Weekly regrade: Central America has been upgraded from backyard to neighborhood status. The African National Congress was temporarily upgraded from terrorists to freedom fighters but the error was corrected and they were re-downgraded in favor of other forces working for peaceful democratic change and resisting both violence and apartheid. A source explained that violence is needed for change in Nicaragua and Afghanistan but not in South Africa because apartheid is on its way out anyway.
Meddle East: Political analysts continue to debate whether the U.S. position on hostages in the Mideast has shifted or whether there is instead a slight indication of a small shift or simply a possible indicator of a reflection of a possible shift in the position. An administration official, attempting to put an end to the speculation, insisted that the policy was not being changed, but rather redefined.
British Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher says that her cuts in social services are part of a plan to reduce immigration by making conditions in Britain such that no one would want to immigrate there.
The International Monetary Fund has denied allegations that it lined up 25,000 Third World children against a wall and shot them, saying its one percent raise in Third World debt interest rates merely led to an incremental rise in starvation.
As the Central American peace process grinds on, Slaveadoran quote death squads have struck a-quote gain. We reported here in the spring of 1983, fall of 1984 and summer of 1985 that the Slaveadoran guerrillas had lost the war. If they’ve lost the war three times, why are they still fighting? They obviously don’t understand the situation. So we will continue to try to explain it to them, non-verbally.
8/88 WHEN YOU’RE A JET….In the wake of the Ramstein air show disaster in Germany, the U.S. Air Force says it will continue air shows because “they show the American taxpayers what their planes and pilots can do.” That from a high Air Force source who declined to state what he was high on.
A good crisis: The Reagan administration has issued nationwide warnings on Radon contamination of homes, saying it is an environmental hazard that demands the attention of every American. Environmental candidate George Bush says it is an important concern because it is a crisis not caused by a corporation and can be remedied by individual initiative.
In addition to the radon initiative, the administration has vetoed a bill that would have permitted strip-mining on public lands, proposed a total ban on chemicals that destroy the Earth’s ozone shield, brought unemployment to a 14-year low, and not mentioned Contra aid for three weeks. White House sources deny that such seeming reversals of administration policy just before an election are political, noting that the White House kept Michael Dukakis away from George Bush’s welcome to the space shuttle crew in order to avoid politicizing the event.
Michael Dukakis continues to bore down on the Democratic nomination, while Jesse Jackson continues to be Black and to talk of “economic justice.” Jackson made a notable contribution to the race—sorry, to the campaign—by keeping the electorate from sleeping through the primary season, but has sullied the political process with the introduction of issues into the campaign.
Jackson has come to the convention with seven million votes behind him, but all that is behind us now. Though Jackson won the major cities and has only three million fewer votes than Dukakis, the numbers just don’t add up. Jesse’s always been better at poetry than arithmetic. It is above all his position that the public should control corporations just because the opposite is true that has cost him support with the public, that is superdelegates, that is, PAC’s, that is, the business community, that is, the public, that is, me.
On the Republican side, Vice President Bush has relaxed tensions by saying he will appoint to the Supreme Court moderate people of conservative views. In economic matters, Bush has promised a flexible freeze on government spending, but denies that flexible freeze translates as thin ice. He further denied that his capital gains tax cut will favor the rich, saying the difference between its effect on the wealthy and on those less well-off will be zero; in fact, it will be three zeros.
The Vice President continues to deny that he didn’t know what his aides were doing when they were not involved with illegal arms for the Contras, assassination plots in Costa Rica, and not trying to inform him about General Noriega’s involvement with cocaine trafficking, which was long suspected but only confirmed with absolute certainty last week. Or next week. Mr. Bush is campaigning for higher ethical standards in government.
Mr. Bush continues to be insulted by his main adversary, Garry Trudeau, but the candidate claims he is not bothered by the comic strips, which portray him in no particular light at all. Bush commented, “I don’t understand Doonesbury even when it’s about me.”
The Vice President has distanced himself from the Reagan administration in the same determined and enthusiastic manner with which he was endorsed by the President. For example, where Reagan said he was sorry to hear of the Pentagon Purchasing Power Mix-up, Bush said he was shocked. And Bush said he is against discrimination against AIDS victims, where Reagan has only said he is against AIDS.
Mr. Bush continues to play down the flap over Dan Quayle, saying that his running mate never burned his draft card and had every right to defend his country in Vietnam from at home. Besides, he said, Mr. Quayle has a lot in common with the common man; for example, his personal worth is estimated at less than $100 million. And as for the weekend non-affair with golf-linked lobbyist Paula Parkinson, Quayle, in a rare foray into complete sentences, stated “I hope there is some respect and dignity for things I did not do.”
In the matter of Bush campaign aide Frederic Malek, who had been assigned by Nixon Chief of Staff Robert Haldeman to find and fire Jews in the Bureau of Labor, Bush declared his aide “free of bigotry,” saying Malek was only following orders.
On the campaign trail, Mr. Bush has been dogged by demonstrators. But in Massachusetts, Passaic County Sheriff Edwin Englehardt said, “These are the people from the ACLU. They are endangering the right of freedom of speech by using it.” Bush has acknowledged that Massachusetts does not traditionally vote Republican, but the VP has picked up the endorsement of the Springfield Police Department, which is seen as important even though Massachusetts is not generally regarded as a police state.
Mr. Bush told an audience in California that the Democratic Party is now run by the New Left, old campus radicals and people who marched for peace. He urged Democrats who opposed peace marches to join the mainstream and vote Republican.
The candidate told his audience that after eight years of Republican government we have peace, except in El Slaveador, where we have low intensity peace, and in the West Bank, Afghanistan and South Africa, where there are promising signs of peace in 1990 and the first two months of 1991, and again just before the 1992 elections.
The presidential campaign appears to be inspiring voters to fits of near wakefulness, with large numbers still undecided on which candidate to vote against. While pundits lament the dismal tenor of the campaign, they credit Mr. Bush with successfully pursuing the low road, faulting the Democrats for underestimating the high value placed on non-issues by the electorate. The so-called gut issues may or may not be real, but they are real enough to the voters, who in turn may or may not be real. However, says Michael Robinson of Georgetown University, “It’s not all media manipulation. There are polls too.”
Politics abhors a vacuum, says Professor Stephen Hess of the Brookings Institution. With the candidates currently on offer, you have to add something, like a flag here or an ACLU there. These additions appear to be an improvement over the L-word and furloughed rapist Willie Horton, with voters preferring the new non-issues by 61% in a recent poll.
Mr. Dukakis is criticized for failing to hit Bush for his closeness to the wealthy, not to mention his blood relation to the royal families of Europe, which no one has. But Democrats figure that popular hostility to big business and other royalty is down in periods of prosperity. The economic indicators are currently good, and are likely to remain so through Tuesday.
The Democratic candidate denies that there are fundamental differences between himself and running mate Lloyd Bentsen, saying “Lloyd is for the Contras in Nicaragua, I’m for them in Angola. He’s from the upper class, I say there’s no underclass. He’s from Austin, I’m from Boston. And we agree on the fundamental issue of the campaign: Jesse Jackson.”
But new polls reveal confusion among the voters, who appear unable to differentiate between Lloyd Bentsen and George Bush. Both are tall Texans with more money than you. Here are some tips to help the electorate tell them apart:
Bush is VP, Lloyd wants to be.
Bentsen wants mandatory prayer in the schools, Bush says that’s not as important as President Reagan used to think it was.
Bush says he doesn’t have to cover up his differences with Jesse Jackson, Bentsen has no comment.
Bush is a former oil man, while Bentsen is merely a champion of the petroleum industry.
The differences between candidates Bush and Dukakis have begun to emerge as the conventions approach. For example, Bush says the government cannot stop plants from closing, while Dukakis maintains he would warn the workers. The Vice President continues to make the damaging allegation that Dukakis is a Liberal. While Dukakis denies it, polls indicate that the public would prefer to see the candidate go to trial on the charge before the election so there will be no doubt on voting day.
Bush has accused the Democrats of being cynics—people who prefer to see things as they are, not as they should be. The Republicans understand that if you say the economy is in good shape, people believe it, and it therefore comes true. Until proven false. Later.
3/88 The resignations of top officials at the Justice Department shocked Attorney General Meese so much that he could “barely speak,” but caused no particular concern among the President’s advisers. “People resign all the time,” said one aide, leaning casually against a button labeled “NORAD,” and adding, “oops.” Attorney General Meese himself has been the victim of further Borking in the press this week, but President Reagan has stood by his old friend, saying “What?”
SAFE SEX: Shirley MacLaine has announced that she will hold past sex life regression seminars. MacLaine says that graduates will no longer have to do it, but rather just remember it.
Televangelist Oral Roberts, having met his initial quota, says that he will need $8 million a year until Christ returns. One of his viewers phoned in to say she had seen a vision: the large letters L-O-R-D emblazoned across the sky, and in smaller letters, “Let Oral Roberts Die.”
In a development that has astounded everyone, Nicaragua’s warring factions have signed a truce that may put the Communist-ruled nation on the road to peace. It remains to be seen whether the Resistance can co-exist in good conscience with the Soviet-backed government, which has imprisoned thousands of employees from the previous administration, arrested Contra members on hearsay evidence of so-called butchery, and broken the fabric of Nicaraguan life by forcing peasants to read and eat.
Costa Rican Communists are in Nicaragua being trained to fight Contras. The Costa Commies Against the Contras, or Costa Cong, constitute a case of Nicaraguan aggression against Costa Rica, since they could later be used against Costa Rican Contras, which the Congress has not yet funded.
Meanwhile, the Reagan administration has assured Honduras that the U.S. will defend them if they are attacked by Nicaragua, and has pledged to continue the search for ways to encourage Nicaragua to make the attack.
The Army is making plans for a “What If” war, just in case all goes according to plan and we find our troops in Central America, or lose them there. The U.S. Army does not know much about guerrilla warfare, said one officer who wished to remain unnamed, even though he is already in his late 40’s.
South African President Pieter Botha has decided to moderate his pace in the dismantling of apartheid, and has requested that opposition groups get permission from his government before overthrowing it. Meanwhile, President Reagan told a press conference we are not supporting the guerrillas in South Africa because the problem there is tribal, not racial. Commented a seasoned observer, “The man is an original thinker.”
The President was recently fitted with a new hearing aid that is adjustable and can selectively tune out helicopter motors or reporters’ questions.
5/88 President Reagan has responded angrily to former White House Press Secretary Larry, who spoke that he had spoken for Reagan in words Reagan never spake. Speaking for Reagan, press secretary Marlin Fitzwater said “I’m sure he would be upset about it. I’m sure he would say something to the effect that putting George Shultz’s words in the President’s mouth went beyond ghostwriting into anthropomorphism.” Reagan later denied he had used the word anthropomorphism, but declined to state why, adding only that he continues to have complete confidence in Fitzwater.
For his part, Speakes spoke that he had not lied, but merely used his imagination, much in the style of his former employer, of whom Speakes once spoke, “He may have got the facts a little wrong, but he told it rather well, didn’t he?” It now appears that while Reagan may have got the facts a little wrong, it may have been Speakes who told it rather well. Speakes declined to comment on that, saying “That would be putting words in my mouth.”
And on the heels of the Speakes book comes Donald Regan’s book, accusing the President’s wife of governing by the stars. Mrs. Reagan has told reporters that former White House aides who kiss and tell should be lined up, like the planets.
Police have been called out in Washington D.C. to stop a group of homosexuals from placing a condom on the Washington Monument. The demonstrators said their action was necessary to curb an international epidemic of Pentagonnorhea, which they described as a social disease that results from fucking too many countries. The protestors came to the capital to demand support for sufferers of AIDS, echoing the position taken by President Reagan two years ago in a major 2-1/2 minute speech on the problem, in which he promised to combat the disease with optimism.
TV advertising of sexual prophylactics has come in for condomnation by the President. He said that his wife also opposed it, saying it rubbed her the wrong way. In New Hampshire, Mrs. Reagan gave a talk on drugs, but her statements were clear.
Democratic Presidential candidates Dukakis, Babbitt, Gore, Biden, Simon, Gephardt and Jackson are gearing up for a wide open race. Jesse Jackson is the front runner and may therefore be offered the second spot on the ticket. The candidates can expect to be quizzed on whether they have ever used marijuana or committed adultery, sodomy or ornithology. They will also be questioned on civil rights, the federal budget and nuclear weapons strategy, time permitting.
The nature of the campaign has itself become a campaign issue, with debate centering on television coverage. Network opinion is split, with CBS President David Burke blaming voter apathy and sound bite mentality, and ABC President Roone Arledge blaming the politicians who create the apathy and sound bites. The public is also split, with many blaming the press and others blaming the candidates and their handlers. Only the candidates are united, all of them blaming the other candidates.
100 top Presidential advisers have been fired or forced to resign over the past six years after allegations of wrong-doing. Asked how this squared with the President’s statement that he wants his legacy to be higher morality, press secretary Marlin Fitzwater said, “Well, you can see we’re rooting them out.”
The designer dictator of Nicaragua continues to blame his self-proclaimed country’s problems on so-called U.S. alleged ha ha imperialism ho ho, instead of on the Cuban military occupation of his little country. President Reagan has again told the nation that we are not intervening in Nicaragua, and that our intervention there is justified. He told a press conference we are not trying to overthrow the government there, though we might have to if the Contras fail to, not that they are trying to. Mr. Reagan appeared rested and fresh, his mind uncluttered by facts.
The President reiterated his call for dialogue between the extreme leftist regime and its moderate opponents, the Freedom Fighters, saying “I don’t see anything legitimate about a government that came to power through the barrel of a gun.” Reminded by a reporter that the U.S. government too came to power by force of arms, and that the Nicaraguans, like us, have since held internationally-recognized elections, the President responded, “It’s sunny, and you’re rich.” Not, as had been reported earlier, “Son of a bitch.”
In other news from behind the Iron Curtain, the Sandinite rulers have curtailed civil liberties, which of course they already didn’t have, knowing them. They claimed that the action came in response to so-called U.S. aggression, but reliable sources indicate that the Cuban puppets are afraid of their own people. After all, the people all have guns. Ortega must regret having handed out all those weapons, now that it is clear that the people will rise against him, in accordance with U.S. law.
NATIONAL INSECURITY: In line with the trend toward concern with international terrorism, it seems opportune to tighten security in the United States. Steps being taken include banning all metal objects from airports, mandatory drug testing of all employees, public and private, finger-printing all children, renewed loyalty oaths, more police officers at Mayors’ offices, Burger Kings and Disney World, and firing from public positions all homosexuals and opponents of Contra aid. “We will not allow the destruction, from the outside, of our free society,” quipped a State Department official.
Press Secretary Marlin Fitzwater has denied that the President’s operation to shorten his nose was due to its unusually rapid growth of late. “There’s not a Lt. Colonel of truth in that,” he said, covering his face and rushing from the press room.
Attorney General Edwin Meese has resigned. President Reagan has nominated former Pennsylvania Governor Dick Thornburgh to replace him. Asked about Meese, Thornburgh called him an outgoing fellow. Thornburgh is regarded as clean and fair, having told a welfare mother who couldn’t find a job, “Things are tough all over.”
(To be recited to a beat borrowed from a creative underclass, in the finest cultural-entreprenurial tradition)
In the beginning, Columbus discovered America There were Indians there They came over from India To throw a party for the fair-skinned Chris I wouldn’t dis ya
Chris worked for Spain, I think it’s plain Spreadin’ free enterprise Which at that time was controlled by Big GovaMint Instead of contrariwise Like today, but as I was sayin’
The colonies were conceived in liberty They liberated a new continent From the Indians who underexploited it And besides, they were behind in the rent
And they went to darkest Africa Which anyway had too many folks They liberated some slaves, brought em west to work For the formerly British blokes
Who were doin’ fine till that homeboy o’mine King George went to tax the tea So the colonies appealed to the French In more ways than one, if you follow me
You see the French were exporting revolution And George, he couldn’t do a thing Cos that was before Monroe, you know No laws against such meddling
The Americans, as they came to be called Had a democratic revolution Although only a third supported the cause Cause of British disinfoconfusion
The rest were repressed but don’t kick up a fuss Cos they were standin’ in the way of democracy That is, us
You see the revolution was an inspiration Set the whole hemisphere on fire But that didn’t constitute exporting revolution Cos it was against an evil empire You know, them.
A lotta land was taken from the Tories And given to the poor to farm But that was then, you can’t do it again Cause landlords are the Free World’s right arm
But when it came to the Indians, Mr. Jefferson said No more land should be taken from them So when he needed Louisiana he was careful To buy it from the French
Well pretty soon the leaders of the revolution Decided to write a constitution All the workers and the women and the slaves were tied up So the rich had to bear the burden of the writeup
This was only fair, since they were the ones Who knew how to write, and also because They knew what to do to be sure the slaves Were protected, or anyway, slavery was
The young nation was bookin’ and lookin’ around Found some land out west with no downtowns I mean empty, nothin’ but some conical tents
That was a waste, it didn’t make no sense Or dollars neither, speaking of which Co-incidentally the nation was getting rich Somehow we got into a war with Mexico I guess some neighbors are just too close
Check it out: It seems some gringos didn’t pay their debts So the Mexican army started making threats The Congress was dissed by President Polk That they declared war on us, what a joke No one was opposed to this war a bit Except some of the people, and that ain’t…significant.
Now there arose a big division Over slavery, which demanded a decision It was clearly immoral, and too much of a test For slave labor to compete with white workers in the Western states which were no longer Mexican soil
So a proclamation brought the battle to a boil When the slaves were freed, they displayed their greed By demanding land to till That was way too rad, it went against the trad But the jobs trickled down, or at least they will
So it came to pass, slaves were free at last By free enterprise they were taken on board Given a share in society, a share in the crops Indebted to America and the landlord
You know, every so often people get depressed As the merry-go-market goes around I say It’s only fair, you’re up in the air And take your turn getting crunched on the ground
Ladies asked for the vote in 1865 We took it to a committee They were polite and respectful and didn’t demonstrate So we gave it to them, in 1920
We were under attack by savage hordes Who killed Custer, which shocked the nation They couldn’t get a fair trial, everybody wanted one You had to have a reservation
So we gave them one…They’ve been happy ever since…As far as I know… still waitin’ for that trial, though.
But peace prevailed on the labor front Except for a couple of non-specific strikes I mean the general ones in St. Louis and New Orleans Which were demanding vicious pay hikes
Also the national walkouts from the rails and mines Plus the silver, copper, gold—you get the drift As you can see the workers were generally peaceful So we gave em the 8-hour shift Out of the goodness of our hearts and clubs…billy clubs.
After that, labor was able to relax Cause society was held together by trust By a number of trusts, in fact, there was a pact But the workers muffed it
So a few women and children got snuffed it Was because of the troops…who had just got back From the Philippines, they were wild, Jack Back east in the cities they didn’t put up a fight Cause under all that coal the miners hardly even looked white
Oh speakin’ of the Philippines, yes, we sent advisers To advise the Filipinos to ally with us This was our experiment with imperialism Which we soon abandoned, we gave it to the Russians
No sooner had we finished dishin’ up Spain Than we had to go out and defend ourselves again Well not ourselves exactly, but we had a few investments In the British economy, and you know what that meant
All the people got riled up at the Jerries Well not at first, but the papers made it oh so very Clear, day in, day out Pretty soon there was no doubt Who was the bad guy, and of course the good guy By definition was me—I mean us.
After that war there was no enemy there But luckily we were rescued by a Red Scare Everywhere commies were under the bed Threatening to set a bad example those Reds!
But we showed em, we developed something surprising A way to know what you need to make you happy: Advertising!
But the farmers didn’t know cause they lived out in the sticks There were no billboards there, for those dumb hicks They didn’t know they were happy, they had some minor grumbles About falling farm prices Hey, that’s the way the market crumbles
But soon it didn’t matter if prices held the line Cause the whole country got depressed in ’29
The lack of jobs was frustrating to the workers and their kids Roosevelt gave em a new deal, so they wouldn’t blow the lid This provided full employment in 1940 When, co-incidentally, a war came on the scene This made everybody happy, in fact, some people say It was the war brought full employment—some people are so mean
After we won, we sent the Marshalls to rebuild our enemies To help us fight the Soviets, who were…displeased Cos we didn’t rebuild them, well how could we? They were Red They hid behind their satellites and said here you shall not tread
This was clearly an offense so we responded by surrounding them With missiles that we aimed at containing if not pounding them We had to scare the Communists especially in Hollywood Oh what a lovely war, it was cold, but it was jolly good!
As a world power it was our hour To take on a greater role We had to save South Korea cause we might need it later And besides, they got Seoul!
The South Koreans were grateful to us We had of course no selfish ends To return the favor they gave us their labor At a special rate reserved for friends
In the 50’s America’s mood was high Not drugs but prosperity made us smile People could afford to buy this year’s products To replace last year’s, which were out of style
One of the products was called White Flight, To the suburbs civilization spread This led to neglect, benign or otherwise Of the cities, so we gave em a new head
Start, but they wanted civil rights So we gave them that in ‘64 Still for some reason they rioted So we read ‘em the riot act and gave em what for
Today all Americans have equality Except where they remain oppressed By traditions and self-appointed leaders And affirmative action, which must be repossessed
But the women grew bold and demanded more gold 41 cents more to the male dollar Business was at first inclined to slake their thirst But not to pay for day care and karate Let ‘em wait till they’re taller!
In the 60’s we had to rescue Vietnam This was opposed by those who didn’t understand We didn’t lose the war, but then again we didn’t win it They said Uncle to Ho instead of to Sam!
I suppose you may have noticed the Cold War is over Once again we reign supreme We’ll make the world democratic and middle class They’ll all believe in the American dream
Of course some must remain first class on the train With the rest in the back of the bus Rest assured, we’ll keep track of anyone who’d attack Western values, that is, profits, that is, us.
All that you have in this nation was given to you freely You never had to fight for it as such And if there’s anything you ever need, just ask But do yourself a favor, don’t ask for too much!
This has been the story of your Uncle Sam Wham, bam, thank you sir or ma’am!
9/87 64% of the American people, reached by phone, say Oliver North should be pardoned. Asked why they think this, 20% said because he stopped the Communists who are running drugs and killing babies two days drive from Harlingen, Texas, while 60% took the Fifth.
The poll also reveals that the American public is tired of government scandal and if more malfeasances were revealed they would not be interested. Scandals are out, said a 19-year-old sophomore at Ohio State who refused to be identified. He added that patriotism is back in, saying he knew it was because “I read it in a poll.”
SEX: Congress has been told that guards in nuclear weapons plants are having sex on the job. Clearly, said the report, this country cannot have sex with nuclear weapons.
10/87 CRASH…In the wake of the $500 billion stock market correction, the New York Stock Exchange will be moved to Las Vegas, according to officials. The Stock Slip of ’87 will not have the same effect as the crash of ’29, however, because the windows of the Stock Exchange are now nailed shut.
11/87 Defense Secretary Caspar Weinberger has been replaced by National Security adviser Frank Carlucci, who has a long history of public service, as well as having worked for the CIA.
12/87 Some of the statements made by the hostages during their captivity, expressing sympathy for their captors, now turn out to have been misinterpreted. For example, Captain Testrake had said, “We’ve found out things about our fellow man on the other side of the world we didn’t know. We found that they’re human beings.” Since then, the so-called fellow men have of course turned out to be animals. Captain Testrake had also said “They have the same dreams for their country as we all have.” This can now be understood to mean that we both want to use the resources of their country to prosper.
In perhaps the most captivating comment of all, hostage Robert Trautmann said of his captivators, “As far as their attitude toward Americans, I think they like the people. I think it’s the government they object to.” And Jeffrey Ingalls added, “In the United States you only see what you see from the media there. You kind of see the other side of the story, being over here.” Obviously, if the people over there don’t like our government and they don’t like our media, they can’t possibly like our people, since government plus media equals people.
NASA says that its third launch failure in a row could be traceable to improperly manufactured or installed components, like the previous two failures, but denied this constitutes an indictment of capitalism. “Under socialism,” said a spokesman, “we’d never have gotten off the ground.”
A wrap-up of who knew what and when they first did not recall it.
Given the possibility of some lingering confusion over the double-dealing, Arms for Ayatollahs Cash for Contras sting caper crisis affair, here’s a wrap-up of who knew what and when they first did not recall it.
Senator Inouye said that President Reagan had been a bit more knowledgeable than he had professed to publicly. The White House admitted to preparing a series of inaccurate chronologies. Elliot Abrams said he had given Congress testimony that was honest and wrong. Robert McFarlane acknowledged, but stopped short of admitting, that he had misrepresented the White House role, but said that withholding certain information and using tortured language wasn’t as bad as William Casey’s tactic of playing fast and loose with the facts, while mumbling.
Colonel North maintained that he had misled the Congress in good faith, and that he himself had been “provided with input that was radically different from the truth.” In the end, congressional questioners expressed relief that no one had lied.
The CIA’s Chief of Central American affairs, Allan Fiers, said he knew about arms drops to the Contras that took place while they were prohibited by law. He found out about them, he told the panel, while he was directing them.
Attorney General Meese said he had not talked to Casey or Reagan about their roles because “I didn’t want to ask questions until I knew what had happened.”
President Reagan was said to have been pleased with what General Secord had been doing, without being formally aware of what it was.
Thereare a lot of people who knew more than we know they knew, and before we knew they knew it.
At this hour it appears that the diversion of funds to the Contras was known only to National Hero Lt. Col. Oliver North and Admiral Poindexter. Bud McFarlane, Don Regan, the Defense Department and the CIA may have had an inkling of what was going on, but they were too polite to ask about it. However, it appears that there are a lot of people who knew more than we know they knew, and before we knew they knew it.
President Reagan said initially that to limit perceptions that we traded arms for hostages, he would stop doing it. Asked why arms were shipped every time hostages were freed, he replied, “I can’t get into that question with regard to answering it.” As to the diversion of funds to the Nicaraguan Founding Freedom Fighter Fathers (4F’s), the President said “There has been no use of contradeception on my part, and I will carry my Presidency to term.” He also denied bombing clinics in Nicaragua on behalf of the Right to Lie Movement.
Mr. Reagan also maintained that we have not sold arms to terrorists. We sold them, rather, to individuals, some of them within the Iranian government, all of them moderates, or at least willing to become moderates. Further, he explained, the terrorist nations are Libya and Syria, this week. Iran was a terrorist nation when it bombed our Marines in Lebanon, but we didn’t know that till last week, so it can’t be held against them. Mr. Reagan has asked the courts to appoint an independent counsel, and he will also move to repeal Murphy’s law.
The President, who, to his credit, did not as of this writing know what was going on, made it clear that this is not another Watergate, just as Nicaragua is not another Vietnam. The difference is, he explained, “People likeme.” He earlier had explained that the amount of defensive weapons shipped to Iran could fit in one plane—if it made several trips. Asked whether the planes that actually carried the arms could themselves have been fit into one C-130 cargo plane, the President responded, “I told you the truth once.”
As for the Contra money, the U.S. never had it, Israel never touched it, and the Contras say they never received it. There is a possibility that Oliver North kept it, presumably for anticipated legal expenses. That would not include $2 million per month given by the Saudis to a humanitarian fund, earmarked for arms.
It now appears that in December 1984 Mr. North arranged for the Nicaraguan Democratic Resistance to work with a retired British commando who performed sabotage work for them in Managua, in order to combat terrorism.
Col. North has clarified that the Boland amendment, which prohibited the government from sending band-aids to Freedom Fighters, did not apply to the National Security Council, but only to agencies dealing with intelligence. The amendment also did not apply to private efforts, and General Secord was a private general. He did the bidding of the president, but in a private way; that is, he didn’t tell anybody, including the President.
Congressional hearings on the Affair were marred today by brief demonstrations by spectators who held signs saying “Contras kill families.” Investigators were unable to determine what the slogan referred to or why they had brought the banner to a hearing of the Congressional Committee on Freedom Fighter Funding. In apparent reference to the working group including Marine Lt. Col. North, Admiral Poindexter, former Marine McFarlane, and retired General Secord, a man jumped up in the hearing room and shouted “It’s a military coup!” He was democratically removed from the room, and shot.
In a related development, non-fall guy Nico Minardos and his cohorts in the New York Iran arms sting case were working for Vice President Bush, unbeknownst to Bush, or to the Customs Department, who arrested them, as is their custom. The prosecutors have called the defendants Brokers of Death, clarifying at last what exactly it is that the Vice President does in our system of government.
One key figure appears in both the sting case and the Real Deal: Cyrus Hashemi, an Iranian who arranged both sets of shipments and then mysteriously died in London last July. His death seriously weakens the case against the administration, along with these other possible conflicts of interest:
The suggestion that Hashemi’s death was mysterious came from his brother, not exactly a disinterested party.
The lawyer for the New York defendants, who is calling for “full disclosure” of the “facts,” is William Kunstler, who has a long record of anti-government prejudices, as well as long hair.
The original arms-for-hostages trade appears to have been hatched at a birthday party in Spain for multi-billionaire Saudi arms dealer Adnan Khashoggi. The party was attended by actress Brooke Shields, fueling speculation that the whole story may have been concocted for publicity.
Meanwhile the speaker of the Iranian parliament is claiming that Iran created the disarray in the United States by breaking the arms caper story in a Lebanese newspaper. Edwin Meese retorted, “That is outrageous. We can create our own crises.”
With one shoe after the other dropping, there will be a lot of bare feet to tread on. Two of these belong to Jeb Bush, son of the Vice President. The younger Bush heads the Republican Party organization in Dade County, Florida, and has admitted sending aid to the Contras. This may clear up what the President meant when he called the Hasenfus Contra connection “a private affair.” It may well have been an example of free enterprise on the part of the Bush family. But with the political fallout swirling around him, the President may now feel that a Bud in Iran is worse than two Bushes.
We have to get on top of it— not to cover it up, but to get to the bottom of it, so we can get out in front of it and get it behind us.
To sum up the direction of the scandal, there’s no getting around it, so we have to get on top of it—not to cover it up, but to get to the bottom of it, so we can get out in front of it and get it behind us. (It is believed that at the bottom of it is the White House basement.) The Congress, currently circling a beltway of bloodlust, is clearly beside itself and cannot be gotten around. Analysts suggest there may be one bright spot in all this for the economy. It will ensure full employment for satirists.
It now appears that some figures in the Iran-Contra affair did not want to know some things, and so it must be established when they first did not want to know them and whether they should have known them, or had a constitutional right not to know them. President Reagan has said that he knew nothing, but Senator Hollings said that perhaps in this instance the President overspoke. There is emerging yet another motive in the case: usually reliable sources indicate that President Reagan may have been planning to sell arms to the Soviets for their planned takeover of the United States, as detailed in the ABC miniseries “Amerika.” Reached at the White House, the President declined to comment, saying “I wouldn’t want to spoil the plot.”
And the President has given an address to the nation. It is still 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.
5/87 AIDS: The President broke months of silence on the AIDS epidemic with a major 3-1/2-minute speech on the problem, vowing to combat the disease with optimism. Mr. Reagan says he will approve an educational campaign against AIDS but only if it is directed at safe sex practices within marriage. He suggested that if those outside of marriage do not get the information and proceed to spread the disease throughout society, that`s their problem.
6/87 South Korean students rioted on 56 campuses this week. “Bring down the fascist dictatorship!” a speaker told a crowd undemocratically, and the students paralyzed traffic totalitarianationistically. They also burned the American flag, showing that they cannot tell the U.S. government from their own. Meanwhile the police cracked down and heads, according to law, and George Shultz weighed in. “We would like to see the dialogue resume,” he commented militantly, adding that the United States should not act as though it had “all the answers to Seoul’s problems.” He indicated that South Korea is not Nicaragua, and could not be, because North Korea is.
7/87 Ben Wattenberg, author of The Population Bomb, now says there will soon be too few people, that is to say, too few white people. Falling birth rates in Western Europe and the U.S. may soon yield a situation in which “the U.S. will no longer be the most important country in the world.” Calling for major investments in baby futures, he said,
“Money is no object. Remember, we’re saving Western Civilization.” He went on to quote Mahatma Gandhi who, asked what he thought about Western Civilization, responded, “That would be nice.”
The House has passed a catastrophic health care bill, but the Senate may improve upon it.
Slaveadoran “death” squads have become active in the Los Angeles area. The INS says Slaveadorans in the sanctuary movement set up the threats, harassment and rapes in order to gain sympathy for their cause.
The controversy continues over the downing of the Iran Air Flight 655 Airbus in the Persian Gulf. President Reagan, who wants to reimburse the families of the passengers for their trouble, told reporters, “The plane was coming at our ship, heading down, that is to say, up. Its transponder was off, I mean, ambiguous, that is, in the sense that, well, there may have been, you see, and I mentioned earlier that, and I’ve said this, two planes. Or in the sense that there could have been. And it, that is, they, was off its path, or mostly off of it. Yes, you could have told it was not an F-14 with a pair of binoculars, but well, F-14’s don’t use binoculars. And yes, our radar is not perfect, but then, you wouldn’t go out to dinner with the Ayatollah and put your binoculars on the table.”
President Reagan has proposed a new plan to secure a piece of Nicaragua. Under the plan, all foreign military forces would be withdrawn from the region. Far-left critics of the plan say the wording should include so-called death squads allegedly trained in Taiwan by the World Anti-Communist League, headed by somewhat retired General John Singlaub, who worked with Lt. Col. North and CIA agent Theodore Shackley in pursuit of alleged drug deals in Laos and Colombia to finance “dirty” wars and “assassinations” against far leftists. Due to the lapse of the Fairness Doctrine, these views will not be heard on the free market airwaves, unfortunately or otherwise.
The Reagan plan promises that the U.S. will stop intervening in Nicaragua, not that we are, provided the Sandinistas stop making negative remarks about our being imperialists. The document also offers a novel proposal: direct negotiations between the U.S. and the Sandinistas, which has never been proposed before, except by the Sandinistas.
The Federal Communications Commissionhas repealed the Fairness Doctrine, saying it inhibits the free speech of those who can afford it. If left in place, said the com-missioners, it would eventually have led to rebuttals to commercials.
Environmental studies show a growing hole in the ozone layer over Antarctica. Indications are that such a development could hurt profits in the long term and endanger human civilization or even the system of free enterprise itself. The World Bank is therefore instituting a crash program of tree planting in deforested areas of the world. It seems that deforestation and demineralization of the Earth have raised the carbon dioxide level of the atmosphere, causing a warming trend in the lower latitudes and a cooling trend closer to the poles, which could move up the date of the next ice age, causing a falloff in wine cooler sales.
Oliver North is being investigated for taking the law into his own hands in arming and funding the Contras against the will of Congress. North has filed suit against special prosecutor Lawrence Walsh, calling him a “vigilante.”
UNTELLIGENCE: Government officials say that the dissemination of incorrect information to both Iran and Iraq by U.S. intelligence was not aimed at prolonging that war but merely at preventing either side from winning. Sources indicate we are neutral in the war, having supported Iraq, Iran, dissident Iranian groups, and anti-dissident Iranian intelligence agencies. Asked how it all fit together, one official said, “You had to have been there.”
The administration has denied it moved against Panamanian strongman Manuel Noriega because he refused to cooperate in a planned invasion of Nicaragua. Said an official, “We have no plans to invade Nicaragua, and the plans are justified.”
In the unfolding story of Contractgate or the Procuremo Affair, Vice President Bush has told reporters the solution to the Pentagon contractors scandal is deregulation. In other drug news, a cocaine ring reaching from the Lawrence Livermore Laboratory in California to the White House has been broken up. Three White House guards and a National Security Council employee have been found to use cocaine recreationally. President Reagan said he would try to convince them to take a cure, and sources said the President was considering retaliation against Colombia.
Eight Nicaraguan agitators have been expelled from the United States in response to the Sandinite expulsion of eight U.S. diplomats from Nicaragua. U.S. Ambassa-dor Richard Melton has protested that just because he consorted with the Nicaraguan Opposition did not mean he had formed a consortium with them, but conceded that his open, vibrant style of association with them might have encouraged the Sandinite action against his embassy, which he said signaled an end to the peace process in Nicaragua, which he said he was very, very, very upset about, as was his previous boss, Elliot Abrams.
Vice President Bush said the Nicaraguan action shocked him, but did not surprise him. President Reagan said that Nicara-gua’s self-styled ambassador Carlos Tunner-man has been involved in espionage, the details of which have not yet been made up.
A consortium of American Indian groupshas sent a letter to President Reagan, saying “Perhaps we made a mistake. Maybe we shouldn’t have humored the European settlers in allowing them stay in that kind of primitive lifestyle.”
The crybabies who used to make steel in Pennsylvania can’t seem to pick themselves up and get computer programming jobs in New York. They don’t seem to understand that Economic Transformation is what made this country whatever it is going to become. The mill towns of the Northeast were abandoned, the Southern cotton plantations were abandoned, Western mining towns were abandoned—should Pennsylvania be an exception? Inner cities are abandoned for the suburbs, and if you hear inner citizens complaining, it’s only because they don’t have enough education to keep them quiet.
Each generation must put itself second to make and keep America First. Some would ask, who or what then is this America? Well, as the saying now goes, if you have to ask, you’ll never understand.
The Supreme Court decision upholding the unimportance of “racial” “prejudice” in death penalty cases has come in for much criticism, especially from Blacks and others who are not objective about the issue.
The statistical evidence suggests that killers of whites are sentenced to death far more frequently than killers of blacks. This occurs because in our system, a man deserves what he goetz. More importantly, scientists have shown that Blacks are more prone to death than Whites—witness the choke hold,* higher infant mortality rates, and so on and on and on.
The decision, written by Justice Powell, states that the defendant must show that the judge or jury in this case acted out of prejudice. It is not enough to show a statistical pattern of discrimination in general. It must be shown that, statistically, this particular Black person will be sentenced to death more often than a White person in a similar case, all other things being equal. Since the court system requires that a single case be the basis for a sweeping decision, it might appear at first glance that overall patterns are considered irrelevant to the courts. Better perhaps not to take that first glance, but rather go directly to the conclusion: the pattern exists, but not in this case.
Furthermore, the Court requires proof that race is an issue in America, and this study is barely out of its second century, hence inconclusive so far. Besides, a decision that there is in fact race prejudice involved in death sentences would open the door to similar discrimination decisions regarding members of a multitude of “Other” groups seeking to redress so-called “statistical” perceived “wrongs” through “class action suits,” and could eventually lead to the redistribution not only of death sentences but of income itself.
Mary Beth Westmoreland, an attorney for the state, argued that Blacks are more often killed in family disputes, while Whites are more often killed in robberies. This means that if Blacks would just stay home and kill each other, instead of Whites, everything would be fine.
The Washington Legal Foundation, a public interest group within the American political spectrum, applauded the decision, saying that “statistics have no place in the courtroom.” The courts cannot take up their time muddling through demographic data for each murder case; America is not a demography.
Deputy Attorney General Michael Wellington had commented before the decision that if the courts approved the logic of the deathophobes, it would indicate a conclusion that “the American people are inevitably incompetent to administer it.” This would mean one of two things: either a race-dominated nation cannot have a death penalty, or a race-dominated nation should not exist. But we must exist, except for some of us. Fortunately the question is moot, since the United States is not a race-dominated nation. We are governed by the free competition of ideas and products—that is, television networks. We are not dominated by race, unless you count Japan.
It might be noted that if one more Justice had sided with the dissent, the decision would have gone the other way. The losing side should take consolation from the existence of two points of view in our society; perhaps someday the pendulum will swing their way. In the meantime, everyone has his day in court, and some even get their own chair.
*Studies conducted by a select group of police sergeants in Los Angeles County.
