You may have heard that some of the information that was proffered wasn’t….information.
Mr. Tony Blair has visited the United States and told Congress that history will say we did the right thing in Iraq whether we were right or wrong. He did not say that history is written by the winners, because he is a stickler for detail and that is very hard to prove in this case. In return for his support in the face of world-wide slight doubt over the yellow-cake affair, Mr. Blair will be given two British citizens who have been held in Communicado, a prison camp in the U.S. sector of Cuba. President Bush declared that the two were “bad people,” but under British law apparently they will have a trial first. Mr. Blair was to have been given a Congressional Medal of Honor, but in light of questions over whether soldiers were sent to their deaths under false pretenses, it turned out the medal had not yet been cast.
Bush and Blair stood shoulder to shoulder, faced the facts and stared them down. Now there’s a new constitution in Iraq, and everybody is happy with it, except Sunnis, women, and some regular people. People were certainly free to vote against it, and for more war.
In any case, it was only one bit of intelligence among many—most of which, I grant you, had already been disproved by the UN arms inspectors. This, incidentally, is why they left. As you will recall (but not the President), the inspectors left voluntarily, after Saddam refused to let them in. Which is why we went to war there. And also to spread our British and American values, which are really universal values, and should be everywhere, but aren’t. Yet. So it was those values, not the value of oil, that justified our rescue of the world from this dictator. The days of Iraq acting as a rogue state are over; it’s our turn now.
The Nigerian uranium purchase info was the only bit we had that hadn’t been challenged by anyone, except of course the CIA. So the President used it. As Ronald Reagan’s press secretary once explained, “He may have got the facts a little wrong, but he told it rather well.” So maybe it wasn’t Nigeranium. Maybe it was from Sudan. More likely Pharmaceutistan. But when you add it to the aluminum tubes, which were specially designed for some very special purpose that we have an instinct was totally tubular, if not nuclear, you get quite an instinctive case that Saddam was probably up to something. Unlike North Korea. So we had to go get him, because the inspectors were French. Or at least Swedish.
By the way, we have also heard on the internet that Saddam bought those tubes as a gift for Osama, to use for transporting chemical weapons to America. Luckily, the President made the difficult, dangerous, manly landing on the aircraft carrier, which made terrorists everywhere quake in their sandals. By which I don’t mean to say that all terrorists wear sandals. It’s a figure of speech. I’m just saying that all terrorists are Muslims, that’s all.
Now about all the other WMDs: They are almost certainly being hidden in the Gulf of Tonkin. We didn’t tell the inspectors that; it would only confuse them. Or cause them to confuse Iraq with Vietnam. In any case, the Pentagon knows more about WMDs than the UN. And so does W. Who do you think put the W in WMD?
The economy of scale is a wonderful thing, especially when combined with the theology of sale.
It’s well known that Saddam was developing WMDs as far back as 1991, and as late as 1993. If we had let them continue, or resume, or consume, or retinue, it would have been a greater danger than Grenada. Don’t forget, the Cubans were building an airport in Grenada. And we all know what Cubans use airports for: to invade Africa. And nobody loves Africa more than President Bush.
So we had to go into Grenada, and Iraq. Because Saddam amassed these weapons, and massacred his own people. And he had the audacity to do this during the administration of Ronald Reagan and George Bush. He took advantage of the fact that they were looking the other way because they were very busy helping him to do that, which they had to do because at that time there was a singular situation, which was that Iran was bad. So we had to help Iraq.
Today, Iran is bad again, which is why we are helping Iraq again. As we will help to regime-change any human rights violators who we find out about. We have not found out about the Uzbek or Columbian governments yet, but they better watch it. Sometimes friends have a way of turning into opportunities.
And now, a free Iraq will influence other states in the region who may be thinking about backing terrorism, as Iraq may have been, to not. Or they can just set a good example as to what happens when you maybe do think about that. Or when we sayyou maybe did.
We need to take a few more polls to inform you of what you think.
And they have a brand new democratically-appointed governing council, supervised by the democratic coalition occupation, led by 147,000 democratically-volunteered soldiers equipped with universal values. Some Iraqis have said the council isn’t democratic. But they will learn quickly that it is, and then it will be. And the silent majority of Iraqis support our support of them. And it’s not just us in there; actually there are troops there from 19 countries, and we are going to get more—all the Maldives, or at least a majority of them.
So the weapons haven’t been found. But we weren’t deceptionizing, and certainly not exaggerating. It’s a matter of emphasis. We had good evidence, which we got from Ahmed Chalabi’s group, which we fund.
Regardless, 28% of Americans believe that Iran has WMDs, and 36% believe that Syria has them. Taken together, that means that 64% believe somebody’s got them, so we’re going to invade both of them. One at a time, of course.
We would never have had to resort to weapons of mass distraction if Saddam hadn’t hidden his weapons of mass destruction. As a result of the confusion over why exactly we saved the world in Iraq, the American people are now confused about whether they should be agreeing with us. So we need to take a few more polls to inform you of what you think.
Our homeland security has been threatened by people trying to take away the free speech right of Fox to own 45% of the air waves. Most people don’t know how bad this is. The Congress is trying to undercut the FCC, who are tasked to manage the public’s air waves, which is to say, to protect Clear Channel’s efficient use of them. The economy of scale is a wonderful thing, especially when combined with the theology of sale.
July 18, 2003 Some folks who listen to the BBC pronounce it Nie-zhare, but that’s because the British are French. This is why they fed us that dumb intelligence that CIA Director Tenet fell for after we instructed him to. The facts weren’t wrong; they were just
British. Or French. Which is why we took it out of one of the President’s speeches. But then we had to put it somewhere, so we put it in the State of the Union. It didn’t seem like it would bother anybody over there. You don’t go looking for accuracy there—it’s more of a general “feeling of the state of things” thing.
People say it was uncorroborated, fabricated information. Now why would we want to corroborate fabricated information? That would deceptionistic. We didn’t want to do that.
Cheney sent Joseph Wilson over to Africa, which is where Niger is kept, to investigate the story, back in February of ’02. He failed to verify that it could be verified. But the British were moving ahead on it; Tony Blair had several projects that were in support of our values and our efforts to build a coalition of the willing to be bought, and he had intelligence projects, and he had to maintain his alliance with the indispensable nation, which is us, while continuing with his Europe project, and no one’s sure now Which Blair Project will win out. Because Europe wants to challenge us, and spend their euros on oil from Iraq, which of course they can’t do because the Iraqis now have freedom, which is to say, the dollar.
July 6, 2003 Your friends at the Pentagon are developing an urban surveillance system that can keep track of you better. You, being people in foreign countries that are not the United States. This week.
The system was originally dubbed Broaden Identification Globally By Reaching Out, or BIG BRO, but it was renamed “Combat Zones That See,” because it’s so catchy. The new technology can record and analyze all of a person’s daily events, but will not lead to spying. If you haven’t said, seen, heard, read, or touched anything, basically you have nothing to worry about. It cannot be used for homeland security without extensive modifications, such as changing the color code alert status. (The system should not be confused with the T3 version, “Skynet,” which is instituted by an electronic dictator who rules in the future.)
The U.S. has suspended military assistance to 35 countries that have refused to protect American soldiers from prosecution by the International Criminal Court. The government is afraid the court could be used to try Americans for serving in those countries. Such prosecutions would be political, as they would be brought by professional America-haters—that is, people who don’t want Americans serving in their country.
Italy has assumed the rotating presidency of the European Union with a blistering defense of Italian Premier Berlusconi’s fitness to lead the Union. Berlusconi is not on trial for corruption in connection with the Italian media, which he owns, because he is immune from prosecution, thanks to a ruling by his government, which he owns. Berlusconi wrote in the daily Il Foglio, which he owns, “Nobody can teach morality lessons to the government elected by the Italian people, whom I own.” Reminded by a foreign reporter, whom he did not own, that Allied forces had once taught morality lessons to a previous elected Italian government, the Premier claimed immunity from that reminder. The Premier, who is being persecuted for speaking his mind, has previously explained that Western Civilization is superior to Islam and that Finns don’t know what prosciutto is.
The White House is mulling over a request by the UN to send troops to Liberia to help calm the civil war raging there. “We don’t go around sending troops just anywhere because they ask us to,” says a highly-placed source. “If they ask us not to, then of course we would be happy to go.” The administration is known to feel that it is too busy maintaining instability elsewhere to get involved in police actions where its forces are clearly wanted. “Being wanted leads to being charged,” said the source, “and being charged leads to be gored. Anyway,” he concluded, “we’re bushed.”
The army of Indonesia plans to set up vigilante groups to help maintain disorder in the rebel province of Aceh, which no one can pronounce and which is therefore boring, especially since the Indonesian military has only some of your tax dollars.
In keeping with the pullback of troops under the U.S.-provided road map for peace, Israel is building a wall around Bethlehem. The town is the first to be offered its own wall; residents of other towns will have to be satisfied with sharing the wall around the whole West Bank with other underprivileged towns. Terrorists denounced the wall, and were shot. Except for those whose denunciations were made in the foreign press, who were sent back to France.
Speaking of France, terrorist unions of performing artists went on strike against the curtailment of their unemployment plan, which covers periods of inactivity between their film and theater projects. According to investigative reports, an entire puppet troupe took advantage of this system to take a show about AIDS to Africa, instead of looking for a job. The White House has dismissed rumors it will call for regime change, saying that the U.S. has no strategic interests in the theater of Old Europe.
Former President Bill Clinton has denounced FCC moves to allow further monopolization of the media. In a column written for the New York Daily News, his apology for signing the 1996 Communications Act, which paved the way for the 2003 deregulation, was implied.
You can’t put a price on life. But it’s pretty cheap.
Saddam is a dictator, unlike the Pak-man. He’s repressing his own people, unlike Indonesia. He’s clamped down on dissent, unlike Saudi Arabia. He’s running an outlaw regime in violation of UN security council resolutions, developing weapons of mass destruction, and threatening peace and stability in the region, unlike Israel. He’s building weapons of mass destruction, so we’re going to hit him with 400 missiles a day. He may place civilians directly in the path of our peacemakers. We don’t take that lightly—you can’t put a price on life. But it’s pretty cheap.
Polls show that 41% of Americans believe that weapons of mass destruction have been found already, and 31% believe they were used. 25% believe that people who do not believe they were used are about to use them themselves, and should be locked up.
We want to get Iraq to use their oil wealth for the benefit of their people. They can’t be spending all their money on the military—that’s our job.
The suggestion has been made that if all we want is oil, we could just bomb Texas. We’re not going to bomb Texas. Texas is practically part of our own country. No, we’re going to cut our dependence on foreign oil, by pushing for more drilling and exploration right here in Mexico. Anyway, our Iraq campaign isn’t about getting oil. It’s about keeping it from others. Others are the problem. They are in the way of peace. Real peace is not just the absence of war; real peace can only be achieved when there is just us. And there are still other people out there. Sitting on our piece.
The new tape dropped by bin Laden, on CIA Records and Tapes, confirms the Evil One’s close links with Saddam. Osama declared openly that if the U.S. attempts to rescue Iraq from its dictator, Arabs should defend him, even though he’s a socialist infidel. This proves they are working together and always have been, or at least always will be. As I have imputed, Iraq has trained al Qaeda in document forgery and bomb making. Our job, clearly. Furthermore, we have found the smoking gun that shows Saddam is hiding his weapons of mass anti-Westernism: he has two missiles that will go 17 miles farther than allowed. A clearer case for Shock and Awe I’ve never seen.
The North Koreaks, meanwhile, have nuclear weapons, so we’re going to disarm them, but nicely. They are threatening our friends and neighbors, the South Koreanese, who don’t understand the threat. So we will take time to explain it to them, as we have explained to Turkey and other countries the need for us to defend them against Iraq. These explanations will not come cheap, but we feel that the American people already have enough health care, and way too much education.
We don’t have troops all over the Meddle East. We have only one land-based aircraft carrier over there, that’s Israel. People accuse us of wanting to rule the world. Well, we do own it. Some of the countries we bought fair and square. Others, we’re just borrowing.
A little knowledge is a gangrenous thing.
Oil, as Dr. Kissinger pointed out, is too important to be left to the Arabs. Some would say that human life is too important to be left to the Americans. People actually say this! And I actually have their emails and library records. I’ve collected them for TIA, the Total Information Awareness project, which is run by John Poindexter (who understands that the only way to know where the terrorists are is to go out and fund them). We need total information because a little knowledge is a gangrenous thing, and I’m trying to protect you. And me. From you.
Those who do not understand their history will have the opportunity to repeat it.
So we will gather all the information and keep it safe. After all, those who do not understand their history will have the opportunity to repeat it. This is part of the Home Front of the War on Their Terrorists. It’s called Operation Undoing Freedom. Unfortunately, we had to destroy the Bill of Rights in order to save it. But these things happen in wartime. And you’ve really lost very few freedoms—just the first, fourth, fifth and sixth amendments, I think. You can count them on one hand.
Following the massacre at Haditha (November 05) the army is going to offer ethics courses so that soldiers can learn to distinguish when a massacre is unethical.
We’ve also been accused of using the Iraq Rescue as a weapon of mass distraction from the flailing economy at home, the unkindest tax cuts of all, the spread of social diseases like Enronitis, and other bumps on the road to the dismantling of Bad Government and the enmantling of Good Business. But it’s common practice when one’s popularity is flagging to put out more flags. And when the economy tanks, you have to get with your think tanks, think about tanks, and gas up for conquest.
These complainers are all out there carrying their children around on bicycles! If you leave your SUV in the garage, that means the terrorists have already won. So take it out, run over a bicycle, and pray. Because the Lord is a vengeful God; He’s high-octane. And anyway, who can really know who Jesus would bomb?
Saddam Hussein has a million-man army—OK, it’s only 500,000, counting the 11-year-olds, but you know, the Sandinites had a million-man army too for a couple of weeks, until I remembered there were only 3 million people in the country, but anyway, I enjoy filling you in on these things because you tend to believe them. Some of them. Some of you.
Iraq has long since positioned itself on top of the Rumaila oil fields—that is to say, they are in Iraq. Except for two little fingers of it that stick out into Kuwait, just across the line that is there—that is, the line in the sand. Now a certain corporation has been taking some oil out of those two fingers, a corporation called Kuwait. And Saddam doesn’t understand that this is how pirate enterprise works.
Now about the celebrated Glaspie incident: Just prior to the August 2 invasion of Kuwait by Saddam, our ambassador to Iraq, April Glaspie, did tell Saddam that this border dispute was an Arab-Arab matter that the U.S. had no interest in. And Undersecretary of Defense John Kelly said the same thing to Congress, and Margaret Tutweiler passed it to the press. Saddam misunderstood that signal: we have no interest in it, but there is still the principle. Someone had to mediate that dispute, someone objective, and we have an objective there, so it fell to us. Because we are a kinder, gentler world police.
All these so-called signals followed an international meeting at the White House in April 1990 at which it was decided to go for disarmament in the Meddle East, that is, to disarm the powers there, that is, the other powers, that is, not ours. We felt that it was superfluous for there to be more than one power in a New World Order.
Of course you can only have disarmament after a war, and we couldn’t very well start a war, that would be New World Disorderly, so we passed to the Iraqis the option of starting a war with us. You may recall a poll that was taken sometime before January 16, in which a plurality of the American people expressed the belief that if war did start with Iraq and if the U.S. started it, the government would doctor up a spin on the situation.
So the new Hitler was on his way to take Saudi Arabia. He didn’t know that at the time, but I did. And then, of course, you did. Later it turned out he wasn’t, but it was a bit too much later.
And so we succeeded in getting Saddam into Kuwait, and once he realized that he’d been took, or taken in there, he decided to dig himself an underground shelter and wait us out. Or wait us in.
And why is it so important to put the Sabah family back into the palace in Kuwait City? It’s a question of jobs. And dollars. The emir and his relations do have just a few hundred billion dollars in our Western banks, and they’ve been sort of keeping us afloat in that sense, and I think we ought to return the favor.
Above and beyond all these other reasons for us to be there, the most important is to destroy Iraq’s military-industrial complex, because we are opposed to military-industrial proliferation. This is all going to come out later, so you might as well pay attention now. There is a document called “Iraqi Power and U.S. Security in the Middle East” which says basically that Iraq has become, through its very notable ability to learn from experiences, the foremost mechanized warfare machine in the world today. Now that disturbs the balance of power, especially ours. We need to take them down a peg so somebody else can get a chance to be the best, so we can take them down a peg.
And the Congress knows all this, but they also know that you don’t know it, and therefore they’re just going to let George do it.
Contrary to my instructions, there have been demonstrations around the world in favor of Appeasement and Waiting. Many tens of people have been duped into attending these get-togethers, which consist of a bunch of people locating themselves in public while, we must note, not shopping. They need to stop speculating about civilian collateralization; now is the time to support our troops. Not later, when they invent exotic diseases and come to us whining and gold-digging. There may or may not be such a thing as Gulf War Syndrome, but there is still Vietnam Syndrome, and we are going to whip it. Whip it Good. There comes a time when you have to get behind your troops and your commander. I’ve said it before: You’re either with us, or you’re with the UN.
Some people have a military-industrial complex, and they can kiss my arsenal. Get over it: There’s been a great heartening of the armories, and the size of our missiles is nothing to be ashamed of. We are a proud nation. Some say we’re arrogant, hypocritical, self-absorbed, self-indulgent, and contemptuous of others. Now, who says that? Others.
Of course, I don’t hate others. But I find them superfluous. And inscrutable. When I scrut someone, I expect them to stay scrot. And that’s what’s going to happen to Old Europe if they don’t get New. The unilateral activities of the green and yellow-tinged Franco-German government are nearly as irrelevant as the UN. The French have a lot of Gaul, ganging up with Krauts to defend towel-heads. They’re a bunch of cheese-eating surrender-monkeys, consorting with the waffling Belgians.
We’re leading the world against terrorism. They’re not following, but we’re leading. We are called upon to defend the hope of all mankind. But we’d rather bomb Iraq. The course of this nation does not depend on the decisions of others. The very existence of others is a challenge to us to make their decisions for them. It’ll be a just war, and a faith-based war. Trust me.
We’re going to work with the really important nations, like Slovenia, Slovakia and Bulgaria, and other nations ending in –ia. They will help us find Osama in Iraq. Or if not in Iraq, perhaps in Afghanistan, Sudan, Iran, Pharmaceutistan, Syria, Iria, Illyria, or some other country ending in-a, -an, or –aq.
We have lots of support. Turkey supports us, except for its people. The entire nation of Berlusconi is behind us. And at home, people are buying duct tape in an excited orgy of instruction-following. They are finding out it has many uses besides stopping terrorism. You can fashion gray ribbons to wear in support of our troops. And you can use it on your neighbor’s mouths if they don’t watch what they say.
Let me close with a reiteration of the color-coded alert system we have provided to simplify your daily regimen of fear intake. The lowest level is green; it’s perfectly safe, you’re free to go shopping. Then comes blue, Guarded Condition. Go shopping, but take a guard. Then yellow, elevated alert—you’re strongly advised to go shopping online. Above this is orange, high risk. You should send a shadow shopper, provided by the Shadow Government. Finally, red alert, extreme risk. Your shopping decisions will be made for you by the Consumer Decision Division of the Department of Homeland Security, billed to your credit card, and delivered to your door when the level goes down to yellow.
In some cases the public will not be informed of changes in alert states. So, do nothing till you hear from me. Remember, if we don’t shop, we drop. Let the terrorists know: This is a non-stop nation of non-stop shoppers. These shoppers don’t run. These colors might, though. Just use this mnemonic: buy or die.
Money may be the root of all evil, but hey, a man needs his roots.
So get out there and be patriotic. Christmas is always just around the corner, especially after January. And that’s why they hate us. They hate us for Christmas, and more generally, for our freedom—our freedom to shop. They hate us for our malls, and that’s why they’re going to attack them. Or so I’ve told you. So be very afraid. But shop a lot, too. And don’t worry about America. The system is resilient; the economy will bounce back. Money may be the root of all evil, but hey, a man needs his roots. And until we can re-tool the military with hydrogen-powered Hummers that get two wars to the gallon, you’re going to have to pitch in. So think about what you can do to help. And while you’re thinking, you’ve just spent another million. Thank you.
It’s good to be afraid. If you’re not afraid, you’re not paying attention. To me. I need for you to be afraid so that you’ll support strong leaders, ok? Democrats aren’t strong. Well, Lieberman is. The rest are gay. Or French.
Veep Cheney is in the Mideast, going to 11 countries, discussing terrorism. But he’s not going to Israel. He’s discussing with people who might have supported terrorism, not with the terrorists themselves.
Enron At Arthur Anderson there was never an order to shred, and the order has been inadvertently destroyed. By friendly fire.
The effort to raise automobile fuel efficiency will face stiff opposition from soccer moms and pickup pops. In other words, being for the environment is anti-family.
What the Race to the Base Meant People accuse us of fomenting a race to the bottom, chasing the cheapest labor. I admit, we’re bottom-feeders, but to be fair, we do feed the bottom. If it wasn’t for us, they wouldn’t be eating. They’d be unionizing. And therefore out of a job.
Sweatshops
Many young men have asked me, What is Victoria’s secret? Well, I’ll tell you. It’s that her clothes are made by young ladies in Malaysia. (That’s Spanish for bad Asia). Of course, sweatshops occupy a place in American history, if not precisely an honored place. But then they were eliminated. Well, that was before they were brought back.
Granted, you’re not a bunch of cattle. Of course not. You’re sheep.
You can criticize sweatshops all you want, but there’s nothing we can do about them, because we don’t own them. We decided not to own our own factories. And we saved a lot of money. And put it all into advertising. Now, you could criticize You’re sheep. advertising. But nobody’s thought of that, according to law. The youth of today have grown up completely surrounded by advertising. Even in the classroom. And yet some of these kids have turned out to be anti-globalizationites. I blame the teachers. And the books. And reality.
Basically, people who are against corporate sponsorship are just mad because they didn’t think of it first. Because they didn’t think of putting logos all over their clothes and going to college and being the first corporate-sponsored college student. It’s a type of a scholarship with scholarship. And you didn’t think of having your wedding sponsored. You’re just jealous.
We’re starting a new company, Non-Commodified Experiences Inc. Some of you don’t want brands all over you. Just tattoos. But we could pay for those tattoos for you. In return for a small underwriting credit. We consider the non-branded sector a niche market. Now granted, you’re not a bunch of cattle. Of course not. You’re sheep.
You know, by wearing Nikes, you may not win the Boston Marathon. But you will become youthful and exuberant and get all the chicks. And you’ll be a revolutionary, fighting against—other brands. In short, you will Just Do It. Some would say we’re shoe fetishists. Which is an update of foot fetishists. But I don’t think so. That shoe doesn’t fit. So you must acquit.
In order to make money, you’ve got to spend money. You’ve got to buy politicians. Where do our profits come from? Well, like the business of America, that’s none of your business.
As for monopolies, first of all, what are the last four letters in that word? Think about it. But not too much. Secondly, the only way you can stand in the way of monopolies is anti-trust legislation, and I think trust is a good thing. I have a lot of trust. Well, I have several.
By the way, this portion of the show has been brought to you by the Bureau for the Underwriting of Trade Talks Outside Unauthorized Tampering, or BUTT OUT. And by Coca-Cola: We’re not THAT kind of coke. Anymore.
The Environment, Such As It Was Logging, mining and development projects have very little appeal. In fact, according to a new law, there will be no appeals of these projects at all. We’re unable to improve the health of the forests because the environmentalists keep trying to get us to do so. This is a clearcut case. But we are sensitive to the feelings of the forest. We are compassionate clearcutters. But we have to get into this process with the determination and grit of a Trojan horse.
Now it’s true that nuclear power plants make a good terrorist target, even though they are of course impregnable. They’re a good target because the enviros have shut so many of them down, they’re now concentrated in a few places. So we are building six new ones, to make it harder for the terrorists to, well, to choose.
Subject. one George Shrub, who bills himself as the “world’s only known singing CIA agent.” While his ties to the intelligence agency are difficult to confirm or deny, he does, in fact, know how to carry a tune.
But where is he carrying it? To paraphrase Churchill. this Shrub is a riddle wrapped in a mystery and clothed in a bad suit.
Reliable sources suggest that the singing act is a ruse, that in reality. “Shrub” is Triangle resident Dave Lippman, an anti-war activist and correspondent for Free Speech Radio News who recently completed a master’s in Communication Studies at UNC-Chapel Hill. These sources say Lippman is a political satirist who uses the alias to critique U.S. foreign policy.
Is this a hell of a cover story or an implausible denial? This much we know: Shrub and Lippman have never been seen in each other’s presence. Shrub, for his part, has been sighted periodically during the last 20 years. popping up at political rallies, coffee shops, and Eirst and Third World hotspots. A singing spy who refuses to come in from the Cold War. be claims to serve in the CIA—the “Committee to Intervene Anywhere—and strums gritty ditties about the people who secretly run the world.
If Shrub has a main message, it’s that being a covert operator ain’t easy. Toppling governments like chess pieces may be all in a day’s work at the CIA, but it sure does give you a bad rap. “I write the songs, not the wrongs,” he wails in one song.
Seeking further intelligence, we interrogated Shrub at an undisclosed location in a remote comer of Weaver Street Market in Carrboro.
The Independent:I love the mystery man shtick, but who are you, really?
George Shrub: Well I know this will sound hackneyed, but If I told you, I’d have to kill you. Of course, that’s strictly off the record. But on a need-to-know basi,. I can reveal that I write the theme songs for far-flung coups, crises and other opportunities for expanding our freedom and piece of the world.
Speaking of coups—have we ever had one in the United States?
No, we stole the last election fair and square. But since Mr. Bush won by such a very small loss, he’ll certainly try to unite the country, primarily through endless war. No, you’ll never see a coup in this country. For one thing. there’s no U.S. embassy here, so where would the coup-plotters hang out?
The White House has promised a series of new military interventions around the world. So what’s on Shrub’s new hit list?
We’re looking at adjusting the governments of Sudan, Iran, Libya, Syria, Iraq, and any other countries that end with -an, -a or -aq.
How about the homefront—any successes to report there?
One bright spot: We’ve made great strides in paying down the Bill of Rights. Unfortunately, we may have to destroy the Constitution in order to save it.
Maybe you can tell me: Was the Pentagon telling the truth when it promised to shut down its recently created Office of Strategic Influence (panned by critics as a “ministry of misinformation”)?
I’m here to tell you that this office has really, really, actually been shut down. Of course, it’s not true. But I am here to tell you that.
Attorney General Ashcroft is reportedly a devout singer of religious and patriotic anthems. Have you collaborated with him?
Yes, we have released several classified singles. However. they are not under our names, so you never really know whether you’re listening to a CIA singer, a Justice Department singer, or just a random pop star who does our bidding by steering clear of political topics. However, you might search for our tunes by title—one is a love song called, “You’re Either With Me or Against Me,” and there’s a nice patriotic tune called “Ballad of the Green Berets on Yellow Alert.
That’s too hot for the hotline! (To paraphrase Joseph heller.) But seriously. many citizens are worried that the Bush administration’s penchant for secrecy is threatening Americans’ access to public information. Are we losing our right to know?
Not to worry, we’re on the case. As we speak, a new shadow government task force, hunkered in a bunker. is drafting a secret directive on the American people’s right not to know. Once it is completed and signed by the president, all copies will be disposed of in a burn bag. The classified ashes will be scattered over the Potomac by a black helicopter on Independence Day, and the public will be permitted a full viewing of the event on the Fox News Network. After all, we’ve got nothing to hide.
UPCOMING SHRUB SIGHTING: Confidential informants (and fliers psted on lamp posts) indicate Shrub will perform at 8 p.m. on Friday, May 10 at the Skylight Exchange, 405 West Rosemary Street in Chapel Hill. For more information about the show, call 933-5500: to view a complete dossier on Shrub, see his website. davelippman.com.
Report filed by Ion Elision File photo by Alex Maness
George Shrub went to Columbia, South Carolina, to stop the rampant labor agitation by supporters of the “Charleston” “5.” Herewith his remarks, declassified:
(Drunken Sailor:) What shall we do with the longshore pickets Can’t let em off with trespass tickets, they Might march again and that’s not cricket Earlye-in the mornin’ Haul them off their ships and barges Haul them up with a snorkel, sergeant Haul them up on criminal charges Earlye-in the mornin’
It’s great to be here, and, of course, everywhere. I’m pleased to be able to take over this rally and share my point of view with you, so that you won’t need your own. As for you being here, that’s all right. I may not agree with your views, but I will defend your death if you say them. But it’s a great honor for you to have me here today, since I know a great many things about labor unions. Some of them are true, and it’s a great pleasure to be here and share some of the others with you.
I know you’re all upset because the police planned a riot before you could get around to it. And you’re upset because the Attorney General of this great state, Mr. Charlie, Charlie Condon, thought of it. Well, I’m here to tell you that Charlie has your best interests at heart, that he would never use innocent, law abiding, peacefully picketing longshoremen as a stepping stone to higher office. Now, it’s not true, but I am here to tell you that.
People indulge in too many luxuries: post-nursery education, post-breakfast meals, and multi-walled dwellings.
Here’s the problem: unions are way out of control in South Carolina. They want to dominate the state. They already control 3.8% of the workers here. People here have been struggling against unions since the civil war—sorry, the War of Northern Aggression. That wasn’t about slavery, that was an anti-union struggle. So that’s a proud heritage, if a somewhat hateful one.
And the problems we have nationally are traceable to the unions: the economic downturn is due to their insatiable demands for such luxuries as post-nursery education, post-breakfast meals, and multi-walled dwellings.
The AFL-CIO says that unionization is the best anti-poverty program ever created. Maybe, but it’s primarily a form of class warfare. In the old days, we had class struggle between workers and management. That’s over, according to law. It’s also technically impossible, since there are today no more workers. We’re all associates now.
This is a right to work state. Not literally; it means the right of more workers to work more, for less. I think we have a good model here for working relations between industry and the community, except of course for the participation of labor. Labor needs to butt out of business, because the business of America is, well, none of your business.
How do you think America got to be a great nation? Through workers’ struggles? I don’t think so. No, it was through patient, methodical work, all of us working together to make things better for all the rich. But instead of working within the system, the Campaign for Workers’ Riots in South Carolina has organized all these groups, community groups (which is unnecessary—we have the Chamber of Commerce to represent the community), and religious groups. But religious groups working with unions, that is simply a failure to excommunicate.
But the unions have another agenda. They don’t want free movement of capital, but they do want free movement of unions. You know what that’ll lead to: a union movement! Charlie has useful advice for union organizers: three words—location, location, location. Or as he puts it, jail, jail and more jail. But Charlie’s a good man, a kind man. Well, he’s kind of a good man. Anyway, he’s a good man of his kind.
But you can’t always be good; sometimes you have to be tough. You have to be tough on crime, but in a compassionate way. You have to have compassionate cops. Ones that don’t discriminate. It’s true that one of the cops ran out of formation and clubbed Ken Riley on the head. Well, he had to—Riley wouldn’t put his head near the formation. But we’re working on this problem. We’ve already tightened up the list of reasons why a cop can stop someone on suspicion. There are only three now: Unusual Nervousness While Black, Changing Direction While Black, and the most disturbing of all erratic behaviors, Picketing While Black.
And now they’re complaining that if these picketers are convicted based on being identified through photos, by just having been there, that the next time there’s a conflict, workers will be reluctant to picket. You know, I hadn’t thought of that. You could build a whole strategy around that. I must talk to my friends at the Federal Bureau of Intimidation about that.
Some say the Attorney General is just trying to make a name for himself. For instance, South Carolina AFL-CIO President Donna Dewitt says that. A girl president, that’s great. Now, I didn’t come here to slight the women—of course I will do that—but what’s more important is the slight chance that the unions will gain an adherent or two.
Charlie has urged the passage of a bill to ensure that the right-to-work foundation of our pro-business climate is never again compromised by union politics. This is the international standard: free trade. And what is the business climate? Global warming, of course. NAFTA has proven to be very good for both Mexico and the US, especially for the working people, insofar as it frees them from work. In fact, there’s a new statistic out on the supporters of free trade. It turns out there’s one born every minute.
Thank you and God bless you each and every one. But separately, not together.
When I hear the word culture, I pull out my cluster bombs.
I am widely known as the world’s only singing CIA agent; however, many things that are widely known are not precisely, shall we say, true, as many people unfortunately are aware, and isn’t it unfortunate when people are aware? I am in fact .merely the world’s only known singing CIA agent. There are many others about whom you might have doubts. For example, probably one of the favorite singers of weekend America listeners, I’m guessing Britney here—you don’t know who she really works for, do you? And then Janet—of course attempts have been made to blow her cover, but you don’t really know, do you?
One thing many Americans do know all too well is that the CIA is not supposed to assassinate people or even their characters here in the United States. That activity is reserved to other agencies, while we at the Company carry on abroad. That’s why in the matter of American culture it’s been necessary to delegate. So for example you have the problem of the culture of unions, the culture of working together against imagined enemies such as employers and other benefactors of labor. So when it was necessary to educate the American people about the perfection of the free enterprise system, we left that to the National Association of Manufacturers, who subcontracted it out to Hill and Knowlton and some of the other agencies which had an advantage over us in the 1920s and ‘40s in that they, well, existed.
Culture is very much like agriculture, in that it’s more efficient if a few people own it.
More recently we have been working to clear it-cut the fabled airwaves of grain. Culture, you see, is very much like agriculture, in that it’s more efficient if a few people own it. So just like with terminator seeds, which expire and cannot be hoarded by peasant seed pirates but must be re-purchased each year, we are switching folks over to terminator songs, which you have to pay for again if you want to hum them next yer. And we’re working very closely with Clear Channel to ensure that the same songs are played all over America at the same time, so that no one gets confused or has to make too many choices. So that will be a great relief for folks.
I do have a domestic assignment that I can talk about. I was recently appointed the Cultural Director of the Department of Homeland Security. I achieved this position by writing the winning entry in the departmental theme song contest. There were of course many other entrants, but they disappeared, didn’t they? I know there have been critiques, but hey listen, my music is better than it sounds.
