The CIA, it turns out, vastly overstated Soviet strength, which contributed to public support of US military expenditures in the low 12 figures, with the lowered classes foregoing luxuries such as multiwalled dwellings and post-nursery education. Don’t worry, be hungry.
Companies love misery.
In the 80s, the top one percent doubled their income, while the poor saw their income fall ten percent. Would you like to do something about that? Well unfortunately for you, class struggle is officially out of style, at least for you.
Unfortunately, the raging Apathy Deficiency combined with the Peace Scare has caused people to focus on, well, me. But we have to keep our world, you know, our world. So try to develop some apathy about peace. Take a chill pill.
I’ve traveled a lot—I’ve been in all four countries, and let me tell you, they want what we’ve got here in America. But then again, we want what they’ve got, so fair’s fair.
Most of my statements can stand on their own two faces, but sometimes you have to just stand up and kick the facts in balls.
Star Wars
We have to stop small non-white nations from targeting the US with their one missile. I know, I know, it’s more likely that a terrorist will carry the bomb in a suitcase. Well here’s the good news: You think the Hubble is for finding new old galaxies? We can now spot that suitcase from space! Therefore we’ll be keeping a close watch on suspected terrorist organizations, students linked to terrorist organizations, and significant others of students with possible links to organizations that are now or may have ever been sympathetic to the philosophical goals of those associated with suspected terrorist organizations, as well as, of course, anyone with an accent.
What did Bill and Hill know, and when did they know it? What’s most important, however, is when they first did not want to know these things, and whether they had a constitutional right not to know them.
There’s a new test being run by the PC police, PC check. It catches pre-multicultural word usage and criticizes the user in front of the class.
7/90 The Pentagon wants to suspend Northrop from Defense contracting for faking tests on nuclear cruise missiles, saying they endangered the American public. But the Air Force is arguing against the suspension, saying that cruise missiles that don’t work are no more dangerous than those that do. The Air Force has been hit by allegations that it failed to move against Northrop for its overcharging on the B-2 Stealth bomber account. The Air Force counters that Stealth fraud is difficult to detect.
Poster child Neil Bushcontinues to suffer persecution for his alleged role in the Silverado Savings and Loan mishap, which is costing taxpayers something in the low ten figures. Bush had loaned developer Kenneth Good $30 million that was never repaid, and Bush himself received a $100,000 loan on condition that he not repay it. Bush admits that mistakes were made, but insists that creative financing is essential to high-performance banking.
Early installation of the first phase of Star Wars is threatened by the incorporation of “Brilliant Pebbles” technology, which was formerly thought to have been made up by me. Continued development of the program is said to be necessary in order to defend our forces in Guantanamo against Cuban aggression and to defend our Mideast Oil against solar researchers.
The national debate continues to rage over Roseanne Barr’s rendition of the national anthem at the San Diego Padres game on Thursday. Padres pitcher Eric Show said “There are people who died for that song,” and now, many have almost died from hearing it. There may soon be more: Congress is considering a constitutional amendment mandating the death penalty for citizens who don’t sing the anthem right.
The new nominee for the Supreme Court, New Hampshire judge David Souter, is described as having a narrow view on civil rights—that is, not.
In northern California, long-haired, naive Earth First? terrorists continue to harass traditional American families trying to make a living. Contacts have increased throughout the summer between the self-styled environmentalists and the local loggers, and there is now talk of building a coalition based on common “interests” and common perceived threats from alleged corporations engaged in so-called logging. Congress is considering a constitutional amendment against such coalitions, or at least, against the perceptions that lead to them.
Education President Bush has stepped aside and allowed International Trade President Bush to lead an investigation of California’s “Big Green” initiative, which would phase out pesticides, pesticide companies and table settings of pretty fruit.
The last bastion of Stalinism in Europe, tiny Albania, continues to reel from recent convulsions. One refugee summed up the drive for human rights there: “We want discotheques, not Communism.”
Controversy is brewing over alleged racial stereotyping in advertising. Recent ads feature veiled references to the small stature of the Japanese, along with photographs of ominous Samurai warriors. Advertisers protest that the commercials are meant to be humorous, like Andrew Dice Clay, and say the ads are not anti-Japanese but rather pro-American. Critics charge the ads may cross the thin line between pro-Americanism and racism, but the industry counters that internment camps provided jobs.
Imelda Marcos has been acquitted on the charge of loving her husband for 35 years. Marcos Attorney Gerry Spence never elaborated on his charge that then-Vice President George Bush knew as early as 1981 that the Marcos’s were moving millions of dollars into secret bank accounts, but legal experts point out that it’s no crime to know about crimes, especially if no one finds out until after the next election.
U.S. presidents for four decades have relied on vastly overstated CIA estimates of the Soviet Union’s strength, a CIA analyst has told a Senate committee. This may have in some small measure contributed to the American public’s tendency to support military expenditures in the low twelve figures and forego luxuries such as multi-walled dwellings and post-nursery education. No charges have been filed in the case.
The new U.S. ambassador to Nicaragua is Harry Shlaudeman. He has a long record in the struggle for democracy, having been present in the Dominican Republic in 1965 and Chile in 1973, but says his days of organizing coups are over and that he will support the Nicaraguan government he has installed. Shlaudeman has worked in Argentina and Brazil to support U.S.-flavored candidates, and the democratically rejected Sandinistas assert that he will meddle in Nicaragua’s internal affairs, funneling National Endowment for Democracy funds to the right wing. The complaining Sandinistas risk being extradited to the United States to stand trial on libel charges, which would provide them with the visas they have long sought to visit the land of opportunity.
The discredited Sandinistas are attempting to maintain their iron-fisted control of Nicaragua’s schools, dosing the children with militarism in literacy, such as “A is for army: we will never permit foreign intervention.” The new vice-minister of education, Humberto Belli, wrote a book that was published by an Institute that was founded and funded by the CIA, and the terrorist opposition is attempting to discredit Belli through guilt by association with an association that may have had some association with an organization known to use creative financing of high-performance covert democracy.
August 3, 1990 The Iraqi invasion of Kuwait has been denounced throughout the world and even brought the US and the Soviet Union together on an arms embargo. Iraq claims it was invited in by a Kuwaiti revolutionary government-in-waiting, and the US is readying a suit in the World Court for copyright infringement. Oil companies are nervous and have already begun to share their concern with consumers.
Operation Green Sweep has brought the war home to California in an effort to wipe out the most dangerous non-legal drug grown in Humboldt County. The joint military operation is seen as a show of force to impress Colombian authorities who had complained that the US is dispatching troops to South America while failing to clean up its act at home. The Bureau of Land Management spokesman said, “We are perfectly willing to invade ourselves.” Critics have said attacking pot plants to stop crack use is like attacking Grenada to strike at the Soviet Union, but President Bush defended the action, saying studies show cleanup of marijuana leads to cleanup of the harder stuff.
Congress is considering a program to help workers who lose their jobs due to defense cuts and environmental protection survive and retrain for new occupations. Some Congresspersons have noted that the program could resolve the conflict between environmentalists and loggers. The rest of the members agreed, and voted the measure down.
A new environmental study by the Roper Organization finds five categories of peoples responding to environmental problems. “Basic browns” show no concern, “grousers” tend to grouse, “sprouts” are concerned but don’t believe they can do anything, “green-back greens” give money, and “true-blue greens” believe that individuals can make a difference. There is a sixth category, those who believe that corporations are responsible for environmental destruction and should take responsibility for cleaning it up. This group is known as “reds” and was dismissed as being outside the US color spectrum.
August 10, 1990 “The Iraqi aggression proves that talk of a peace dividend is premature,” President Bush told the press yesterday, raising his hand to cover a slight smile. Celebrations have broken out all over America except among young men, their mothers, and a few other relatives. The president went on to denounce rumors that Saddam Hussein is on the CIA payroll. “We did not plan this crisis to divert attention from the S&L-deficit-recession question,” he asserted. “That was a side benefit.” Mr. Bush denounced Hussein for using the weapons we have provided him to launch an unauthorized war. He said he will ask Iran to come into the conflict to help destroy the weapons we had sent to destroy Iran, back when we were enemies, last year. The president said the 38 Americans confined by Iraq were not taken hostage, merely detained, and cautioned that we are not at war. Polls indicate the public supports the President’s position, with 68% saying they do not believe we are at war with Iraq, although 57% said they believed Iraq believes it is at war with us. 73% said they arrived at their views by reading opinion polls in the newspapers.
We always support self-determination throughout the world, in this case.
The question of sovereignty for Kuwait has been clouded by the fact that the tiny principality was formerly a province ruled from what is now Iraq. Iraq received its independence from Britain only in 1961, and Arab borders in general were manipulated by the departing British to maintain control over the region’s resources. But the administration has insisted that the colonially-established borders remain firm. “If Saddam wanted to invade Syria, we would consider that on its merits,” said a White House aide who wished to remain a White House aide, “but Kuwait has lots of oil and a port. Therefore we always support self-determination throughout the world, in this case.” The President agreed, saying “If you don’t defend your friends, then you shouldn’t complain when you lose your own human rights and have to leave the extra car in the garage for a week.” This last statement sent the stock market tumbling.
Defense Secretary Dick Cheney reported that he had met with Saudi Arabia’s King Fahd and held discussions on the situation, after which the King requested US troops be deployed. Mr. Cheney was surprised by this request, but after much thought he decided, with a heavy heart, to grant it.
August 18, 1990 Protesters marched in London today against the so-called Poll Tax, or Community Charge, which is designed to give rich and poor alike the right to sleep under bridges. The protesters attacked police with firebombs purchased with their welfare checks. The police denied charges they had provoked the crowd, saying they had merely told the demonstrators what time it was, namely, time to go home.
With the Cold War over, the CIA has ended its covert support to the UNITA guerrillas in Angola. The $60 million per year program has been formally declared overt.
August 24, 1990 Desert Shield: 40,000 reservists have been called up by President Bush, who has explained to the American people what we are defending in Saudi Arabia by jumping aboard his boat Fidelity, which uses only nine times as much gas as the average car. “I’m going to keep using my boat,” said Bush,” and I hope the rest of America will prudently recreate.” Other officials endorsed the President’s call for safe play.
Mr. Bush defended his holiday steadfastness by saying “I don’t want anyone asking ‘Where Was George’ later on.” He added that he would not become a prisoner of the White House like Jimmy Carter, preferring to be a prisoner of the Golf Course.
Proclaiming the reliability of America in fulfilling its commitments, the President said we will defend the Emir of Kuwait for all he’s worth—about $18 billion—and warned Iraq he would not tolerate an Iraqi puppet regime in Kuwait. “We want our puppet back,” Mr. Bush said forcefully, allowing himself to gently pound the lectern a bit and then confiscating reporters’ tapes.
Meanwhile, the US restrictees in Iraq and Kuwait were upgraded, first to Inconvenienced People and later to Hostages, but were never “guests,” as claimed by the Hitler-like Hussein, Bush told a Veterans of Foreign Wars gathering.
The President continued, “I salute the many countries who courageously responded to Saudi Arabia’s request, and I salute Saudi Arabia for courageously responding to our request for a request.” One sign-holder summed up the lofty goals of the defensive deployment: “Get their gas and kick their ass.” King Hussein of Jordan has implied that Iraq did not mass troops at the Saudi border, as claimed by President Bush, and that the crisis might have been avoided if Bush had not sent troops. The President rejected these protests, asking “How can we protect world peace if we don’t protect our piece?”
Public reaction has been favorable: Citizens seem to be thankful for something more virile to focus on than the wimpish, recession-prone, bailout-plagued economy. In the most recent poll, 59% said they supported the President’s Gulf policy, including 64% supporting it if it is about oil, 58% in support if it’s about the rights of Kuwait, 51% if it’s about the rights of the Emir, and 96% if it’s about America’s self-image. The poll has a sampling error of plus or minus four gallons of crude.
In addition, 71% of the respondents agreed with President Bush that Saddam Hussein is a new Hitler, while only 31% felt he had been a new Hitler when he gassed thousands of Kurds in the mid-80s. Sixty-two percent felt he was not a Hitler then because Bush hadn’t said it yet, while another 62% said it was because Kurds have no oil.
A few Americans revealed their inability to get on board by demonstrating against the deployment. One demonstrator in Amherst, Massachusetts said she had protested the war in Vietnam and knew what it was like to demonstrate “at the beginning, before the protest becomes prevalent,” implying that opposition to the Vietnam war had somehow increased over time and that this was likely to happen again. Passing motorists slowed down to discuss the issue with the picketers, criticizing their failure to give the new war a fair shake. One driver reasoned, “Get out of America.”
White House sources dismissed any parallel between the seizure of Kuwait and Israel’s seizure of territories in the West Bank and Lebanon, saying “There is a Butcher of Baghdad, but there is no Terror of Tel Aviv. Israel is a Democracy, governed by a Kind and Gentle Jerusalem.” The source conceded that the US could make up all the oil lost from Iraq and Kuwait by driving five fewer miles per day, but said that would cause a recession, and we can’t afford two.
September 14, 1990 The race for the California Governor’s mansion has turned from attack videos to more positive themes, with Dianne Feinstein backing the death penalty.
Hundreds of children in the cities of Brazil have been shot by death squads or beaten by police seeking to “clean up the streets,” but the White House says there are no plans for an embargo or troop deployment against the Butchers of Brazil because they are not upsetting the balance of butchery in the region.
A US government White Papernamed Saddam Hussein as the next officially-designated enemy of the United States in May of this year, two months before Hussein’s invasion of Kuwait, according to terrorist sympathizers outside the mainstream of American popular opinion.
Los Angeles police chief Daryl Gates, who last year declared that casual drug users “ought to be taken out and shot,” contends that casual marijuana smokers are responsible for the 300,000 babies born addicted to crack each year. Scientific studies so far are mixed. The Chief appeared at a local youth seminar and gave a lengthy talk on drugs, but his statements were clear.
In the latest chapter of the Gates-gate affair, the Chief has been placed on a sixty-day leave. Reaction in the city today has tended to divide along racial lines, for reasons that psychologists are working hard to uncover. Whites are saying the temporary leave was ordered as a cooling down period, while blacks maintain the Chief needs to chill.
October 9, 1990 A Florida jury has exonerated the Loud Noise group 2 Live Crew on obscenity charges. The decision, while not considered a major victory for feminism, is considered a victory for free speech. No word yet on a possible Constitutional amendment protecting citizens from having to hear four-letter words accompanied by non-melodic, insistent rhythms above a socially-sanc-tioned decibel level.
The US Department of Education will prohibit colleges that receive federal funds from offering scholarships earmarked for minority students. The Department says that “race-exclusive” scholarships discriminate in favor of minorities, instead of against them.
Recent polls indicate nearly six in ten Americans say the nation is in a recession. According to federal statutes, if eight in ten say it, it becomes law.
Cuba is trying to export its problems, according to a new scholarly report released by the US State Department. Charges that the US might be engaging in the same practice were heatedly denied by President Bush, speaking on behalf of his son.
British Prime Minister Thatcher has reacted with repulsion to the Iraqi taking of hostages, saying “We only came for their oil, not to have our heads tousled.” Hussein’s broadcasts have been reminiscent of earlier propaganda devices used in other countries, that is, not ours.
The British government is in a tizzy over the state of the economy. Last week, Chancellor of the Exchequer John Major said the country was in a recession, but today Prime Minister John Major disclaimed the Exchequer’s remarks and claimed it is merely a rapid economic slowdown.
October 30, 1990 President Bush has vetoed the civil rights quota bill because it would have denied the driving force of the American economy, that is, employers, the freedom to hire and fire when ready, regardless of color, that is, whatever color that pleases them, or doesn’t. But the President denies the veto is intended to help Republican candidates in white neighborhoods in the upcoming elections. Mr. Bush insisted he helps white neighborhoods year round.
And due to the continuing budget crunch, the President has threatened to shut down the government for the second time, but the shutdown will not affect essential services, that is, Operation Desert Shield, since that pre-war exercise has been contracted out. And with the CIA obtaining much of its funding from private and foreign sources, it looks like no one will be hurt by the shutdowns, except people.
November 4, 1990 Three Senators under investigation for helping a constituent, namely Charles Keating, have struck back, calling the charges a violation of the average American’s sense of fair play. The investigations reveal that as early as 1986 Mr. Keating warned that Edwin Gray, the head of the bank board, was creating a police state, in which the state would regulate the banks instead of the other way around.
November 10, 1990 President Bush has defended his veto of the civil rights bill, saying the measure would have pitted one group against the other, instead of the other way around.
The “Throw the Rascals Out” campaign against incumbent politicians scored a clear victory yesterday, with a two-thirds majority voting no to all the candidates, that is, not voting for any of them, that is, not voting. The runners-up conceded defeat gingerly in their victory statements. A New York Times article reveals a wide range of lack of motivations to vote, ranging from “I don’t know who to trust” to “I don’t know who not to trust.” Others disagreed, saying those who did vote are just as cynical.
The Times’ approach to the article was questioned by a far left think tank for allegedly failing to mention the actual organizations and persons that do so well in looking out for themselves on election day. A Times spokesperson explained, “We didn’t fail to mention that. We succeeded in not mentioning that.” The spokesperson added that this was an article about elections, not about who runs the country.
The proposal went down to defeat, with four million votes for and sixteen million dollars against.
A final note: In California the so-called Big Green initiative, an environmental proposition that was opposed by fair-sized chemical and oil concerns, went down to defeat, with four million votes for and sixteen million dollars against.
19 November 1990 London: A new poll reveals 46% of Americans believe that if the US launched a war in the Gulf, the Bush administrations would lie and say Iraq had started it. The 46% were questioned and released. The pollster was shot.
24 November 1990 London: President Bush says the US will fight for the rights of Kuwaitis, just as it has for Palestinians, only more so, since in this case we are able to find their leaders. Asked whether a war in the Gulf could end US influence in the Middle East, as the Suez conflict had ended European colonialism there, the President responded, “Oh, you mean the History thing?”
26 November 1991 London: Junk dealer-bond king Michael Milken has been savagely sentenced to ten years in prison. The sentencing judge wanted to send a warning to those who would deal junk on Wall Street instead of further uptown. “The sentence would have been twice as stiff,” said Judge Wood, “but we didn’t find any marijuana in his car.”
Observers of the New York Daily News strike note that violence is endemic in US labor history, owing to the workers’ long-standing frustration at not “owning” the “means” of “production.” The Tribune company, owners of the News, have conceded they may have given advance consideration to possible action in the event of a strike they might have hoped to help happen.
As Britain’s greatest peace-time Prime Minister surrendered the reins of power, pundits took a look back at her legacy. She came to power under the slogan “Labour Isn’t Working,” and promptly made sure of it. In fairness, some are. With the withdrawal of housing benefits and income support, more students are working than ever before. Granted, they are mostly female, and engaged in selling their bodies rather than their labour, but then, labour isn’t just working with your hands, is it?
6 December 1990 London:The European participants in the GATT talks are threatening to torpedo the current round by refusing to even consider a polite request by the United States that they cut farm subsidies. The US declared that the recalcitrant nations want to compete unfairly with the US, instead of the other way around. No word yet on a possible rescue of Europe by the Marines.
The British High Court has ruled that the working class still exists. In the case of the Millbank estate, left by the second Duke of Westminster to the council as workers’ housing, Mr. Justice Harman ruled that although Parliament had since chosen not to speak of the working class, it had not sought to prohibit others from speaking of it, nor to prevent the class from existing, but only from working.
Speech to the “Earth” First Thugs Ft. Bragg, California July, 1990
I know a lot of you think the CIA is not concerned with the environment. Well, let me tell you, we are very concerned. It’s definitely out there.
The business of America is none of your business.
But I must say, it’s a beautiful place we have here. It’s very moving to drive along through the giant, ancient, magnificent standing lumber, and I share the concerns of those who worry that it will rot on the stump. As for spotted owls, I think you know that I’m for the birds, but I really think they’d be better cared for in a zoo. I mean, nature is a wonderful thing, but it can never do what man can do: create a theme park.
Now admittedly there have been excesses. Some of our people have been clearcutting S&L’s, and dealing junk—bonds, I mean—and so they’ve run up a few debts, which is what makes the economy run, but perhaps a few too many, so they’ve got to liquidate their redwoods—I mean, assets—so they can get on with the business of America, which is none of your business.
You know, some people want the timber industry to diversify, create different jobs, retrain workers with new skills. But that would be quitting. And it’s not quitting time. Trees are a resource, and so are people. And we’re going to cut down trees and we’re going to cut down people, as we’ve done all along. We did that in Detroit and we did that in Pittsburgh. You don’t see those people complaining that their industries died. Well, because we don’t report it.
Did we stop making autos and steel just because of a little acid rain? No, we waited till the Japanese polluted the environment with their unAmerican level of efficiency, then we stopped! And we’re not going to stop logging till the Japanese can build a better Redwood. Until then, we’re gonna ship them our Mexican-milled logs, because they’re our friends.
But it’s a Third World out there; this is a single crop export-based region, and I think you ought to be proud of that. You’re very lucky really, you’re in the company of other single-crop economies like El Slaveador and Haiti and Peru, and they’re doing all right without job retraining and complaining about owls and so forth. And look at Brazil, they’re going to cut down the whole rain forest; do you see a bunch of Ozone First loonies running around trying to destroy the economy of Brazil? That’s right, you do, because you follow the news, for some reason. Well, that’s another clear-cut case.
But they’ve achieved a compromise. They don’t kill the forest, they buy it. Then they kill it. Look, you can’t go in there and tell those Indians they can’t have a television and two cars. We believe in equal opportunity. Here in America 5% of the world’s population despoils 60% of the world’s resources. So we’ve got to spread that around.
Because really, the question is, do you want your jobs taken away by eco-crazies, or do you want your children’s jobs taken away by the lack of trees. And water. And ozone. Sooner or later we’re going to run out of trees to cut, so we might as well cut them all. That’ll delay it for a generation. Or a year, anyway. Because really, isn’t that what it’s all about? Getting what we can for ourselves so that our grandchildren can pay the national debt?
4/90 In the case against Slaveadoran military officers for the killing of six Jesuit priests, their housekeeper and her daughter, key evidence has turned up missing, as well as four soldiers who are witnesses, who were sent abroad for military study. A spokesman for President Cristiani hailed the revelation as great progress, saying “In the past we discriminated against civilians; now we disappear the army too.” President Bush is worried, however, that the development may eat into his high ratings with the public. He said that with our help there has been progress in El Slaveador, but we must help more. He proposed cutting the death squad victim count in half by doubling aid to responsible, moderate elements in the death squads.
Vice President Quayleattended the swearing in ceremony Wednesday for the new President of Nicaragua, Violeta Chamorro. The Vice President was there to deliver some flour and cooking oil and to receive some unidentified flying objects in return, apparently expressing a local custom. President Chamorro is embroiled in her first crisis, having asked Sandinista Defense Minister Humberto Ortega to stay on as head of the army. The move prompted Assistant Secretary of State Bernard Aronson to fly to Managua and deliver what he called “a very tough message” to the new President. “I can’t tell you what to do,” he reportedly said to Mrs. Chamorro, waving a $300 million check in the air.
At an international meeting on the “Greenhouse effect,” President Bush has urged further study on the question of global warming, so that by the time it happens we will know why. Everyone agreed with the President, except for the other participants. Mr. Bush cautioned that we must be cautious, saying “What if we save the planet and it turns out it didn’t need it?
President Bush has cautionedMikhail Gorbachev on Lithuania, saying the United States opposes the Soviets’ use of an embargo to bend a small neighboring nation to its will. The President said such a move is immoral, illegal, and a violation of our patent rights.
The trial of Imelda Marcos continues in New York City. Mrs. Marcos is charged with stealing $200 million, or approximately 16.5 million pairs of shoes. Her attorney said it was necessary to remove money from the country in case of a Communist takeover. He added that Mrs. Marcos had a passion for shoes because as a poor child she had often gone without them and now wanted other people to. Most of the shoes had been received as gifts and don’t fit her, the attorney said, but she kept them in case her size changes.
Doctors have confirmed that President Bush has glaucoma and might have to take eye drops twice a day for the rest of his life. The President agreed to the treatment reluctantly after learning that the only alternative was to smoke marijuana once a week for a few months.
5/90 Eugene, Oregon voters have turned down a nuclear-free charter amendment, voting for jobs and against irresponsibility. The free and fair democratic vote climaxed a campaign in which Corporations Against—make that Citizens Against an Irresponsible Nuclear Free Zone outspent the pro-charter change group by 10 to 1, as is their God-given right in a Free Enterprise system. Rumors that Rohr Industries had never actually intended to locate in Eugene but set up the controversy as part of a national conspiracy with other corporations to covertly thwart nuclear-free zones were reported as fact by a local non-mainstream non-daily publication, but were denied by the corporate citizens in question and therefore not reported here.
The Coca-Cola company recently sent out promotional cans with cash instead of Coke in them. The cash cans were weighted with a sealed section containing the opposite of Coke: a foul-smelling, harmless liquid.
Congress voted to cut aid to El Slaveador by 50%, then killed the bill. Democrats hailed the move as a historic compromise. On Wednesday the House separated El Slaveador’s aid from the other two countries’ in order to get on with repairing the damage done to Nicaragua and Panama while haggling over how much more damage to do to El Slaveador.
CIA officials have revealed that they helped the Indonesian government finger Communists in a 1965 operation that removed less than 500,000 individuals from the Indonesia body politic. The American participation in the exercise was already widely known, except to Americans, and was therefore reported in the back pages of the press instead of being blown all out of proportion. Had the events occurred more recently, said a source, they would have been reported later.
The two Germanys are set to merge their economies on July 1. The merger was facilitated when East German President Lothar de Maizière relented on his previous position and agreed to allow West German investors to buy East Germany.
Hearings continue on the demise of Silverado Savings and Loan, of which Presidential son Neil Bush was a board member. The Colorado Financial Services Commissioner has declined to say the thrift had engaged in fraud, claiming instead that it had engaged in “aggressive, controversial, unorthodox tactics in a good faith effort to survive.” There is evidence that the Federal government intervened to delay the seizure of the S&L until after the 1988 elections, but officials explain that there is also evidence that then Vice-President Bush met with Oliver North at the height of the Iran-Contra affair, and probably knew more about the affair than President Reagan forgot, but that such theoretical musings don’t matter much because, as President Bush said, “People like me.”
Palestinians continue to riotin the wake of the killing of seven persons by an Israeli civilian who committed the killings without government permission. Israeli troops broke up demonstrations with tear gas and gunfire. Prime Minister Shamir defended the harsh actions, saying “Israel is a democracy. We must defend ourselves against those who want to have that democracy for themselves.”
Environmental President George Bush says he has high hopes for the ecologically-sound development of Mars.
The trustees of Mills Collegehave decided to keep Mills female, and anti-segregationists immediately warned that the move could lead to a male backlash against special privileges for women, with male harassment or even violence against women. A group of Mills students responded to the warning; in a letter to the school newspaper, they wrote, “What’s new?”
The government has finally acknowledged that Agent Orange may have caused cancers in some soldiers who failed to use it properly, that is, from airplanes. The Veterans Affairs Department apologized, saying the government regrets having given cancer to Americans.
The National Council of Churches has condemned Christopher Columbus’ discovery of America and other nearby countries as an “invasion” of the New World, saying it resulted in slavery and racism. But objective historians countered that the resolution was biased, having been proposed by an Indian, and noted that the Rescue of the New World took place before the Civilized World knew much about rights for non-whites. But, noted one scholar, we have eliminated slavery now, except for some forms in some countries, and by the next quincentennial we won’t have racism, if certain people will just work through channels, stay on the reservation and refrain from slandering their discoverer.
The U.S. military has taken control of the remote jungle border region between Panama and Colombia, in what the army describes as a routine training exercise. The Special Forces patrols are on the alert for Drugs and Guerrillas. Until recently, drugs and guerrillas were suspected of being two different things, but after being mentioned in the same breath several times coincidentally, they have become one Thing in the minds of the public, or at least, Drugs and Guerrillas will soon become one Thing, once everyone agrees that Drugs and Guerrillas are killing American citizens and Drugs and Guerrillas are illegal under U.S. law. Except for ourDrugs and Guerrillas.
The U.S. and Panama are prepared to sign an agreement permitting U.S. ships to patrol Panamanian waters as long as a Panamanian official is abord. That way, a Panamanian will always be present to request U.S. aid in searching ships for illicit Drugs, such as non-CIA cocaine.
In a bold new plan to counter global warming, scientists are proposing to spray hundreds of thousands of tons of iron onto the oceans in order to increase the plankton population and soak up excess carbon dioxide. Such intervention in the food chain could have unknown ecological effects, but if the whales got out of hand it would likely be after the drug cartels are defeated, and the whales could become America’s next enemy, facilitating Star Wars funding and the re-election of President Gingrich.
Most previous proposals have involved cutting back on the use of coal and possibly even leaving the extra car in the garage once a week. Such measures could wreak havoc with the economy, so officials are beginning to look at alternatives that would only wreak havoc with the ecology.
Professor Adam Heller at the University of Texas says there is “nothing fundamentally stupid” about the idea. “It does tend to indicate we have learned nothing from our experience, but that is not stupidity, but rather unabated ignorance.”
Leading naturalist Manuel Lujan has enrolled in a study course on squirrel colors. Lujan, who asked the teacher “Do we really have to save every subspecies?,” was told that all living things are connected to each other, including plants, animals, humans, diseases and their cures, but that if he felt that an eventual cure for cancer or AIDS was getting in the way of the economic development newdiseases, he could choose the squirrels he like the least and repaint them.
6/90 FLAGGING PATRIOTISM: Bob Dole has said that the flag stands for the freedom of all those who love it. All over the world people want our flag. The White House, meanwhile, is worried that the inability to charge the flag burners at home will curtail our freedom to arrest them abroad, where most of the burning incidents occur.
Many Democrats wish to oppose the flag-burning amendment but cannot in an election year because the Bill of Rights is not as popular as the flag—that is, it was not chosen as a campaign issue. Some say the Bill of Rights needs a PR firm, like Willie Horton. In any case, our leaders of both parties are sure to maintain their courage in the face of the growing threat to the flag, that is, their jobs.
TWO LIVE CLUES: Noted rapper Luther Campbell has pointed out that sexual obscenity is everywhere, but only Black pop stars get the axe. But a Miami anti-pornography lawyer denied he had deliberately chosen a Black group in order to inflame Whites, saying “that comes naturally.” In a sense there’s truth here: Police arrested him because of complaints from parents. White parents, with White children. If Black parents complained about Black children hearing Andrew Dice Clay’s obscenities, they’d bust him too. But how many Black children want to listen to Dice Clay? If Black children weren’t so racist and if Black rappers would keep their obscenities to their own kind, nobody would get busted. In short, how do they expect us to control society if they don’t stay in their place?
THE CIA HELPED ARREST MANDELA, reports Cox News Service, keeping track of his movements and reporting them to the South African government. Mandela said he is willing to forget the incident, that it is history. This closely parallels President Bush’s position on apartheid. Mr. Mandela is seeking the maintenance of sanctions on South Africa, and Mr. Bush will seek to accommodate him if he can show that the regime there has been supporting abortion or obscene art with federal monies.
THE DEVIL DOES DRUGS: Drug Czar William Bennett has revealed the results of a scientific survey proving that Satan is pushing drugs. He cited the reports of numerous drug addicts who call crack cocaine “the devil.” The czar said that drug lords lead the new evil empire because Communism’s time is up. Bennett spoke to 2,500 Southern Baptist Drug Research Scientists. He received unexpected support from the speaker of the Iranian parliament, who said “We always said the Great Satan was dealing drugs.” And one addict said he felt better knowing “it’s just the devil in me.”
Bennett also called for the “death of modernism,” saying that with everyone getting high, it was high time for post-modernism to take over. In this connection he hailed two recent Supreme Court decisions: one allowing Bible clubs in schools, the other outlawing the use of peyote by Indian tribes. Indians must come back from devil worship, said Bennett, back to Christ, back from peyote, back to alcohol.
We all want to save the planet. But we are not extremists.
REDWOODS SIMMER. “There is but one endangered species,” forklift operator Bonnie Sue Smith told a crowd of 4,000 loggers and mill workers. “That is you.” Many landowners are hurrying to log off their holdings in the face of possible new restrictions being proposed by enviro-crazies. “I respect the people’s right to dissent,” said a log-truck driver, “as long as they don’t do drugs, listen to rap music or burn the flag. But these people all have hot tubs,” she added, citing a scientific study of the correlation between Yuppies and concern for the Redwoods. “Look,” said a mill worker standing nearby, “we all want to save the planet. But we are not extremists. What if you save all the Redwoods and all the people have to move to Silicon Valley?” One of his compatriots agreed: “What if a tree stands in the forest, and there’s no one there to appreciate it. Is it really a tree?”
FAMILIES LEAVE: President Bush wants to veto legislation providing for unpaid maternity leave, saying that unpaid leave is anti-worker. The veto, however, might damage his carefully spun kinder-gentler image, and in an election year at that.
I spoke about the problem with a White House official who asked to remain a White House official. “They want the right to come back to their jobs just because they’re home making new employees for industry,” he told me. “I tell women, be patient. You got the vote, and only 55 years after you first asked for it. Just hold on to your biological clock.” But opponents say a leave policy could cost employers money and thereby set a bad precedent: costing employers money. Historians assure us that all social gains in our country’s history have been granted freely rather than fought for, and therefore no one should fight for this. Or else it isn’t really a social gain, in which case you should fight for it and lose.
A final note: other industrialized countries already have provisions for family leave, but that was not reported here.
President Bush, prodded by a tax-hungry Democratic Party, has finally conceded the need for alterations in the budget package and new revenue increases, if not taxes. Congressional Republicans applauded the timing of the move, that is, a long time before 1992. Among the most likely increases are the cigarette and liquor taxes or “Sin Taxes,” but Bush did not propose new taxes on those who practice S & L. Asked on the White House lawn if he was not going back on a campaign promise, the President said “Read my bottom line,” and turned his back.
Nelson Mandela continues his triumphal tour of the United States. President Bush had said he would inform Mandela that there are Black leaders in South Africa who disagree with sanctions. This was expected to take the ANC leader by surprise and probably alter his position. When the two leaders met they disagreed on some issues, such as Angola, Mozambique, and the right to revolution in South Africa, but they agreed on the important thing: Mr. Bush will not lift sanctions. Mandela said you should not, Bush said they won’t let me anyway. Mr. Mandela did not bring up the CIA’s role in his capture 27 years ago, and Mr. Bush in return did not mention that it was a Democratic CIA and not a Republican one that took that action. He left that to Mr. Fitzwater.
The President did ask Mandela to foreswear violence in pursuit of democracy, but Mandela told a joint session of Congress that his movement took inspiration from the American revolution. Bush later told Mandela that revolution is not needed in South Africa because apartheid is already on the way out. Mandela smiled wanly and replied, “Aren’t we all?”
Last week the Fish and Wildlife Service declared the spotted owl an endangered species, and yesterday the Secretary of the Interior responded by moving to amend the Endangered Species Act, in order to endanger more species. The plan will change the name of the act to the Endangered Jobs Act, and will increase the amount of logs permitted to be shipped to Mexico in order to save money for the timber companies, which will trickle down in the form of more jobs for Japanese building contractors.
Interior Secretary Manuel Lujan told a reporter he had never heard of tree farming, alternative building materials, or job retraining because he is Secretary of the Interior, not of Agriculture, Housing and Labor. The Secretary’s action also exempted the extensive national forest lands from tree-cutting restrictions. In response to outraged protests from the owl-supporting Sierra Club, Lujan explained, “The spotted owl is an indicator species. It indicates where the trees are.”
Drug czar William Bennettclaims he was taken out of context and quoted as blaming Satan for drug use. He actually said it was a product of “The Great Deceiver,” though he did not specify whether he meant Fidel Castro or Michael Milken. In a speech to the California State Senate, Bennett urged the lawmakers to send all marijuana users to jail, where they can learn that marijuana use will lead to hard drugs and AIDS. Bennett recently received the coveted Patrick Buchanan Award for making elected officials look mainstream.
The five Central American presidents have declared war on poverty. No longer will the poor be the only enemy. But the rich have nothing to fear: land reform is not mentioned, nor are new social welfare programs. The idea instead is to help the poor without threatening the power structure. This radical concept is expected to take the wind out of the guerrillas’ sails, at least in the U.S. press, and is expected to be welcomed by the poor, for about five minutes.
Secretary of Defense Dick Cheney has announced he will cut the size of the army by 25%, but will cut spending by only 10%. The plan has the advantage of only throwing individual soldiers out of work, instead of whole corporations.
President Bush has suspendedtalks with the PLO because they have refused to deplore a thwarted attack by a renegade terrorist group. The President denied that he had been looking for an excuse to suspend the talks, but admitted that there hadn’t really been any talks worth suspending but that he must suspend them anyway on principle. The Israeli government welcomed the suspension as “an important and positive decision,” and said it would table new proposals on how to advance the peace process without talking to the adversary.
The Sixth International AIDS Conference finished in San Francisco last week with noisy demonstrations against Louis Sullivan, who is trying to do something about AIDS, unlike the demonstrators. The epidemic is reaching crisis proportions, with the nation’s cost for care of its AIDS patients exceeding $1.5 billion a year, or approximately 2.5 Stealth Bombers.
President Bush has denounced a House subcommittee that cut funds from the space program, saying “The American people want us in space.” Commented one AIDS conference delegate, “Some of us want some of you there.”
The trial continues in the non-political, non-vendetta, non-entrapment case against Washington Mayor Marion Barry. If the case succeeds, it is expected to serve as a model for further cases against officials who unofficially use drugs, leading eventually to charges against those with connections to drug dealers and climaxing with proceedings against high officials who will be found to have covered up for international drug dealers in Latin America and Southeast Asia, even though their coverups were clearly justified by the threats to National Security then posed by North Vietnam and Nicaragua. Such a case would take a long time to prepare and would probably not be ready until sometime after the accused has left the White House.
The military is not trained to save the Earth—quite the contrary.
The Pentagon has a new plan to devote its resources to saving the environment, using Star Wars supercomputers for climate modeling work. The plan would require reclassifying environmental protection as a national security objective, which would involve either annexing the rest of the planet or saving only the American environment. “Of course,” said one General, “we’re not trained to save the Earth—quite the contrary.” He added that if any “peace” protestors claimed to have come up with the computer conversion idea, their part of the peace dividend would have to be withheld.
The White House reveals that President Bush has not proposed new taxes after all. He has, rather, accepted the idea of tax revenue increases. Apparently the President made the move in a politically courageous attempt to save the Democrats from having to shoulder all the responsibility for whatever revenues may eventually become noticeable. The Democrats, apparently, went along with this, and may have even suggested it. President Bush has been shielded from reporters since the announcement, but his press secretary justified this, saying “He didn’t hold press conferences when he licked homelessness, drugs, and the meaner, rougher America either. He’s just not a credit-grabbing guy.” Fitzwater defended his explanation against charges that it is a partisan spin on a broken campaign promise, countering that it is a straightforward action to provide wiggle room.
Nicaragua has had her first democratic elections since the ones we don’t talk about. We had, rather, they had these elections, and the logical result was that the dictator who armed his own people and then cynically instructed them not to overthrow him, was thrown out in a free and fair vote. Well, it wasn’t exactly free, it cost us about $9 million. And I think if you set aside the war, the trade embargo, the harbor mining and assassination attempts, I think you can say we bought that election fair and square.
Now, that election does leave the Sandinites as the largest single political organization in Nicaragua, and that’s all right, if they want to be that way. But if they insist on disrupting that new-born democracy, by participating in it, then we’re going to have to fix their airport. Why? Because they don’t have a canal. Another of their little tricks. But they have proven that socialism doesn’t work. I’ll just give you one example. There are over 100 volcanoes in Nicaragua today, and after 10 years of Sandinite rule, only 20 of them are working. So you can see it’s a system that pretty well condemns itself.
In El Slaveador, a governmental commission has found that elements of the Armed Forces were responsible for the killing of six Jesuit priests, their housekeeper and her daughter in November. The U.S. State Department praised the finding and said it shows that the government of President Cristiani is capable of gaining control over the military by 1997 or 12 priests, whichever comes last.
Colombia’s drug lords have offered to surrender, but the Colombian government has rejected the offer. President Bush declined to comment except to say that he didn’t know anything about it but he supported the Colombian government’s position backing our stance, on which we will follow their lead.
Mikhail Gorbachev has dropped his opposition to a multiparty system for the Soviet Union. No word as yet from Washington on whether the United States government will permit a multiparty system here.
Black residents of Bostonclaim that the Police Department, which went on a “rampage” in the Black community looking for the killer of Carol Stuart and her infant son last October, have eggs on their faces following the suicide of Carol’s husband Chuck and the revelation that he had in fact murdered his own wife and child to collect the insurance. Residents also charged that the media tripped over their own prejudices about inner city life, played into the fears of White citizens and accentuated racial hostility throughout society. But Boston civic leaders have pointed out that although there may be racism in the media, the Police Department and even at City Hall, at least it isn’t institutionalized in society.
The United States has or has not dispatched ships and planes to help the government of Colombia monitor and interdict drug smugglers, but Colombian officials have decried the action as a “blockade.” Proconsul—that is, National Security Adviser Brent Scowcroft explained patiently that the unilateral action is not a blockade: “That is a negative, warlike term,” he said, “a perceptual problem on their part.” He characterized the dispatch of the carriers and cruisers as a “routine intervention.”
Meanwhile Damage Control Officer Marlin Fitzwater commented, “We are anxious to help Colombia, and we would appreciate it if they would appreciate our help.” According to another source, the Non-blockade is justified by the extenuating circumstance of the export of deadly drugs to America’s youth, just as the Non-invasion of Panama was. The source added that a similar case could be made for Assistance to Mexico, requested or otherwise, due to that nation’s export of jobless hordes to our shores. But these are just a few extraordinary exceptions to our general Policy of Live and Let Live, Non-intervention within the broad guidelines of the Monroe Doctrine, said the source, who declined to be named even though he is over 40 years old.
Deputy Secretary of State Lawrence Eagleburger acknowledged that there is a problem with Latin American leaders’ perceptions of our recent actions, and that they didn’t understand how seriously we take these things. Therefore, he said, we are dispatching Vice President Quayle to explain it to them.
South African freedom fighter F.W. de Klerk has torn down the Pretoria Wall, responding to the determined campaign of Black South Africans for social justice, and in some small measure to the fact that the nation’s loans are coming due and timely reforms might help to end international sanctions. De Klerk left standing a few of apartheid’s rules, including the group areas act and the population registration act, and left troops in Black townships and money in White ones. But he boldly proposed equal representation for all: one vote for the 5 million Whites and one vote for the 30 million Blacks.
The latest Iran‑Contra sentencing is in: Albert Hakim, the business partner of Richard Secord and financial adviser to Oliver North, was fined $5,000 and allowed to keep less than a million of the nine million dollars he holds in a Swiss Bank account. As the judge announced the fine, Hakim went into shock and slumped forward. The judged insisted it was necessary to take firm, even drastic measures with those who steal security fences from the government.
Rebels in El Slaveador are trying to overthrow the democratic death squads.
Secretary of State James Baker has offered to lift sanctions on Nicaragua if they will allow the U.S. to observe their elections. There will be many other observer teams there, including the Organization of American States, the European Parliament, and teams led by Elliott Richardson and Jimmy Carter, but Baker says such people are easily duped. Many of the same groups certified as fair the 1984 elections in Nicaragua, which, as we know, didn’t take place, and therefore could hardly have been fair. Baker said the Sandinistas must also stop sending anti‑aircraft missiles to rebels in El Slaveador who are trying to overthrow the democratic death squads there.
A U.S. cutter sprayed machine gun fire at a Cuban boat when it refused to stop for a drug inspection in international, that is non‑Cuban waters. Naval officials said the Cuban vessel was behaving suspiciously, that is, executing avant‑garde maneuvers, that is, sailing Cubist style. The Cuban freighter was sailing under a Panamanian flag, a common practice among nations attempting to evade drug inspections, but the government of Panama was kind enough to grant the US permission to board the vessel. Vice President Quayle commented on the incident to reporters, but his remarks were not quoted by the press as a courtesy to the public.
President Bush gave his State of the Union address this evening. He said we are living in revolutionary times, and congratulated the people of Panama for their revolution, which he revealed we are supporting. Mr. Bush acknowledged his success in achieving the revolutions in Eastern Europe. He promised to solve all social problems without spending any money, while reducing the deficit and paying off the national debt. Mr. Bush declined to take a urine test.
The struggle continues between Lithuania and the Soviet Union. President Bush told Soviet Ambassador Eduard Shevardnadze that the U.S. has always supported Lithuania’s right to independence, that it is completely non-negotiable, and that “someday we’re going to lose patience over this and do something about it. If the Russians don’t get outa there, then we’re gonna have to take decisive action and not get outa Panama. Not that we’re in there.”
The Costa Rican government is seeking the extradition from the United States of fairly conservative rancher John Hull in connection with the assassination attempt against former Contra leader Eden Pastora. The request is an unusual twist on international law in that normally it is the United States that extradites people from other countries.
The case is weakened by its recycling of the Thoroughly Discredited lawsuit by the “Christic Institute,” a group described by a Western Diplomat a “not quite Christian.” Western Diplomats, incidentally, are Usually Reliable Sources employed at high levels of Western, that is to say, Northern governments, almost always in the U.S. State Department but occasionally including the Slaveadoran Ambassador to Guatemala, and therefore as a group representing a wide spectrum of opinion in the Civilized World, as opposed to Eastern diplomats, who are now our friends but don’t yet know the ropes of Western Diplomacy, that is, how to be quoted and not have to take responsibility for your statements.
The liberated ex-Sovietniks are looking forward to the markup of the magicplace.
I just want to share with you all what a thrill it has been to be present for the momentous changes shaking the formerly Evil Empire. Well, not present in the sense that I have been involved over there in fomenting anything. That is deniable but true. No, I’m just speaking about the lump I got in my throat watching the East Berliners streaming through the Wall at Cashpoint Charlie. And I know they’re all looking forward to the incentives of free enterprise: the homelessness and unemployment and all the other things you can achieve through the markup of the magicplace.
And yet, strange as it seems, there are people over there who still want to be Communists. And I never knew this before, but there are actually different kinds of Communists. There are the ones that are concerned with the environment. (And believe me, I’m concerned about that too. It’s definitely out there.) These nature-loving Communists are known as the Red Greens. Then there are the vegetarian Communists, the Marxist-Lentilists.
I only hope the changes over there don’t turn out to be a trick. It would be just like them. They would cause us to think the Cold War was over, and to cut our defense budget and close down our defense plants. Then they’d catch us with our plants down and march right in, right through Belgium, across Chad, up through Guatemala and right into downtown L.A. And take away our MTV. Think about it. But not too much.
The liberated ex-Sovietniks are looking forward to the markup of the magicplace.
I just want to share with you all what a thrill it has been to be present for the momentous changes shaking the formerly Evil Empire. Well, not present in the sense that I have been involved over there in fomenting anything. That is deniable but true. No, I’m just speaking about the lump I got in my throat watching the East Berliners streaming through the Wall at Cashpoint Charlie. And I know they’re all looking forward to the incentives of free enterprise: the homelessness and unemployment and all the other things you can achieve through the markup of the magicplace.
And yet, strange as it seems, there are people over there who still want to be Communists. And I never knew this before, but there are actually different kinds of Communists. There are the ones that are concerned with the environment. (And believe me, I’m concerned about that too. It’s definitely out there.) These nature-loving Communists are known as the Red Greens. Then there are the vegetarian Communists, the Marxist-Lentilists.
I only hope the changes over there don’t turn out to be a trick. It would be just like them. They would cause us to think the Cold War was over, and to cut our defense budget and close down our defense plants. Then they’d catch us with our plants down and march right in, right through Belgium, across Chad, up through Guatemala and right into downtown L.A. And take away our MTV. Think about it. But not too much.
