freedom from over-regulation.

Government should get out of the way and let the markup of the magicplace do its work.  If you’re worried about jobs, let the market create full employment:  A hamburger flipper in every hand, with extra fries for the liberal arts graduates.  Worried about the environment?  Let the market do its job, and there’ll be nothing to worry about.

Also, the GOP is right that Clinton’s not right but just appearing to be moving to the right.  He doesn’t have the right stuff.  This curfew is actually a moderate liberal proposal.  After all, adults aren’t included.  And you know, it’s not like he’s proposing to put all these kids in jail for the night.  They just can’t have any fun, that’s all.  Jail comes later, for most kids.  That is, if the children’s march doesn’t guilt trip Congress into diverting prison funding to those welfare queens driving their Cadillac to pick up their two heart transplants (one of which was yours, by the way).  And this AFDC, the Aid to Feminists with Delinquent Children—this so-called children’s march is a thinly veiled attack on Republicans: they are accusing Republicans of being a thinly-veiled attack on children.

It’s true that cuts in Head Start and welfare will hurt children.  But, as the Republicans have pointed out, it’s better to hurt now than have to pay later for the overspending of their parents.  Imagine the guilt at being overspent for, coupled with the anger at having to pay for it. Welfare reform has worked very well, I think. We’ve redirected people off welfare and over to the Food Pantry.

In conclusion, business and religion have a lot in common, as explained in two new books on Jesus and Business: “The Management Methods of Jesus” and “Jesus: CEO”. Now on the one hand, in the past year the poor got poorer and the CEOs’ income went up 23%.  On the other hand, Jesus was here to accomplish a task.  And I think the religious are always right, except when they’re left.  You know why Jesus kicked the money changers out of the temple?  To provide better job security by cutting the fat. I should know: I moonlight as a CPA, on staff at the Committee to Profit Anywhere.

⇑

From 1996-2001 Shrub was on assignment in None-a-yo-Bizness-Stan. Meanwhile, his non-evil non-twin Dave Lippman was in grad school and then having his one year of having a job. Then Dubya was selected and Shrub swang back into the public view. So briefed, now on to your next assignment, should you choose to subject yourself. As one of his subjects.

February 12, 1994
Unemployment figures are down again this month, due to the fact that people have finally given up looking for work.

Network executives are vying to purchase the rights to the Bobbitt story, but it is unclear what will be shown in the uncut version.

Independent Taxpayer-Dollar Waster Lawrence Walsh has issued his final report on the Iran-Contra mishap, concluding that it is difficult to know what President Reagan did not know and when he first did not know it. Walsh charges that there was a cover-up, although, as Oliver North explained at the time, “I may have misled you, Senators, but I misled you in good faith.” The report charges that key figures changed their stories about what they didn’t know, but distinguished foreign policy scholar Elliot Abrams countered, “I never said I had no idea about most of things you said I said I had no idea about.”

The CIA has concluded that the Chiapanite terrorist campaign in Mexico is not the result of Guacamolean guerrilla imperialism, as had been claimed by the Mexican government. The Agency says it is now believed to be a case of internal aggression. The rebels are, however, clearly well-heeled, since “Zapatista” translates as “one with shoes.” The guerrillas appear to believe that violence can bring about change, but the government has explained that violence only works for keeping things the same. It also appears that most Chiapans support the government, as statistics from the last election show more residents of the state voted for President Salinas than there are registered voters.

January 18, 1994
Shrub: Very sorry to be late. We had some technical difficulties. The heater was out of order in the swimming pool in my car.

Q: Mr. Shrub, isn’t that a bit of an extravagance?
A: Yeah, well, it was either that or feed Somalia and I figured hey, live a little! I’ll be happy to take your questions and offer you some sound bites, not to insult your intelligence, but just to, perhaps, dumb it down a bit. Yes, the gentleman from my—from the network.

Q: Do you have a statement to make on welfare reform?
A: I don’t believe in government handouts. Well, not to the poor.

Q: How about the health care crisis?
A: Yes, there’s been a great deal of suffering from the recent epidemic, but we feel we’ve turned a corner and have Vietnam Syndrome on the run.

Q: How about a single-payer health care system?
A: Well, granted, the Canadian system provides equal care for all, billed to the government, but to do that here would cost $500 billion. Nobody has that kind of money these days, aside from the health insurance industry. But you have to hand it to Bill, he’s really dealing with those companies, really giving them the business.

Q: Is it true that the Soviet Union used to mandate universal health coverage?
A: Yes, but they’re free now. They’re free to pay for health care of their own choosing, and if they can’t afford it, they’re free to leave, to go to a country where the inability to pay for health care is a long-cherished tradition.

Q: How do you feel about a convicted felon running for the Senate?
A: That’s unconstitutional.

Q: How about 0llie North?
A:  Look, I don’t believe in violating the constitution, but I’m not a bigot about it. Sometimes you have to destroy the constitution in order to save it.

Q: With the end of the Cold War, will we see a lessening of foreign intervention by our forces?
A: We don’t intervene. We just help our friends to defend the governments we gave them. In fact, we’re opposed to intervention. Especially government intervention in the free market. Except for cutting edge industries, high technology research and development—that is, the Pentagon. But other countries must not do that, because it was our idea and it’s copyright.

Q: Some would call that imperialism.
A: Rubbish. These are single-crop, wholly owned oligarchies. That’s not imperialism. In fact, it’s the highest stage of capitalism.

Q: Some former Soviet citizens are complaining that they’re entering the capitalist world market at the bottom of the food chain, so to speak.
A: The Russians are proud to wave their new McDonald’s flag. It’s true they have to start out like Mexico, but they will climb the ladder until they’re like us: giving jobs to Mexico. That’s the markup of the magic place.

Q: What about the charge that there are hidden costs to our system not recognized in the usual statistics?
A: Well, our system does casualize, collaterally, through malnutrition, homelessness, etc. , some 40-80 million people annually, including large numbers who are neither terrorists nor drug lords. But that’s not our invention. It’s always been that way, from the days of the Roman Empire, through the Ottoman and British empires, right down to the American example of freedom today. We’ve come a long way. We have a pluralist system—some would say two-faced. I myself am of two minds about this. That’s why I speak with a forked tongue.

Q: You mention homelessness. Is enough being done about this problem?
A: You know, we used to be number one in housing in the world. Well, in automobile fan housing. But this a problem I prefer to have created rather than to dwell on. Why dwell on people who don’t even dwell?

Q: It’s been pointed out that a large number of the homeless are racial minorities.
A: Come on, give us a break. There may be racism in the media, among the police, in the government and in some sectors of the populace, but at least it’s not institutionalized in society.

Q: Aren’t you just blaming the victim?
A: Hey look, you have to be carefully taught to hate, and I’m here to serve. That’s all for today, folks. Until we meet again, be good. One of us has to.

November 15, 1993
Here In this country we’re lucky to have a wide-open democratic system where the various parties and candidates compete freely, and vigorously debate the best way to make it appear that we have a wide-open democratic system in which the various parties and candidates compete freely.

As a result, things occasionally come out. Now it comes out that the Reagan and Bush administrations, in regards to the alleged participation of the Salvadoran military in the putative death squad activities, were economical with the truth. They withheld information—that is, they disassembled. That’s a post-modern term indicating there isn’t any one particular precise truth, but rather, many perspectives. Well, our perspective was that we had to work with Mr. D’Aubuisson, to be a moderating influence on him, and as we now see, he has in fact curtailed his death squad activities quite a bit. In fact, he is no longer living.

But we have—or rather they have—a democracy down there, and if they get fed up enough with those death squads then they can replace them with other ones, perhaps more modern, or post-modern ones. As John Foster Dulles said to Ike, “the Russians are appealing to the poor people of the earth, who have always wanted to plunder the rich.” Think about it. But not too much.

Q: Isn’t fast track just negotiating a way to slip legislation by without Congress having a say in it?
A: Don’t ask, don’t pursue.

Q: Won’t the agreement send our jobs to Mexico?
A: Careful or I’ll downsize ya! Look, the alternative is to have immigrants coming here and taking our jobs. That is, taking our Mexicans’ jobs. So instead, we’re going to make all Mexicans ours. Incidentally, you can get more information on this from the Internet computer conference called annex.mex.

Q: Won’t this agreement end up worsening class divisions?
A: We don’t really have those class divisions anymore. These days everyone has a full shopping cart. In fact, some people put everything they own in it.

Q: Senator Gephardt has pointed out that this country’s greatness was not built on cheap labor.
A: That shows what he knows!

Q: But why is big business lined up solidly behind NAFTA?
A: We’re all in this together. You know what they say: companies love misery.

June, 1993
I know it’s been hard on you all during the Enemies Gap, what with me not knowing who to tell you to hate. Normally, I can get you used to hating the new Enemy Designate in about six months—eight or ten if you don’t have TV. But times are hard, and we’ve been forced to recycle some old enemies—Saddam, for example. Meanwhile, we’ve still got the old domestic standby, Political Correctness. I don’t know if you ever noticed that PC is just CP spelled backwards. We’ve been learning about recycling, you see. We’re not wasting any taxpayer letters here.

PC starts in the university, which they try to turn into a DI-versity. They try to make you conform, which is fine, but they want you to conform to nonconformism, which doesn’t make any sense to me. Then it trickles down into the lower grades. I know about this, because I do a little pro Bono work at my presentations; I have them bring the children backstage and I share my point of view with them, so they won’t need their own.

Well, one evening last week I was talking to this little girl—no, can’t say that—differently heighted pre-woman, about these problems, and we were just stepping out the door when we tripped over this homeless—sorry, residentially challenged fellow and—you see? It’s getting so you can’t say anything anymore without being challenged, which is all right for you, but I’ve got a job to do!

And the feminazis are jumping all over Bob Packwood. Let’s be fair, the guy has an ethical disability, and you just don’t make fun of the differently ethicized. Give the guy a break. He told me he’s found God and she’s a woman, and he kissed her on the mouth.